I recently got a query on how to respond to a quarrel that ensued between two siblings.
The person who raised the question felt like a victim, hurt and torn in the episode, and wondered how to resolve the situation amicably.
Each situation is unique but there are a few core reflections that can be done with the aim to close a troubling chapter without bitterness.
An individual who feels victimised in an altercation may think: “I was right...”, or “the other person doesn’t get me,” or “the last time also, s/he behaved like this.” But this is one side of the story. On the other side of the fence, the other person may be feeling just the same way (or may not, if intentions weren’t pure).
After a troubling energy exchange, a war of words, one impulse could be to spill the whole episode to a friend(s) in order to get it “off the chest”.
Here, at the conscious and subconsciousness level one is exploring if ‘I was right’ and assessing who is on ‘my side.’ This is evident in the choice of person one reaches out to. At a deeper level of subconscious, one is seeking sympathy and wants to ride the vibration of ‘I am justified’ to get a semblance of closure. (This type of closure is an illusion). All in all, this step makes a person feel ‘better’ and imparts relief, however, temporarily.
In the forgiveness course that I teach, my endeavour is to enable an individual to see experiences in a different perspective. This helps in a permanent solution and also prepares one to tackle any unpleasant situation in a coherent and aligned manner without going through the suffering of it all. But this requires self-work (on which I have articulated earlier in my columns).
Here are a few methods to resolve an unpleasant dispute:
a) Initiate a dialogue with the person: This can be done with statements like: “It was not my intention to cause you hurt. I am sorry if I did”. Or “if anything that I said or did, caused you hurt, I apologise. Can we please talk about it, sort it out?”
Let it not matter who was ‘right’, who was ‘wrong’. Go with the intention of a peaceful closure.
b) Or, you can informally ask, “Hey, what’s going on? Want to talk/share? Let’s see if there’s a solution to this.” Now, this statement comes with the understanding that the other person’s intention was also, not to cause you hurt and the real reason, the source of explosion or acerbic reaction was something else. And you didn’t cause it.
c) If the person is not willing to talk, give it a ‘pause’ time, cooling off time. Give the person some space and talk about it when s/he is coherent and the environment is appropriate to raise the topic. This way one develops compassion too.
In the pause time, self-work continues:
a) Sit in a quiet time/meditation and as an observer, play the scenario in your head and then drop the attention to the heart centre, (may be put hands on the heart) and ask: What I could have done differently to have a peaceful conversation? What can I do NOW?
b) In meditative state: Visualise passing on your blessings, love and good will to the other person. Visualise the energy reaching to the other person’s heart. You can mentally direct these thoughts to the person: ‘I love you; I forgive you, and I seek forgiveness’.
c) Thank the experience and with love and ask: dear experience, why did you come? What gift of learning did you bring me this time?
You will receive your answers. You see, there is no victim mode, it is only learning mode that universe presents us with. Next week, I will share the concluding part of this piece.
Disclaimer: Urmila Rao is a chakra balancing meditation coach, Theta Healer and a sound therapist. All the ideas expressed herein are her own and not professional advice or medical prescription. She can be reached at: email@example.com