Imagine starting your day with a mental checklist of all the annoying people you might encounter. That's basically what the Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius did. In his personal diary, Meditations, he writes about how he'd prepare himself for dealing with difficult people: “When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and surly.”
You might have felt those words deep in your bones. But hey, deep breaths. The truth is, with the help of this preemptive negative visualisation, Aurelius found a way to mentally prepare for the challenges of life. That’s the cornerstone of Stoicism, a philosophy that flourished in Ancient Rome and Ancient Greece: Accept what is beyond your control; accept it with equanimity. Even when in adversity, maintain your inner peace and control your emotions.
In other words, stoicism isn't about becoming a robot who never feels anything. It's more like evolving into a person, who can handle whatever life throws their way, even the curveballs. By focusing on what you can control, accepting the inevitable, and building your emotional muscles, you cultivate a more fulfilling outlook.
Stoicism doesn’t mean lack of emotion
Anisha Basu, a Dubai-based academic and researcher in Ancient Greek philosophy, explains the basic idea of Stoicism: “The idea is that the human being is a thoroughly rational being, and that we must eliminate toxic, negative emotions, such as, fear and anger. You have to accept what is in your control. This includes our thoughts, actions, and judgments. As we do so, we can cultivate inner peace and resilience.”
As she emphasises, it does not mean lack of emotion. Stoics acknowledged the inevitability of emotional reactions, even those perceived as 'irrational'. While they may experience strong emotions, Stoics emphasise the importance of not being overwhelmed by them. A Stoic maintains composure and clarity of thought amidst emotional turmoil. “They don’t advocate for emotional suppression. They acknowledged that emotions, even intense ones, are an inevitable part of being human. The message lies in not being mastered by your emotions,” she says.
So, what can you do? As Dubai-based psychologist Amelia Harris explains, you can try to maintain control over your actions. Anger doesn’t mean that you have to lash out and engage in petty verbal jousting. You can acknowledge the emotion, while choosing a calm and rational response. “When that wave of emotion hits, try to examine the source. Question your own beliefs and assumptions, fueling the emotion. Do an emotional fact-check. It can help bring feelings back into alignment with reason.”
The Stoics work on keeping perspective: Instead of getting swept away by the emotional current, they look for a detached view, explains Basu. They acknowledge the emotion as a passing experience, not a core part of their being. This aligns with Marcus Aurelius' famous quote: ‘Things have no hold on the soul. They stand there unmoving, outside it.’ This principle can be applied to emotions too. In essence, Stoicism teaches us to observe our emotions, not obsess over them.
Embrace emotional resilience
However, Dubai-based Aliah Bhatnagar, a psychologist, points out, it’s unrealistic to expect complete detachment in every situation. Instead, the focus should be on:
Identifying triggers: Understanding what sets off your emotional reactions can help you anticipate and manage them more effectively.
Challenging irrational beliefs: Examine the underlying beliefs and assumptions that fuel your emotions. Are they based on evidence or irrational fears?
Returning to reason: Gradually bring yourself back to a rational mindset by focusing on facts and evidence. This doesn't mean suppressing your emotions but rather recognising them without letting them dictate your actions. Focus on adopting emotional resilience.
In this regard, Julia Kews, a British entrepreneur based in Dubai, often worries about her husband's seemingly nonchalant attitude towards office politics. She gets annoyed that her husband doesn’t react and seems unruffled. “He always tells me, if they do that, they do. What’s the point of fussing and crying about it when nothing has happened yet? Why should I ruin my sleep over it?”
As she summarises her emotions: “He’s so stoic at times that I am torn between admiration and irritation. Yet, I know it helps him because he always logically finds ways out of a tricky situation and rarely gets bothered, which calms me down. I don’t think I’ve heard him say a bad word about anything.”
As he says, if it’s not in your control, what can you do?
Identify your circle of influence
Circle of influence might sound like some form of wizardry, but it essentially refers to situations and circumstances that are within your direct control. By understanding and focusing on your circle of influence, you can reduce stress and increase your sense of agency. Why waste your emotions on something that you can’t control? For example, Roman senator Agrippinus’s main concern was lunch after being exiled and having his property confiscated.
Of course, no one’s expecting you to be that stoic. As the psychologists point out, there will be things in your daily life that will upset you, from missing deadlines, to fighting with your partner.
As Bhatnagar and Harris explain, here are a couple of things that you can consider. Your thoughts. You have complete control over your thoughts. You can choose to focus on positive, productive thoughts or dwell on negative, unproductive ones. “When we start ruminating over negative things, it eats into us. If something hasn’t happened, or is yet to happen, we tend to give ourselves sleepless nights, just imagining the absolute worst case scenario,” says Harris. For example, you stay up late worrying about a junior’s presentation the next day. What if she forgets a crucial detail in front of the higher-ups? What if … what if … and now you have a migraine. Her situation is not in your control.
Furthermore, as Harris reminds, your actions are within your control. You can choose how you behave and respond to situations. “How you react to events is largely within your control. You can choose to respond calmly and rationally, or you can allow emotions to dictate your behaviour, which might have different consequences.”
So, what is in your control, is your attitude, effort, decisions, values and beliefs. “By focusing on these elements and recognising that you have the power to influence them, you can take control of your life and reduce stress. Remember, you can't control everything, but you can control how you respond to things,” adds Harris.
Negative visualisation
Instead of dwelling on the repercussions of the worst-case scenarios, look at it as a method of anticipating potential challenges, explains Bhatnagar. Stoics believed that they could better prepare themselves for adversity and reduce the emotional impact when difficulties arise. For example as Margot Vapper, a Dubai-based entrepreneur says, her father is always prepared for the worst, in a situation. His family gets annoyed by it, but they’re also strangely grateful, as he is well-prepared for any sort of trouble. From always carrying a pen and notepad with him, to leaving several hours earlier in advance for flights owing to potential rainstorms, he is ready.
So, here’s what you can do. Bhatnagar explains: First identify the potential challenges. Consider various scenarios that might cause you stress or anxiety. Imagine the worst, and visualise the most negative outcome in vivid detail. Now hold on: Consider your response. “Think about how you would react to the worst-case scenario. Would you be able to maintain your composure and respond rationally? So, prepare for action. Develop a plan for how you would address the challenge, if it does occur,” she explains. And so, you build resilience, and slowly build strength against the fear of the unknown.
Here are a few examples on how you can apply Stoic principles to everyday situations:
Traffic jams: Instead of getting angry at traffic, accept the situation and focus on things within your control, such as listening to music or podcasts.
Workplace challenges: When faced with difficult coworkers or stressful deadlines, remember to focus on your own actions and responses. Don’t get into unnecessary arguments, or vent your frustration on them: Focus on what you can get done, first.
Personal relationships: Practise empathy and understanding when dealing with loved ones. Remember that everyone has their own struggles.
Health issues: If you are facing health challenges, focus on what you can control, such as your diet, exercise, and attitude.
Financial difficulties: During difficult financial times, prioritise your needs and avoid unnecessary spending.
