They didn’t mean it that way. Or, the often used, “It’s just a joke!” Sure, but does that really lessen the sting of hurtful words or actions?
Not quite.
Abu Dhabi resident Mannah Mrunal, a homemaker, recalls first hearing these words at the age of eight. She had complained to her parents about her math tutor, who had cuttingly told her that she wasn’t worth his time and patience, because she was stuck with a particular concept. Tearing up, she told her parents that she didn’t want to learn from him anymore. Her parents tried to sooth and calm her down, by saying the words, “He just speaks like that. He didn’t mean it that way.”
And, she had to continue learning math from him, despite being fearful of his harsh reprimanding.“My parents would just keep saying, it’s okay, you need to work harder and then he won’t get so angry. You have to put in effort. But I became so terrified of learning from him, that finally my parents had to send him away, because I wasn’t able to grasp any concepts,” she recalls.
Yet, the damage was done. “I began internalising the belief that I was the problem — that I wasn’t smart enough for math. I could not tell my parents, because I thought they would keep justifying him. Everything that he had said, stayed with me, for a long time. I thought that I could never amount to anything. It’s only later, when my parents discovered that I had dyscalculia, they wanted to make amends and felt really guilty. And they never said those words again. I just wish they had recognised it sooner.”
The phrase is always said with good intentions. Unfortunately, it inadvertently dismisses the other person’s emotions, leaving them feeling unheard and invalidated, as psychologists explain. You feel as if your emotions don’t matter much, and there’s also a possibility of second-guessing your own feelings. What if they didn’t really mean it that way, and you are overreacting?
You’re lost in a tangled mess of emotions.
Understanding the phrase
Much like telling an angry person to “calm down”, saying “they didn’t mean it that way” offers little respite to someone already hurting.
Explaining the phrase, Robert Shaw, a Dubai-based psychologist explains, “It’s commonly used when one person tries to mediate a conflict, or diffuse tension between two people. It’s said by the third person, like a teacher, parent, friend or colleague, who is trying to calm someone after a hurtful comment or action.” The person is trying to reassure the other that the harm wasn’t intentional. They wish to soften the emotional blow, suggesting that there was no malicious intent behind the words or frictions. “The person wants to smoothen out the social friction, keep the peace and avoid escalation.”
Yet, by doing so, it undermines the feelings of the person who has been hurt. The focus shifts from the person’s emotional reaction and places emphasis on the intent of the offender. “So, the other feels hurt, dismissed or invalidated. Their emotions don’t carry weight because the harm wasn’t on purpose. While intent is important, it doesn’t negate the fact that the recipient of the comment or action, is still affected,” explains Shaw.
As Shaw adds,“There is an underlying pressure to keep interactions pleasant and to quickly resolve tension, when it arises. Many people lean on indirect communication styles, where they prefer to avoid confrontation. They believe it’s easier to downplay negative emotions to preserve the overall peace. For example, in family settings, parents may use this phrase to protect their children from uncomfortable feelings or to prevent sibling rivalry from escalating. In the workplace, managers might use it to avoid conflict between employees, focusing on productivity rather than addressing emotional grievances.”
This reflects a broader cultural pattern of brushing aside uncomfortable emotions — like hurt, frustration, or anger — in favour of maintaining superficial peace. Worse, it leads to a build-up of unresolved emotional issues. “This kind of language has been internalised, to the point that it is a common reflex when managing a conflict. By resorting to this, you create an environment where people feel less inclined to express their true feelings, leading to emotional suppression or unspoken resentment,” says Shaw.
How it affects children
“They weren’t trying to hurt you” can be emotionally devastating for a child, psychologists explain. It can compel them to stew in confusion and doubt. Their emotions are raw and immediate, and they feel everything rather intensely. So, when you brush aside their concerns, the child feel invalidated, and over time, it fractures their self-esteem, emotional development and the relationships that they pursue in adulthood.
Tooba Siddiqui, a clinical psychologist from Dubai, elaborates, “As parents, we have to remember that our words carry immense weight. So, when we tell them that someone didn’t mean to hurt them, we make them feel as if their emotions aren’t significant, when they are actually valid. If you don’t take responsibility, the child might soon start to hesitate sharing their feelings, because they feel their concerns would be brushed away.”
For instance: Imagine a child feels upset after being teased by a classmate. When a parent or teacher responds with, “They didn’t mean it that way”, it suggests to the child that their reaction — whether it’s sadness, anger, or frustration — is unwarranted or exaggerated. Over time, this type of response can make the child feel confused about their own emotional responses. They start believing that their emotions are not ‘correct’ or ‘valid’, and start questioning whether their feelings are justified. Worse, as Siddiqui explains, they begin to ignore their emotional cues altogether.
Gradually, an emotional disconnection grows. They grapple with the ideas of what they actually feel, and what they should feel. “In the long run, they may struggle with self-awareness and emotional intelligence, doubting whether they are ‘allowed’ to feel hurt, angry, or upset, especially if no harm was intended. It can also contribute to a pattern of second-guessing their own emotions in future relationships, making them more prone to tolerating behaviour that crosses their boundaries because they’ve been conditioned to dismiss their own feelings in favour of others,” she adds. They withhold their emotions and they begin to adopt unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Trust and communication breakdown
These words can have the same effect on adults, too. A friend who makes a hurtful joke at your expense, receives support from others. They didn’t mean it. A manager who laughs at you on particularly vulnerable day, but your colleagues defend them saying that they’re just “joking”.
When you’re constantly told that they didn’t mean it that way, you lose trust in yourself, as well as the people around you. You are flooded with several thoughts: There’s no one to support you.
For instance, Rutuja Gera, a Dubai-based media professional was perplexed by a manager who used to make rather offensive jokes at her expense. If she showed any sign of discomfort, the other colleagues would hastily tell her to not take it so seriously. He doesn’t mean harm. And slowly, she began to be conditioned to believe that such jokes and inappropriate remarks were acceptable, perhaps, she was too rigid in her thinking. “It can really flip your entire thinking process, and you have to really start rewrite yourself psychologically,” she says.
As Shaw explains, you slowly lose yourself in the mental gymnastics and finally, it clouds your entire thinking and perspective. When people feel that their emotions aren’t taken seriously, they may also stop seeking help from those around them. Loneliness and frustration builds, as they internalise their struggles instead of communicating them. Gradually, this suppression has manifestations, such as passive-aggressive behaviour, emotional outburst or even physical symptoms related to stress.
How to address hurt
For children:
With regard to children, Siddiqui suggests, “Rather than dismiss their feelings, you might say, ‘I see that you’re upset, and I understand why.’ This shows children that you’re truly listening and supportive.” Moreover, if we keep insisting they misunderstood us, it can send the message that it’s okay to dodge responsibility or that intentions matter more than how others feel. That’s not the best lesson to teach and can lead them to overlook how their own words affect others.”
If we admit that we misspoke and recognise their feelings, it opens the door for a more honest conversation. When we validate our children’s feelings, we’re really helping them build emotional intelligence. It teaches them that it’s perfectly okay to feel a whole range of emotions and that talking about those feelings is super important.
She continues, “On the other hand, if we admit that we misspoke and recognise their feelings, it opens the door for a more honest conversation. When we validate our children’s feelings, we’re really helping them build emotional intelligence. It teaches them that it’s perfectly okay to feel a whole range of emotions and that talking about those feelings is super important. This not only helps them process what they’re going through but also strengthens the trust they have in us. When they feel secure in expressing their thoughts and emotions, they’re much more likely to come to us when something’s bothering them.
Alternative phrases:
When addressing situations where someone’s feelings have been hurt, it’s important to move away from dismissive phrases like, “They didn’t mean it that way”, and instead adopt more empathetic and constructive responses.
You can try instead:
• I see that upset you. Let’s talk about why that happened.
• It’s possible they didn’t realise how they made you feel. How do you want to address it?
• I can see why you feel that way. Let’s figure out what to do next.
