The world is full of people who talk and, perhaps, that's the reason why a good conversation is a rare thing today. What we need more of are listeners. Friday meets Mark Brown and Bob Urichuk, two of the most respected names in public speaking, to know more about the art of good conversation


He who speaks the longest gets heard the least.' You have heard this before, right? No? Well, not surprising, because I just made it up. But it's true anyway. In a world that's overnoisy, too much talk can make you weary and bored.

Today, wherever you turn, people are talking - on television, in the streets, inside homes, in offices, in cafes, in space, on the air, on the ground, even underground. People talk across valleys, mountains, continents, cities, streets, aisles, balconies and their desks and dining tables. Anywhere from thousands of miles in between to being one foot away from the other, people are talking.

The question is: who is listening?

You can talk your life away but if you have not been able to get people to listen to you, you have been wasting your breath. Conversely, unless you have been listening well, you won't know what the other person has been really saying. You too, have been wasting a lot of his breath.

Horse and carriage; talking and listening. One without the other gets pretty much nowhere.

Look around you and pay attention to the kinds of conversation people are having with each other - mothers with their children, one child with another, a friend with his friend, colleagues with bosses, colleagues with other colleagues, a husband with his wife...

You will find a lot of these: pinched/bored/trapped expressions, sparse emotions, a tumble of words and many a time, complete self-absorption. Some conversations make you wonder why people don't simply shut themselves up in a room and talk to themselves if the 'ums' and 'ers' and nodding of the head and wandering of the eyes of the listener are any indication of where this talk is headed.

A good conversation is like serotonin, a boring one is like a tranquilliser.

So, what are the ground rules for feeling good and not nodding off? In a world that demands that you talk to be heard, how do you say what you have to say successfully? Conversely, how do you listen, because a lot of what you say depends on how well you have been listening in the first place...?

Friday met Bob Urichuk and Mark Brown, toastmasters from Canada and the U.S. respectively, both famously famous for their impressive oratorical skills, to help us along. The two were recently in Dubai as keynote speakers at the annual conference of the Toastmasters in the Gulf. Here's what they said. Listen...

Why conversation at all?

Both, Brown and Urichuk, feel that conversation makes the world tick. Be it a sales talk with a client or a pep talk with your kids, talking and listening makes all the difference. When people talk, they breathe easy and come up with solutions to their own problems because talking to someone who listens is therapeutic and opens a window in their minds.

"Good conversation is like prayer. A prayer is after all, a kind of dialogue between you and God. It is the simplest form of two-way communication where you enact both the parts - of listening and talking," says Mark.

Bob points out the efficacy of this kind of conversation: "Self-talk is a very effective form of conversation. When you are seeking answers to some of your questions, talk to yourself about it before bed. In the middle of the night, you will be awakened with the answers."

The warm-up

The basic requirement of starting a good conversation is self-confidence. "Before you even think of opening your mouth, what you need is loads of self-confidence. You are never going to start a good conversation otherwise. Start off with self-trust and self-respect, take a genuine interest in meeting other people, wanting to learn more about their lives and getting them to speak about themselves because that's how communication will take place," points out Bob.

Mark seconds that: "Asking the right questions is very important to get the other side to talk. Get them to talk, establish a rapport with them and gain their trust."

Body language, choice of words and tonal inflection, make all the difference between a successful communicator and an ineffective one.

"According to the Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP) results, a good conversationalist uses 55 per cent physiology, 55 per cent, 38 per cent Tonology and seven per cent words. If I can't get you to open up, it means I have failed to establish a rapport with you or win your trust," says Bob.

One of the important aspects of body language is mirroring the body language of those you are having a conversation with. Often, that helps putting the other person at ease.

"Gain their trust, establish rapport and ask them open-ended questions," says Mark. There is an art to the manner in which you choose to elicit information from those you are talking with.

"Do not ask them standard questions that elicit standard replies such as: 'So, how do you do?' You are bound to get the standard reply: 'I am fine, thank you,' which does not mean a thing. Ask them things like: 'So, how are you really doing today?' I've had 13-year-old kids suddenly pouring out their life history to me."

To have a good chat, it is important to be able to successfully break the ice. People must believe that you do have a genuine interest in them and are not just there to make small talk.

Being a good listener is an important aspect of effective communication too because, only when you listen can you link in to what's being talked about, says Bob.

"People are not generally truthful in their first answer. You have to show genuine interest that will draw them out. Question the answers that you get and that will lead on to more and more answers and... to communication."

However, the most significant part of effective communication is keeping a low-profile and eliminating the 'I' factor. Let the talk meander to aspects that are relevant to others and do not hijack the flow. When you ask a question, it should not be about yourself.

It should be about the person you are talking to. That will prompt you to focus on him/her and ask more, and prompt the other to answer more. You've got to control the flow of conversation.

"If someone walks up to you and says: 'Hey, what do you do for a living?' I wouldn't answer it very elaborately," says Mark.

"I would probably give a quick monosyllabic reply and reverse that answer into a counter-question - 'Hey, I'm into sales, but isn't your job one of the most interesting ones?' Good conversation is about building great relationships. Conversing doesn't mean just talking but listening and responding," he says.

An element of drama is an effective communication tool, especially when drawing attention seems the best way to get people to talk. "Sometimes, in a situation where you are trying to break ice, say something with shock value, be funny, do anything that will bring an instant smile to the face of the person facing you," says Mark.

"Like in an elevator, peop