Forget following the herd. As Oscar Wilde declared, "…be yourself, everyone else is already taken." This mantra resonates deeply with the lone wolf: An individual who navigates life fiercely independent, like their namesake roaming solo. Yes, the term initially referred to a wolf hunting outside the pack, but its human counterpart paints a more nuanced picture.
On the surface, lone wolves exude an aura of mystery, even defiance. Do they yearn for connection, or is it blissful indifference? What ignites their enigmatic spirit? Their friends, often bewildered, yearn for a "lone wolf manual". But perhaps the guide lies not in understanding them, but appreciating the unique perspective that defines their journey.
In relationship with a lone wolf
Dubai-based Casey Keane, a Canadian expat and communications professional, shudders at the label ‘lone wolf’. Her former partner was one, and in her words, it gave her a headache. He never let anyone into his life, she says. He had friends, but he kept them at a distance. He never asked anyone for help, even during the direst situations in his life that involved grief and death. “So, I never really knew if anything I did or said mattered at all,” she says, admitting that she is still confused.
“Are they affected by your absence? Who knows,” muses her friend, Theo Maine, a British marketing professional based in Abu Dhabi.
Who is a lone wolf?
But let’s hear it from a self-professed lone wolf. Derek Miles, an American Abu Dhabi-based tech specialist and gamer chuckles at the ideas of a lone wolf being strewn around. “We aren’t some soulless, indifferent category of humans, I promise you. We do care for people,” he says. Miles has a group of friends; he enjoys his time with them. Yet, he doesn’t sit and talk about his personal life with them. If he’s in trouble, he sorts it out himself. Later, he shares it as a joke at one of the rare parties he attends.
“I’ve just never seen the need to tell them? When I go through something, I would rather puzzle it out and solve it myself, rather than troubling others. And I know that I can. And yes, I love my alone time. I do spend a lot of time alone gaming,” he admits, confessing that he has spent days alone just at home, enjoying gaming. “I like it that way. I’ve never once felt alone. Yet, it doesn’t mean that I don’t care for my friends or my family. If they need me, I’m there. I think it’s just a matter of healthy boundaries,” he says.
The unique traits regarding the lone wolf are plenty. Tara Wyne, a Dubai-based psychologist sums up the characteristics in a few words: Independence, self-reliance, control over their time, space and company. Or, as Sailaja Menon, a Dubai-based psychologist adds, they know themselves well. They are creative and original thinkers. Quality versus quantity, in terms of their friendship. Even if they have to go against the world, they will, says Menon.
“These traits of a lone wolf may manifest in different areas of life – for instance preferring to do things alone rather than attend social events, at work they may be more likely to make their own decisions and do things autonomously rather than asking for guidance or help from others,” explains Gurveen Ranger, a psychologist based at Sage Clinics, Dubai.
The traits of a lone wolf may manifest in different areas of life – for instance preferring to do things alone rather than attend social events, at work they may be more likely to make their own decisions and do things autonomously rather than asking for guidance or help from others
Their goals are likely to be personally driven, rather than influenced by what others are doing. “For some lone wolves, this independent thought and action can be seen in their personal style and interests – where they may reject conformity and go with their individual interests,” she says. They usually have a stronger confidence in their beliefs and do not usually take someone else’s advice, if they can help it.
They shouldn’t be understood as people-haters, emphasises Maria Keith, a British Dubai-based wellness expert and life coach. Neither should they be classified as aloof, anti-social nor cold. They’re confident and content with their own company, and they value their independence above everything else. “It does not mean that they’re anti-social; they’re just more comfortable in solitude,” she says.
They can stand alone to support their loved ones. They're not lonely; they seek a certain kind of companionship. They search for someone who is exactly like them. A lone wolf doesn't exactly want to live a life of solitude, which is why this companionship is important....
'A special kind of companionship'
Lone wolves might just be like their animal counterpart too: Loyal and committed.
Menon provides a rather interesting and different perspective on the ideas of a lone wolf. While she agrees that they have a small group, she sees them as loyal and committed to their loved ones. "They might do what's morally right. They're not lonely, either. They don't exactly want the life of solitude; they sometimes look for companions like themselves," she says.
Why do people become lone wolves?
When do people begin to cultivate the ‘I-don’t-need’ others mentality?
Or rather, why. There seems to be an array of reasons. “For some, their inherent personality style is to be introverted and this makes one more likely to adopt the lone wolf lifestyle,” says Ranger. On the other hand, some are driven by personal growth, where they see individual goals as more important than social connections.
However, trauma and disturbing life experiences can have a role to play as well. They could have experienced traumatic interpersonal dynamics, which would have fueled the mistrust around others, adds Ranger. “These beliefs become the lens through which we view others and the world, and adopting a lifestyle of solitude and autonomy may create a sense of safety for the person,” she says. Others may have experienced neglect early in life, where they needed to take on responsibility or be self-sufficient, which led to the independent personality.
A form of introversion?
Is that not introversion? Or is that isolation? Or do all these terms overlap?
It can get confusing.
However, Charlotte Stebbing-Mills a Dubai-based stress, relief and well-being specialist. has some advice. Before you start throwing labels around, you need to understand that personality lives on in a continuum. “What most people don’t realise, is that there are different types of introversion and extroversion, of which each is presented differently and some can be more extreme than others,” she explains.
Breaking down the terms further, Stebbing-Mills says that social introversion is when someone prefers quieter, more solitary environments as it recharges them. Introverts do enjoy being social in smaller and far more intimate settings. On the other hand, reserved introversion is when someone is more cautious in their approach when forming social connections. “They like to open up, but they will take their time in sharing personal details and often prefer deep and meaningful conversation,” she says.
Thoughtful introversion is when someone enjoys engaging in introspection and deep thinking. They are more likely to think before they speak and enjoy taking time to process...
“Thoughtful introversion is when someone enjoys engaging in introspection and deep thinking. They are more likely to think before they speak and enjoy taking time to process,” continues Stebbing-Mills. It’s possible to experience only some of these elements as an introvert.
According to Stebbing-Mills, a lone wolf adopts all of these elements, with a strong preference for solitude, which could lead to complete isolation. “It’s easy to spot a lone wolf as these traits can be rather extreme,” she adds. She maintains: Not all introverts are lone wolves. However, lone wolves are typically extreme introverts. Their time alone is more of a preferable choice, driven by the urge to be self-reliant or be mistrusting of social structures – and this often means they have fewer people in their trusted social circle, says Ranger.
The lone wolf seek comfort, strength, energy and solace from these solitary activities, Menon agrees. However, she questions the extent of their success in today's world. "The lone wolf mantra could have been successful in the past. However, in today's world, you do need to mingle and work in teams. You do need to network. They have a tendency to believe that they can achieve everything on their own, but it's not really certain if that can work in the professional world, today," she says.
The blurring of the lines
Abu Dhabi-based Andrea Colletti, a British-Italian expat and freelancer, emphatically tells me that she is not a lone wolf, no matter what anyone says. Then why do people call her one?
“I think it’s just because I don’t like going out, so much? I just have a few friends, and refuse many unnecessary party invitations. I don’t think that makes me a lone wolf, or does it,” she asks. Her friend who doesn’t want to be named has a similar query: She likes her alone time too, but she also enjoys her time with a few friends and family.
Some of the introverts are now in a flux. Have they been a lone wolf all their lives? The lines between the lone wolf and introversion blur because both enjoy solitude, explains Tara Wyne, a Dubai-based psychologist. “Being alone is a choice, a preference. It’s an optimal state. Isolation refers more to enforced loneliness. Where people cannot find or have connection or company even if they choose or need it,” she says.
However Ranger clarifies, “It is important to note that being a lone wolf isn’t necessarily negative, the key is how fulfilled and content one feels,” she says.
