Cats are famous for their curiosity, but people can surpass even the most inquisitive feline standards.
Varsha Kumar’s mother-in-law was quite happy living alone in Sharjah. Her husband had returned to India, and she wanted to stay for a while and continue her work as a teacher. Of course, many in her building didn’t quite comprehend why she hadn’t returned with him. So, friendly neighbours would visit her flat, sit down with a cup of coffee and then pursue a series of innocent questions: Where is your husband? You didn’t return with him? Why? Will he be alright without you? Surely, you can’t manage living alone here? Questions like these made her feel particularly awkward, as if she had almost left her husband alone in a rather precarious situation, as opposed to him just retiring in comfort.
Kumar was so irritated with these questions that she almost felt like advising her mother-in-law to hammer a wooden board on her door, etched with words: “Yes, I’m living alone. Yes, my husband is fine with it. Now goodbye.”
Unsolicited opinions
Quite often, such questions often mask a desire to share unsolicited opinions rather than genuine curiosity. As Dubai-based psychologist Nashwa Rahman explains, the focus is often on projecting personal viewpoints or elevating their own story. "For example, when someone asks about your marital status," she says, "They're likely eager to share their own thoughts on the matter rather than genuinely seeking to understand your situation.”
As Rahman points out, genuine interest in someone's life doesn't feel invasive. While repetitive questioning can be tiresome, it's generally less grating than when inquiries are merely a prelude to someone else's unwanted advice. In short, ask questions without quickly adding before the person completes their answer, “See, if you know want to know what I think….”
Sigh.
‘People have a penchant for gossip’
Sometimes, there are those who ask seemingly innocent questions, but just to stir trouble later. August Jensen, an Abu Dhabi-based Danish expat and corporate communications professional says she took a while to understand this kind of intrusive questioning. Here, they don’t want to dispense advice as much as they want to probably discuss about it themselves later, she explains. “For instance, some people at my previous job would ask with this rather artificial sadness, ‘How do you manage so much work on your own? Isn’t there anyone to help you?’”
Jensen initially deflected the question by mentioning her team's workload, but later realised her response was misinterpreted to make her seem disloyal.
Now she carefully wades her way through such questions. “I simply say, it’s all good, thank you for asking.” Rahman and Rosanne Lawrence, a British Dubai-based communications coach, point out several warning signs of such predatory curiosity. People have a penchant for gossip, often using it as a conversation starter or filler while disregarding the privacy of others, adds Rahman.
The questions, seem innocent, but are particularly leading ones. You’ll feel somehow attacked. Dubai-based Nidhi Kumar, Specialist Psychiatry, Aster Clinic, Al Muteena Dubai, elaborates more on the differences between a regular question and intrusive one." Harmless questions are generally open-ended, for example, 'How was your day' and 'How are the piano classes going?' "The questions that pry for more are mostly specific and clearly intrusive, for instance, 'Why don't you purchase an expensive car'," she explains. The tone of the question is also judgmental and makes someone feel embarassed. Moreover a red flag, is persistent questioning, even though a clear answer has been given. Look out for the body language and the non-verbal cues, the eye contact and the tone of voice. Consider the situation that they’re asking about, as it might provide clues about their motives.
Context is key. Sometimes, what we perceive as annoying questions, might just be simply a result of awkwardness or just innocent curiosity. Predatory questions, however, are usually more pointed and probing, digging for sensitive and personal information. I would usually pay attention to how often this behaviour takes place. Is it a one-off, or is it happening regularly....
Understanding the difference between annoying and predatory questions can be tricky, as Rahaf Kobeissi, founder of Rays Your Mental Health, Dubai, explains. "That's why context is key. Sometimes, what we perceive as annoying questions, might just be simply a result of awkwardness or just innocent curiosity. Predatory questions, however, are usually more pointed and probing, digging for sensitive and personal information. I would usually pay attention to how often this behaviour takes place. Is it a one-off, or is it happening regularly? The nature of your relationship with the person matters, too. Close friends or family might ask personal questions out of concern, while a casual acquaintance doing the same could raise red flags," she says.
Rebuttals and polite retorts
Such questions can really put you on edge. Initially, you might blank out and feel rather nervous on how to answer a question, especially if the person has created trouble for you before. Lawrence advises: Take a deep breath, and just provide a polite and neutral answer. If you don’t want to answer at all, you can simply say, “I do not wish to answer that; that’s rather personal. Thank you for your concern.” You have the right to remind yourself that your information belongs to you, and it’s completely your decision, who to share it with.
It might feel more overwhelming, if you’re pressed for answers at a public function. “Some of us don’t deal well with being in the spotlight, and there will always be those people who will push us into the center of attention,” adds Lawrence. After a few deep breaths, you can try to understand their motivation. “Why are you so bothered? Why are you asking that?”
Sometimes, it might be reasonable to be sharp. Chetana Udhayan, an Abu Dhabi-based IT professional had to contend with several unnecessary questions about her friendliness with a male colleague. They would start a seemingly benign conversation by mentioning him and then ask, “Oh, the two of you are such good friends…” And then the statement would lead to an exaggerated question, “So, what do you talk about so much for such a long time?” A sly joke would be thrown in, asking if his wife would be alright with their friendship. Udhayan recalls, “I would instantly start explaining and then I had to wonder, why should I be defensive? Don’t I have the right to make a friend at work, without a third-degree interrogation?”
Udhayan once snapped back, putting all the murmurs to rest: “Yes, we’re good friends; I think we can stop asking questions now, thanks.”
Be respectful, but firm with professional boundaries
At work, there might be situations where people push the boundaries to get you do to extra work, explains Lawrence. For example: You're done with your work for the day. Yet, your manager wants you to stay and work more. They could ask several intrusive questions, such as, "What else do you have to do?" and "What is your schedule after you return home?" Hold your ground, warns Lawrence. Don't volounteer extra information.
Hetasha Gopalani, a Dubai-based Sustainability Specialist, emphasises the importance of establishing and communicating boundaries for building trust, safety and respect in relationships, especially in professional settings. Effective communication can bolster boundary implementation at work. For example, Gopalani mentions, “If asked, to work beyond regular hours without true urgency, it’s important to clarify that the task will be addressed promptly the next day while highlighting its actual level of urgency. Emphasising high-priority tasks and past achievements also reinforces commitment.”
She adds, “When asked personal questions, consider whether the information potentially provided could be misused. If so, simply state that you’re not comfortable discussing it, or ask, “I’m curious why you asked me that; could you explain?” If pressed, redirect the conversation by asking how the question relates to the task or project as a reminder of professional boundaries.
However, don't forget to maintain a positive environment through conversations that respect everyone.” Gopalani also mentions, “While personal relationships with colleagues can develop, it’s wise to approach them until intentions are clear so that your personal information that they may know of won’t be misused.” She also explains, “If during a conversation, a colleague addresses you inappropriately with endearing terms, politely respond that you aren’t comfortable with such terms, and that inappropriate behavior must be called out and reported to ensure your safety and the safety of others.”
A quick guide to dealing with nosy questions
Lawrence breaks it down. Here’s what you can do:
If you want to try direct and assertive responses:
Be clear and concise: “I'm not comfortable discussing that.”
Set a boundary: “That's a private matter.” Kobeissi adds, "Handling predatory curiosity with grace involves setting loving boundaries and redirecting the conversation to where you feel most comfotable. Politely, but firmly let the person know that you would rather keep certain topics private or steer the discussion to something more neutral. Use “I” statements to communicate how the questions make you feel, such as “I’m not comfortable talking about that right now.” Staying calm and collected, no matter how challenging it can be, helps keep the situation from escalating and shows you’re in control," she explains.
Change the subject: “Let's talk about something else.”
Use humour (if appropriate): “That's a question for my therapist.”
If you aren’t comfortable with being too blunt, try diplomacy:
Deflect the question: “I appreciate your interest, but I'd rather not talk about it.”
Answer vaguely: “Things are good.”
Ask a question back: “Why do you ask?”
Offer a general statement: “Everyone's situation is different.”
You can nod and pretend to appear mysterious too: “I suppose we’ll just have to see.” Lawrence adds, “You can even joke by saying, ‘Wow, that’s a deep one. Let’s stick to the weather.’”
