Welcome to the wonderful world of maladaptive perfectionism, where even a perfectly buttered toast isn't buttered enough.
It’s where the quest for excellence goes rogue, turning your everyday tasks into nightmares. Dubai-based Rubina Khan, a hotelier, echoes this sentiment. For her, even at home, a guest napkin folded the 'wrong' way can send her into a panic. Abu Dhabi-based Soumya Bhattacharya, a public relations professional, admits that he has re-written press releases several odd times, even though it would have been cleared the first time around.
“Maladaptive perfectionism is the belief that something is broken — you. So, you dress up your brokenness with degrees, achievements, accolades, and pieces of paper, none of which can fix what you think you are fixing,” Shweta Misra, a Dubai-based clinical psychologist at Aspris Wellness Center explains. It is a personality trait, or a pattern of behaviour, characterised by relentless striving for extremely high standards. It could be for themselves and others, as she says. “It is associated with poor adjustment, heightened anxiety sensitivity, lower self-esteem, increased self-criticism, depression and decreased satisfaction with life,” she says.
Maladaptive perfectionism is the belief that something is broken — you. So, you dress up your brokenness with degrees, achievements, accolades, and pieces of paper, none of which can fix what you think you are fixing...
Worse, the judgement of a person’s self-worth is based on their ability to strive for, and work towards unrelenting standards for themselves, she adds. This can bring a huge cost to their well-being: The maladaptive perfectionists are never good enough in their own minds.
Healthy perfectionism vs maladaptive
Many wear perfectionism as a badge of honour, as it signifies a commitment to doing things well, explains Bisi Laniyan, a Dubai-based clinical psychologist at Sage Clinic.
“When the pursuit of high-quality work and excellence is successful and fulfilling, it does not raise clinical red flags. In fact, a healthy level of perfectionism is beneficial as it involves setting high, but realistic standards,” she says. These standards are flexible. The goals are also adaptable. “This means that if you don’t achieve exactly what you set out to do, it’s okay. There’s an acceptance that comes with it,” says Laniyan.
However, at the end of the spectrum, lies clinical perfectionism. It’s an alarm going on in your head, reminding you that what you have done and what you do, is never good enough.
Laniyan explains the three main “prongs” to clinical perfectionism:
Your self-esteem is underpinned by your pursuit of and attainment of success. You judge yourself based on your high standards and ability to accomplish what you consider important and significant.
It is marked by an unwavering dedication to exceptionally high standards. These standards are not just challenging; they're demanding and often unreasonable, because it doesn’t consider your circumstances and capabilities. The main characters of this kind of perfectionism are ‘shoulds’ and ‘musts’, and they will drive you to keep doing and pursuing.
Your self-esteem is underpinned by your pursuit of and attainment of success. You judge yourself based on your high standards and ability to accomplish what you consider important and significant.
The belief and drive for perfection compels you to persist, regardless of the personal cost. This constant striving can cause stress and impact your ability to function well, affecting not just your mental and emotional health, but also your relationships and other parts of your life.
Why do we feel this way?
The chocolate cake isn’t chocolatey enough. There’s still a crease in your ironed shirt, even though you spent an hour ironing it. Cue: Frustration and irritation.
Why do we feel like this?
The psychologists assert that there could be a web of reasons for this. “Anxiety, for one,” explains Amy Glover, a Dubai-based clinical psychologist at The Lighthouse Arabia. “Sometimes, an underlying worry or anxiety makes us feel out of control. Perfectionism becomes a method of regaining control in our external worlds, or at least allows us the perception of control.”
Another reason could be a rigid upbringing. As Abu Dhabi-based Meenakshi Menon, a homemaker, recalls, her parents had always impressed on her: Everything needed to be perfect. The chairs had to be placed around the table at angles. There was a specific arrangement for the couches and sofa in the living room; it could never be tampered with. The kitchen pots and crockery always had to be neatly arranged in the pantry. As a result, Menon worries that she has carried the same traits and finds herself berating her children if they do not follow similar rules.
If we experienced a rigid parent, we may also learn to approach tasks in a similar way or believe that is the only way that is “good enough.” The problem is that at times, these rigid beliefs about how we should be in the world do not always help us adapt and be flexible when unexpected changes occur...
As Glover explains, if we ever experienced a rigid parent, we also learned to approach tasks in a similar way or to believe that it is the only way to be “good enough”.
“The problem is that at times, these rigid beliefs about how we should be in the world do not always help us adapt and be flexible when unexpected changes occur,” she says. Sometimes, insecurity and fear of failure can tear us apart, and we strive to be “perfect”, because we are not enough or lovable as we are.
The manifestations of maladaptive perfectionism
The repercussions are innumerable. It strains our relationships, as we become more critical of others if they don’t complete things in the way we would, adds Donald. The perceived mistakes and shortcomings are amplified, says Laniyan. “This hyper-focus on flaws can lead to heightened anxiety and self-doubt, especially when making decisions. Decision-making can feel like a laborious task, fraught with anxiety over making the wrong choice,” she says.
And so, we fall into a treacherous cycle of procrastination or stagnation, owing to the fear of getting it wrong. The efforts or the outcome won’t meet your standards. “You may resort to avoidance as a strategy to dodge the discomfort of potential failure, which only perpetuates the cycle of perfectionism. At times, your quest for perfection might lead you to give up prematurely, overwhelmed by the fear of failure,” she says.
You may catch yourself repeatedly checking your work to avoid mistakes, or hoarding belongings because of "just in case"; you might need that receipt or notebook one day, right?
As a result, clinical perfectionism isn’t about striving for excellence. It’s a pursuit, where people find themselves fixated on trivial details, unable to accept imperfections, as the psychologists summarise.
Breaking free from the perfection trap
How can you get yourself to believe that being good enough is enough?
As Laniyan explains, start by accepting that perfection is a fallacy. “Realising that perfection is a fallacy involves understanding and accepting that mistakes are part of learning. Shifting your focus to acknowledge and celebrate your successes, no matter how small, rather than fixating on perceived failures, can be powerful,” she says. Secondly, challenge perfectionistic thoughts. Perfectionists often interpret information in ways that reinforce feelings of inadequacy and give credence to the need to be and do more. “Evaluate how you assess yourself and your performance. Are these thoughts helpful, or do they perpetuate the narrative you're trying to move away from?"
A promising strategy that mitigates emotional responses, is self-compassion, according to Shweta Misra, a Dubai-based clinical psychologist. “People with higher levels of self-compassion tend to exhibit more positive outcomes, such as increased happiness, optimism, and life satisfaction, as well as improved physiological responses to stress. Conversely, they are also associated with lower levels of depression, anxiety, and stress,” she says.
This is particularly pertinent in addressing perfectionism, where self-compassionate mechanisms, like acknowledging painful experiences, fostering connection instead of isolation, and offering kindness rather than harsh judgment, may serve as protective factors against psychological vulnerabilities. “The feeling that 'I am enough' does not mean that I have nothing to learn, nothing further to achieve, and nowhere to grow to. It means that I accept myself, that I am not on trial in my own eyes, and that I value and respect myself. This is not an act of indulgence but of courage,” adds Misra. You need to reframe the way you perceive mistakes as well: They will always occur, no matter how hard you work. So, you need to see how you can take them in your stride, and let it push you forward in your journey.
Many a times, we can’t work on such deep-rooted worries alone, as psychologists maintain. While friends and support systems are beneficial, it is also advisable to seek out a professional too, who can guide you.
