We’re all spinning plates; sometimes one of them slips and shatters. And unfortunately everyone handles breakages differently
That’s what relationships feel like. One wrong word at the wrong time can trigger off a series of unpleasant, intense emotions and flashbacks. Some of us lash out, say things that we regret. Others clam up and simmer with the hurt.
Sometimes, we may not even know what triggers the other person. For instance, Dubai-based Shrawasti Sridhar had a fight with her husband over household chores: He was annoyed with her way of folding clothes. “I think he said something like, ‘Now you see why your mother gets angry’,” explains Sridhar, adding that she has a particularly strained and difficult relationship with her mother. “It stung badly, because a lot of unpleasant memories with my mother surged.” A little tearful, she did the rest of the household chores in silence, till her concerned husband finally stepped in, to resolve the issue.
Even the most harmless words can leave a sting. Sometimes, our partners might not even realise they've said something hurtful.
So, how can we handle these situations?
What you need to remember, first…
They meant to hurt me. They knew it would hurt me.
But, did they really?
As Dubai-based Liselle Vorm, a relationship therapist explains, we need to consciously work on altering our responses to upsetting situations. Quite often, our past relationships cast a shadow over the present one. “These lingering triggers often stem from deep-rooted patterns formed in different relationships, family, platonic or romantic. We all have subconscious expectations about how we want to be treated, shaped by past experiences. Our current reactions might be influenced by unresolved emotions and automatic responses that once protected us from feeling overwhelmed. By understanding these triggers better, you can break free from old patterns and explore new, healthier ways of relating,” she says.
So, when you feel triggered, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts. This can prevent impulsive reactions and give you a clearer perspective on the situation.
No one is a mind reader
As Vorm reminds, no one is a mind reader, and neither do they possibly know everything from your past that is influencing your current reaction. Instead of bottling up your feelings or acting out, express them directly to your partner. For all you know, your relationship might just benefit from this conversation.
Abu Dhabi-based David Clarke agrees with this sentiment. He remembers an overwhelming feeling of rejection, when his partner didn’t introduce him to her friends, at first. “My older experiences kept flashing in my mind, where my partners never wanted to acknowledge our relationship publicly, or would walk past me as if I didn’t exist. So, the first time that this happened with her, I thought that the cycle was repeating itself.”
He didn’t know how to tell her that he was hurt initially, afraid that she would consider it an overreaction. So, he withdrew for the evening, which triggered her as well, as silence reminded her of unpleasant experiences. After learning the truth, she apologised, realising why it triggered him, and explained that she wanted to keep their relationship private for a while before going public. He apologised too. Afterwards, he found more constructive ways of letting her know what he felt, rather than just going quiet.
Cognitive reappraisal
People feel triggered, when they don't feel seen or heard. It creates frustration and resentment, eroding the foundation of the relationship. They shut down and pull away. They go into fight-or-flight mode, explains Dubai-based psychologist, Charlotte Spurrway.
Reframe the perspective. “By consciously reframing our thoughts, we can shift our emotional responses. When feeling triggered, pause to identify the underlying thought. Question its accuracy and consider alternative perspectives. For example, instead of assuming someone doesn't care, try understanding they might not have realised the impact of their words. This mental shift can reduce emotional intensity and promote healthier communication,” adds Vorm. Ask yourself, are they really trying to degrade you, or humiliate you? Did they know that this was a trigger?
For instance, instead of thinking, 'They don't care about my feelings,' try rephrasing it as, 'They might be having a tough day and didn't realise how their words would affect me.'
People feel triggered, when they don't feel seen or heard. It creates frustration and resentment, eroding the foundation of the relationship. They shut down and pull away. They go into fight-or-flight mode...
However, don’t do this when the emotions are overwhelming, warns Vorm. At that time, focus on grounding techniques like exercise, or relaxation to manage those particularly painful feelings. Once emotions subside, use cognitive strategies to gain perspective and learn from the experience.
• Some examples of reframing the outlook:
• Instead of thinking: ‘My partner always ignores me.’ Try thinking: ‘My partner might be busy right now. I'll try reaching out later.’
• Instead of thinking: ‘They never do anything I want.’ Try thinking: ‘We have different preferences, but we can find compromises that work for both of us.’
• Instead of thinking: ‘I'm a failure because I made a mistake.’ Try thinking: ‘Everyone makes mistakes. This is an opportunity to learn and grow.’
Break the cycle of ‘shoulds’
Should’ve, could’ve, would’ve, but didn’t, so won’t and can’t … these are a series of negative words that just restrict and create further difficulties in a relationship. As Vorm explains, “When we're caught up in ‘shoulds,’ we tend to focus on blame and judgment, which can create defensiveness and resentment. By breaking this cycle, we can approach conversations with more empathy and understanding, leading to healthier and satisfying interactions.”
Moreover, when we constantly demand that others meet our ‘shoulds’, we can create an unhealthy power dynamic where we feel superior and others may feel controlled or resentful. “By telling someone, you ‘should’ve known’ that this upsets me, you are also imposing rigid standards in your relationship, creating an atmosphere of control, possibly leading to emotional claustrophobia,” she adds.
You need to be open to a certain amount of flexibility, and change, explains Spurway. Give people a chance.
Label your emotions
When emotions overwhelm us, it's like being caught in a traffic jam of frustration, anxiety, and impatience. In these moments, simply acknowledging what we're feeling – 'This is frustration, not the end of the world' – can be a powerful tool for regaining control. This technique, known as affect labeling, helps us manage our emotions without suppressing them. As psychologists explain, put a name to your feelings.
As Vorm explains, naming our emotions can help soothe our minds. By acknowledging how we feel, we gain a better understanding of our reactions. This can lead us to seek healthier coping strategies, like problem-solving and open communication. Putting our feelings into words helps us explain ourselves to others and maintain our composure, ultimately fostering healthier ways of dealing with challenging situations. Research backs up these claims too. According to a 2022 study published in the US-based Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, people who labeled their emotions after viewing negative images experienced less physiological effects, such as rapid heart rates, than those who did not. Another study, published in the psychological US-based journal Emotion, found that participants who labeled their emotions after experiencing a frustrating task reported feeling less negative emotion overall.
When you label your emotions, you are giving yourself a certain amount of space from the emotions themselves, and so, you can react on a more rational ground.
Own your reactions
A 2022 study published in the US-based Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy reveals how our instinct to avoid pain can unintentionally sabotage our relationships. Lead author of the study, Raquel Peel, writes, “While we crave intimacy, the fear of hurt can override our desire for connection.”
After a triggering event, it's crucial to take ownership of your emotional reactions. This doesn't mean admitting fault or compromising your feelings. It's about acknowledging how you handled the situation. For example, saying, 'I realise I got defensive earlier, and I apologise for reacting that way. However, I still feel strongly about what we're discussing' shows accountability without sacrificing your stance.
Don’t expect constant validation
Quite often, people await a certain, or rather an appropriate level of remorse and sorrow from the other, after they’ve been wronged. Till then, they won’t feel fully vindicated or validated. As Elizah Mills, an Abu Dhabi-based stress specialist explains, you need to also know that growth happens internally, too. “Validation is an internal process, not something someone else grants. While it's natural to seek external validation, you need to heal from within. Expecting others to feel remorse or sorrow can hinder personal growth. Instead, focus on understanding your own values and how they were violated. Self-validation involves acknowledging your pain and recognising that you deserve respect,” she says.
And when you accidentally trigger your partner…
For starters, don’t dismiss it. Don’t call them oversensitive, explain psychologists. When a person is already hurting, it salts the wound further by telling them that ‘they need to calm down’ and ‘you’re making a big deal’ out of nothing. Just because you might not be upset by something, you need to also know that others might get upset by the same situation. Be empathetic.
For instance, Adam Varouxakis, a Dubai-based entrepreneur, once unintentionally triggered his wife when he criticised her manuscript. “At that time, I was rather brutal and brash, and I’m not proud of it. I thought that I was honest, and I really didn’t know better,” he recalls. “I told her that she needed to work more on her novel and writing skills. It hurt her really badly, possibly because of even the way I said it. I still feel guilty, when I think about it, because she didn’t feel like writing for a long time. So, now I try to watch how I offer suggestions and help, so that it doesn’t trigger her like that again,” he says.
And so, if you realise you've hurt your partner, acknowledge it with a genuine apology. It can go a long way in repairing emotional damage and rebuilding trust.
Communication techniques:
The psychologists put forward some methods on how to address difficult conversations:
Emotional withdrawal
Example: “When I withdraw during our arguments, it’s because I feel overwhelmed and need time to process. It’s something I developed from my past relationship, but I’m trying to work on being more open with you.”
Why it works: This acknowledges the withdrawal pattern and links it to a past coping mechanism, while expressing the desire to improve communication.
Navigating conflicts over sensitive topics
Example: “When we argued last night, I felt overwhelmed and shut down because fights and arguments just remind me of childhood experiences and my previous relationships; I’m not good at handling it, but I’m trying to work on it.”
Why it works: It ties the emotional response to a past relationship and signals a desire to improve how you both handle conflicts moving forward.
