Jane Austen had once written the profound words in her novel, Northanger Abbey, “There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.”
That does sound sweet. Yet, what Austen didn’t quite detail is what happens when we tend to overreach ourselves for friends, because we have no notion of loving people by halves. It’s a painful truth universally acknowledged that most of us tend to lose ourselves trying to ‘be there’ for our friends going through trials and tribulations.
‘I had no time for anything else’
Thirty-three year old Carol James, an American expat and a former corporate employee based in Dubai tries to explain what happened when she tried “to be there” for a friend. This friend had gone through multiple personal and professional crisis in her life. For eight years, James had stayed firmly by her side.
Yet, somewhere James feels she lost sight of herself as well as the friendship. “Every day and night, I was listening and talking to her about the same things. She would rage for hours on end. I was constantly reassuring her all the time, through text messages at work, lunches and phone calls. When I was with others, I was messaging her too, because she was always so distraught. She would message, ‘Where are you?’ And I would instantly reply, afraid that I not being there would hurt her. I had no time for anything else,” explains James.
As explained by Letizia Cardelli, clinical psychologist at the German Neuroscience Center, the line between emotional support and emotional dependency often becomes blurred. She explains that dependency in a friendship can manifest as a constant need for validation. “The other person is unable to cope alone, to the point that we feel emotionally manipulated by an overtly dependent friend,” she says. Yet, we don’t outwardly react, because of multiple reasons, sometimes one of them being the “guilt” of abandoning a friend in need.
The lines between emotional support and emotional dependency often becomes blurred. The other person is unable to cope alone, to the point that we feel emotionally manipulated by an overtly dependent friend.
The friends with a victim mindset
Quite often, these kind of friends who constantly vent, complain or even have a need for drama, possess a victim mindset, explains Natalie Abushakra, an integrative health coach and and founder of Sacral Grounds Wellness studio. They think nothing is ever going right with them, and keep venting to their friend about their lives, without attempting to rescue themselves from the circumstances, she explains. They begin to take the other person for granted, unintentionally so.
It’s the common signs of an emotionally draining friendship, when the person makes conversations all about themselves and their problems, without any regard for yours. You constantly sacrifice your needs for theirs, and you worry more about their well-being than your own, and neither are you able to be authentic with them.
“It’s hard to pull away from a friend, because you think ‘oh no they’re going through so much’, but you need to be in a healthy mental state too, to be able to tackle their problems,” says Abushakra. With such kind of friends, you experience fatigue, exhaustion and neither do you want to spend time with them, but still do. And yet, you’re still trying to listen to their problems, and struggling to keep up with your own. It’s a recipe for disaster, as you’re heading for emotional burnout.
Misery attracts misery: Enabling behaviour
Moreover, if you’re the person that people keep coming to with their draining problems, you also need to pause and reflect on why this is so. “You might be unintentionally enabling this complaining, endless whining behaviour otherwise, because you think you’re being there for the person, but in fact, somewhere you’re being there to feel good about yourself and seeking some form of validation,” explains Abushakra. Somewhere you feel good that people are approaching you with their troubles, and it bolsters your self-esteem.
“If someone keeps complaining to you, and you keep listening, even though you’re going through difficult times yourself. It’s a vicious cycle, and misery just attracts misery,” explains Abushakra. “Someone who is self-aware and has a stronger self-esteem will not allow this kind of constant venting to the point they get drained. People who allow this behaviour, could be harbouring the same negative energy, and you get trapped in this rather toxic nexus of whining and complaining.”
If someone keeps complaining to you, and you keep listening, even though you’re going through difficult times yourself. It’s a vicious cycle, and misery just attracts misery
James feared putting distance between herself and her friend, because she thought that she would hurt her friend more. “I felt guilty for feeling that way, so I continued listening to her, even though I, myself, had no energy.” Finally, James took a route that she isn’t quite proud of. “I distanced myself slowly and learned not to respond to every call and message. It upset her very much and then she cut off all ties with me. I guess that’s for the best. Perhaps, I should have been more honest,” she adds.
‘Don’t be an unofficial therapist’
You’re a friend, not an unofficial therapist.
Dubai-based Harshita Dakoju learned this the hard way. A good listener, she says, “I love talking to friends, when there has been an issue. We love venting, and that’s all great, as everyone needs to talk. It’s a great outlet. I’ve always had a give-and-take in my relationships, and it has always been healthy.”
However, she realised that some of her friends took advantage of that particular personality trait. “I had a couple of friends who were going through tough phases during the pandemic. They would call me every day and I acknowledged that they were going through a challenging time. I did that for months on end, listening to them. I did it actively and wanted to be there for them. After weeks of this, I started dreading the phone calls. I realised my energy was depleting. I was not productive and I was badly affected, and I had to seek therapy. People shouldn’t be pushed to a limit, where they need to go to therapy as they are now the unofficial therapist. That’s really dangerous.”
People shouldn’t be pushed to a limit, where they need to go to therapy as they are now the unofficial therapist. That’s really dangerous
Dakoju was so badly affected that in her words, she needed a therapist to finally get her to center herself and draw the line. “I had to be kind enough to tell my friends to seek therapy, because I’m not a therapist and equipped to handle this. I told her that I would always be there for her, but she needed help and I cannot change her situation.”
She said she subtly and kindly told her this, without being directly confrontational, rude or aggressive and they actually went to get help. “Slowly, just tell them what’s good for them, rather than them just venting to you. There are ways to do it, and you need to do it tactfully. If they are your friends, there’s a reason why they have come to you and you have heard them out for so long. So maintain that trust, but preserve your own health too. You have to wear your own oxygen mask before helping others,” explains Dakoju.
It has been two years since then, and Dakoju is determined to ensure her own mental health is at its peak before being there for others. “Go out for a coffee, as that’s a limited time, and hear them out, but don’t make it a regular thing to keep listening to them,” she explains, adding that give them the positive reinforcement and praise, yet keeping boundaries without being so available for them. “It’s all about the way you communicate to your friends, and letting them know what your bandwidth is,” she advises.
How to cope with such friends
It’s important to address emotional dependency in a sensitive manner, if you want to keep your friendship while fostering healthier boundaries, explains Cardelli, psychologist from the German Neuroscience Center.
Cardelli explains that for starters, open communication and boundary setting are the first steps to let our friend know how we feel and what we can and cannot provide in terms of emotional support. They should know that you are there for them, but you cannot ‘fix’ them or their issues, which means putting your life on hold for them.” If you are going through something yourself, you need to let them know, says Abushakra. “You need to put some distance between yourself and them,” she says.
“Encourage independence, let them know that you believe in their strengths and abilities, while also recommending professional help in case of any underlying issues they may need support with,” says Cardelli. Empower them, and say things like, “I know you can figure this out,” instead of, “I’ll do everything I can to get you through this. Make them think a little and ask them what they think would be better for them, which helps them to realise that they’re stuck in a rut and need to move forward. Also assess your own bandwidth, and how much time and energy you can invest in this friendship.”
Dubai-based Samita Rajpal has had her fair share of experiences, but is now firm on enforcing boundaries. "Friendship needs to be enjoyed in moderation. When it starts becoming deterimental to your well-being, you need to take corrective action for your sake as well as your friend's." Rajpal believes that honest and open communication is key as well. "Establishing boundaries doesn't make you selfish; it's a sign of self-care and respect," she says, adding that it is needed to have a healthy relationship.
Moreover, if your friendship continues to be mentally draining, limit the time that you spend with the person. For instance, don’t answer their phone calls at night, or reply to text messages at odd hours, which helps in establishing boundaries.
More From Friday-Wellbeing
Offer real help, skip ‘let me know’
