Keeping secrets make you feel “alive”, according to recent research done at US-based Columbia University. These little secrets are like a glow that you carry around inside you, especially if you are to share it with someone later, according to the study.
Earlier research on secrecy suggested that keeping secrets is bad for well-being, according to the lead author Michael Slepian, a psychologist and lead author of the paper "Positive Secrets and Personal Control" at Columbia University, published by American Psychological Association. However, that had only examined the negative implications of keeping secrets, rather than the positive ones. What about the good secrets?
What the study says
What are some of the most joyful secrets that can be good news in life? A proposal? A surprise gift? Going on a blissful holiday? Topping your university?
It’s fun to keep these positive secrets for a while, explains the study. The researcher conducted five experiments with over 2,500 participants. In the main experiment, participants identified types of good news that they were experiencing from a list, including money, or buying a gift for themselves. They had to also rate how energised and excited the good news made them feel, as well as whether they planned to share it with someone else. Each participant experienced around 14 to 15 pieces of good, generally quite small news. Out of those, they kept around three, as secrets.
The people found that keeping pieces of good news private, boosted their energy levels. Moreover, the idea that they would eventually have to let the cat out of the bag, made them feel more positive about keeping the secret. The study concluded that by keeping a secret around good news, helps to prolong the joy of revealing it. On the other hand, participants felt rather stressed about keeping secrets with negative implications, citing external pressures.
“People will often keep positive secrets for their own enjoyment, or to make a surprise more exciting,” Slepian had said. “When we feel that our actions arise from our own desires rather than external pressures, we also feel ready to take on whatever lies ahead."
However, many people don’t consider sharing good news in such a manner.
According to the pre-study survey of 500 people, 76 per cent share good news with someone immediately after they discover it.
Why do people feel the need to keep sharing good news instantly?
“It’s a case of instant gratification, and also a way to seek validation in some form,” explains Dubai-based British psychologist Anna-Maria Hilton. “People are in such a rush to keep sharing when something good happens with them; they don’t want to just savour that feeling. They want to hear that ‘oh wow’ and ‘this is wonderful’, and other such effusive praises and wishes,” she says. “People rely so much on this external validation to boost their own-self-esteem.”
As a result, this constant need to share positive news immediately, develops into the problematic habit of oversharing, especially on social media. Sometimes, people share online, before even sharing with others close to themselves. You would probably have seen a newsfeed filled with people sharing their achievements and accomplishments.
“People collect thrilling experiences, every minute of their holidays, meals, and parties and meeting celebrities,” says Hilton. “Yet rather than really enjoying the moment, they rather share it on social media. It’s usually due to a rather battered self-esteem. You can see what they’re trying to say with these kinds of posts: ‘I have the best life’, even though they feel nothing like it. And then they get that validation, admiration, and reassurance, which reinforces their misconceptions about themselves. And so, they begin to live solely for validation,” she says.
The need to overshare online
Thirty-three-year-old Theo Hurst, an American national based in Dubai, shared over 100 Instagram stories from her vacation to Switzerland. She knows they were over 100, because Instagram regretfully informed her that she couldn’t post anymore.
She had shared every good thing that happened to her, from coffees in the small town of Fribourg, to photos of lakes, cows, and endless greenery. “I admit, I am an oversharer. I like sharing everything that’s happening to me on Instagram. Nothing is really secret in my life,” she chuckles.
What does sharing consistently on social media make her feel? “I feel good. I think I feel good when there’s so much engagement on my posts. I love the feeling of likes and follows. My family keeps telling me to keep at least something for myself. They don’t like me sharing all the good things in one go, but I don’t like keeping things to myself,” she adds.
This constant validation seeking through oversharing, leads to a cycle of dependency on external affirmation. It is rooted in fulfilling psychological needs, which often acts as a coping mechanism to address them....
Bashfully, Hurst admits that oversharing her good news might be a little too much for others, sometimes.
This kind of oversharing, is often linked to anxiety, attention-seeking, and an unhealthy addiction to social media, explains Dubai-based psychologist Sarah Halawani Montes. “This constant validation seeking through oversharing, leads to a cycle of dependency on external affirmation,” she adds. Referring to oversharing as a complex phenomenon, Montes says that it is rooted in fulfilling psychological needs, which often acts as a coping mechanism to address them.
Why you should cherish your positive secrets
This immediate sharing of good news can have consequences. When we share our joys with others, we get some form of feedback back, adds Hilton.
“Sometimes, they might not approve. They might think you have made some wrong decision and that will dilute your happiness,” she says. And so, it’s best to take some time before sharing it with others. In some cases, enjoy the change, grow used to it and feel confident, so that people’s negative views don’t hurt you, says Hilton. For instance, if you have decided to quit a toxic job, feel confident and happy about your decision first, before sharing with others. You know why it’s good news for you, says Hilton. “Going on a trip? Enjoy it, don’t have to share with others. Spent some moments with your partner? Treasure it. The world doesn’t need to know immediately,” she says.
In some cases, our desire to constantly share changes and developments in our lives ruins our ability to carry them out. When we tell others our goals and motivations like going to the gym or eating healthily, we are less motivated to work towards it, adds Hilton. “In our minds, we’ve done half the job by talking about it. Instead, hold off on talking about it on social media and flooding your feed with achievements. Feel confident about your own achievement, without relying on others for validation,” adds Hilton.
So, before you share your secrets with someone, ask which personal need it fulfills, says Montes. If you’re in the habit of oversharing, consider how it might impact the mental health of those listening. “Reflect on the personal boundaries you would like to create and consciously decide who is granted access to your inner world,” she says.
Savour, enjoy your good news first. Others can wait.
