Stand up and fight back.
You’re being too nice.
Don’t be such a doormat!
Dubai-based Prerna Shukla, a school teacher, admits that she has carried the last phrase through her life. From dealing with bullies in school, to her first marriage, her exasperated mother would always tell her, “You’re not being ‘too nice’, you’re being a doormat. And that’s what people will remember about you.”
The words reverberate in Shukla’s mind often, and yet, she fears any sort of unpleasantness and confrontation with others. And perhaps, this is what led to fissures in many of her relationships and friendships. “My husband just grew irritated and tired that I did not wish to fight anyone, be it difficult official management, or even my family members who would keep interfering in my life. And that was my fault, I just continued being friendly to them and helping them all out when they needed it, which escalated the tensions between my husband and I, till we were just strangers. He saw me as someone who could not stand up for anything, not myself, him, or our marriage. And once someone has that image of you, the trust fractures,” she recalls.
That’s the cruel, steep price of being ‘overly nice’ or ‘sweet’ in a relationship. These words sound so positive, and are yet laced with disdain and contempt. Some may see your kindness as an opportunity to take advantage, while others may start to doubt your trustworthiness. As frustration builds internally, a nagging thought often emerges: Why did I let this happen?
The cost of being too nice
As Nashwa Rahman, a Dubai-based psychologist explains, “When people advise you to be nice in relationships, they often mean well, highlighting the importance of kindness, compassion, empathy, and compromise for peace. No doubt, these are valuable qualities. Yet, we need to find the right balance between being nice and overtly accepting. When you prioritise being agreeable above all else, we start neglecting our needs, stifling our true feelings, and letting others take advantage of our generosity. An unhealthy dynamic begins to build, where boundaries are blurred. Resentment begins to simmer beneath the surface.”
The martyrdom
It’s easy to feel that prioritising other people's needs over your own is noble. Yet, this is a slippery slope. As Rahman points out, you find yourself constantly agreeing to plans, shifting your schedule, or putting others’ career aspirations ahead of your own, all the while keeping their preferences in mind. “Many people embrace the idea of self-sacrifice for various reasons. They think being noble will maintain peace, avoiding conflict, and perhaps make others feel more attached to them. There’s also a deeper psychological aspect — these individuals often feel better about themselves when they set aside their own needs,” she explains.
The cold and stark reality is that they often hope these sacrifices will be recognised, yet all too frequently, that doesn’t happen. Instead, they may end up feeling taken for granted, seen as someone who will accept anything, or worse, as someone without a voice of their own. “Moreover, it can put others on edge, and bring a sense of awkwardness into the relationship too, as they could feel rather overwhelmed and suddenly indebted, resulting in confusion and tension,” she says.
It’s never just one compromise
As Dubai-based psychiatrist Lakshmi Narayan adds, it often doesn’t stop at just one compromise. Once you keep appeasing someone to keep the peace, the demands keep increasing, till finally, you just lose yourself along the way. “It’s a common human pattern. If a person sees that you’ll agree readily to something to avoid a fight, they’ll keep pressing you to change commitments, schedules for them. And soon, you lose control and any sort of agency over your own life,” she says.
It’s a pattern many people fall into — where every small concession made in the name of harmony gradually erodes one's sense of self.
Emotional suppression
The stories of regrettable self-sacrifice begin pouring in. Some have done the same, others have stepped back from those who insisted on putting everyone else’s needs above their own. Abu Dhabi-based homemaker Krishnapriya Das recalls watching helplessly as her friend became increasingly estranged from her daughter, who was studying abroad, to supposedly save her second marriage. “She turned into a stranger to her own daughter because her husband was unhappy with their relationship. She thought that by making this sacrifice, he would appreciate her commitment, even though drove her into depression. But he never noticed, and now she’s lost everything —her daughter has completely cut ties with her,” she says.
Similarly, Shelly Jane, a Dubai-based British-Indian expat, remembers a couple who lived next door to her, where the husband told his wife to give up her job, because it was a little too far from home, and she would return only by evening. “There was no discussion about it; she just quit, because she wanted to keep the peace. But she isn’t happy at all. She loved that job.”
This emotional suppression breeds exhaustion. In fact, a 2012 study titled Suppression sours sacrifice: emotional and relational costs of suppressing emotions in romantic relationships, published in the US-based National Library of Medicine, reflected this: Emotional suppression that often accompanies sacrifice leads to increased negative feelings and lower relationship satisfaction. Over time, this suppression even heightens the desire to end the relationship. Or, if you’re unable to do so, you just exist in a rather hostile and bitter environment.
This emotional suppression often manifests as tolerating behaviour that goes against your own needs, leading to deeper scars over time.
The tolerance trap
Most of us have the tendency to just endure disrespectful and hurtful behaviour in relationships, under the guise of being ‘nice’. Be it offensive jokes, or problematic traits such as turning up late for important functions, we would prefer not to address it. Why engage in unpleasant confrontation, when you can avoid it altogether? Peace, please.
Yet, peace built on shaky foundations isn’t really peace. Rahman adds, “This mindset can lead to significant emotional repercussions and can ultimately undermine both your self-esteem and the health of the relationship itself. When you tolerate unacceptable behaviour, you may convince yourself that you’re being accommodating or mature. You might think, ‘If I just keep quiet, things will get better,’ or ‘I don’t want to stir the pot’. This tolerance often comes at a steep cost.”
Over time, continuously allowing disrespectful behaviour chips away at your sense of self-worth. You start feeling your needs and feelings are secondary, leading to a growing resentment that can silently fester beneath the surface. Instead of resolving issues, this avoidance can create a cycle of emotional distance and misunderstanding. “Moreover, your partner may become accustomed to this dynamic, believing that their behaviour is acceptable because you've never voiced your discomfort. This can lead to an unhealthy relationship pattern, where one person’s needs are prioritised over the other. Eventually, the façade of niceness’ crumbles, and the emotional toll becomes apparent,” she says.
As you tolerate negative behaviour, intimacy and trust may also diminish. The more you suppress your feelings, the less your partner truly understands you. They remain unaware of your true thoughts and emotions, which can lead to feelings of isolation and disconnection. Inauthenticity seeps into your relationship.
Inauthenticity and conformity
Narayan emphasises that avoiding uncomfortable moments by holding back might seem like an easy solution, but it comes at a high emotional price. Pretending to be someone you’re not for the sake of your partner erodes your sense of self and creates a facade in the relationship. While everything may appear content, this false agreement lacks depth and emotional connection.
Over time, this emotional chasm widens, leaving you feeling misunderstood and invisible. The absence of authentic expression stifles intimacy and breeds profound isolation, making it essential to reclaim your voice and assert your true self in your relationships.
So, how do you address it?
If you’ve realised that you have been a little too ‘nice’ in a relationship, here are a few ways to move past the downsides. First, don't be harsh on yourself. Don't blame yourself for 'letting things slide'. Be a little compassionate to yourself and acknowledge: Being too 'good' for your own good isn't a crime.
Identify your limits: Take time to reflect on past situations where you felt taken advantage of or uncomfortable and pinpoint what you would have done differently.
Communicate directly: Once you're clear on your limits, communicate them clearly and respectfully to the people in your life. You don’t need to be confrontational — express your feelings calmly.
Be assertive and not aggressive: Assertiveness is about expressing your needs without being hostile or passive. Start by practising phrases like, ‘I understand where you’re coming from, but I need…” or “I appreciate your input, but I prefer…’
Be consistent: One boundary isn’t enough — be consistent. When you give in once, others may expect it repeatedly. Stick to your boundaries to avoid blurring lines.
Conflict is not the enemy: Avoiding conflict might feel like keeping the peace, but healthy disagreement is a vital part of relationships. Conflicts allow for growth and understanding. Accept that discomfort in relationships is natural and not necessarily harmful.
Practise conflict resolution: Rather than avoiding disagreements, learn how to manage them constructively. Focus on listening to the other person and finding a resolution that respects both sides.
Acknowledge negative feelings: Don’t suppress your emotions. Acknowledge when you’re feeling resentful or overwhelmed, and take action to address these feelings. Ignoring them will only lead to more frustration in
