Abu Dhabi-based Arun Shekhar had given up on finding love and marriage. He had tried all possible avenues: Joined a variety of sporting clubs, attended board game nights, even unsuccessfully tried taking out a co-worker for a romantic dinner, that rapidly turned awkward. A series of unfortunate mishaps, from a highly competitive board game opponent to an accidental escapee kitten, convinced Shekhar that pursuing love was simply not on the cards for him.
And then, he fell in love at the grocery store. He heard her humming an obscure tune from an old, animated series. “I just hummed it back, and we smiled at each other, all while buying eggs and bread, with cashiers staring at us curiously,” he says.
And two years later, they were married.
The strategies to find love
Well, that’s Shekhar’s story. Where can other hopefuls find love? Before you try rushing to the grocery store, psychologists warn that what works best for one person, might not work for another.
Nevertheless, researchers and psychologists have tried to put together a systematic study of where and how people found the love of their life, and looked for patterns and commonalities in their responses. The recent study, published in the Scandinavian Journal of Psychology, investigated the strategies people use for meeting prospective romantic partners. The study noted down several strategies people used to find their potential love interests:
• Social media
• Activities: Taking up more activities to meet other people
• Travelling
• Friends: Asking friends to meet others who are single
• Self-improvement
• Going out
• Showing active interest
Nevertheless, here are where they actually found their current love interests: Training seminars, through family trips, holidays, engaging in similar activities, and old friendships blossoming into romance, work, and mutual acquaintances. However, despite the common perception that frequenting popular venues is effective for finding love, most people's romantic relationships begin through their existing social networks.
So, what does work, and how so?
The crux of the study is simple: Meeting new people is key. Dubai-based relationship coach and psychologist and British expat Miriam Thomas echoes this sentiment, emphasising that while there's no guaranteed path to love, expanding your social circle significantly increases your chances. She maintains: Find your people. If you're a bookworm, join a book club. Love hiking? Explore local trails with like-minded adventurers. Immersing yourself in activities that you enjoy increases your chances of encountering someone compatible. From volunteering for a cause you believe in to diving into politics, these platforms can offer opportunities to connect with individuals who share your interests.
"Whether it's a football pitch or a chess tournament, stepping outside your comfort zone is essential," she advises. Thomas cautions, however, that simply meeting new people isn't enough. "It's about growth and learning," she explains. Moreover, after every relationship, you need to take some time to be alone. You need time for reflection and healing. "Heartbreaks and disappointments are part of the journey. By understanding past mistakes, you can position yourself for healthier relationships in the future,” she says.
Essentially, finding love is about balance: Venturing into new social circles while simultaneously reflecting on past experiences to foster personal growth. She advises: Don’t try the ‘I’ll-find-when-I’m-not-looking’ approach. “That’s an excuse to not make an effort. So go out there, and meet people.”
Furthermore, the emotion love itself, is rather volatile, complex and unpredictable. “You have to also be open to the idea that feelings can suddenly develop at any time, or anywhere,” says Thomas. It could be your best friend, whom you had never considered, or a deep, heart-felt conversation with a colleague or vague acquaintance that could just spark the idea, she adds.
Unexpected connections: A sweet surprise
Arielle Shaw, a Canadian Abu Dhabi-based media professional couldn’t really understand why her colleague would always try striking up a conversation whenever they encountered each other in the corridors. “He would nervously ask me for tea, and I would refuse every time,” she says, explaining that she was rather brutal with rejecting men after a rather long relationship that ended on a sour note.
It took a particularly bad day at office, for everything to change. She had made a severe error that could not be rectified easily. He noticed her constantly rushing to the washroom to cry. Afraid of overreaching, he quietly ordered a small box of donuts and left it on her desk, with a small note telling her to cheer up.
“It just made everything so much lighter. I didn’t feel alone and anxious anymore. So, I started talking to him, and we just hit it off. I started wishing that I hadn’t held back so much before,” she says with a laugh.
Today, the two are married.
The opposites attract theory works better in films?
Real life doesn’t always follow the script.
We've all been sold the classic Hollywood dream: The awkward genius and the popular cheerleader, the quiet bookworm and the adventurous free spirit. It’s a tale as old as time, and it's undeniably romantic. However, let's face it, real life isn't a movie. While opposites might initially spark intrigue, sustaining a relationship on stark differences can be a challenge. Unfortunately, many of us find ourselves subconsciously scripting our love lives based on these fictional blueprints.
Niyati Sen, a Dubai-based homemaker embarrassedly reveals a story from her younger days: She was so inspired by a popular Bollywood film where the chatty heroine strikes up a conversation with a rather morose co-passenger in a train that she tried to apply it in real life. “I was attracted to his physical appearances and the fact that he was reading one of my favourite authors, so I kept trying to talk to him about anything and everything,” she recalls. He tried to respond vaguely, but was so intimidated by her that he switched seats with a passenger and pretended to sleep for the rest of the journey. “He actually covered himself with a blanket because he was afraid that I would ask him questions,” she says with a sigh.
So, moral of the story? Stop following the films or believing that just because it worked for someone else it can work for you, advises Anna Wyne, a Dubai-based psychologist. While we may initially be drawn to differences that seem to complement our own, these disparities often magnify over time. What starts as intriguing contrast can evolve into significant disagreements and impasses. “The problem is, that we keep believing that because a certain formula worked in popular romantic films, it might work in reality. So we try finding love with someone who is the just the opposite of us, because we think that would be a different, exciting relationship. It doesn’t work that way. Quite often, people with opposing personalities create a lot of friction down the road,” she says. Essentially: If you see someone who isn’t at all like you, don’t try to force an attraction and a relationship. If it happens, well, it happens, she says.
Be the kind of person you want to be with
As Wyne points out, there's no one-size-fits-all formula for love. While the ‘opposites attract’ notion has its allure, it's equally possible for two people with similar backgrounds and interests to find lasting happiness together. Ultimately, connection, compatibility, and mutual respect are the true foundations of a strong relationship. Thomas emphasises: You might find the ‘right’ person at say, a bookstore, share common interests and start building a life together. However, just finding them isn’t enough. “It’s also not such a clear question of just finding love, it’s about respecting and nourishing a relationship, without a hint of codependency and working on toxic patterns, in themselves and having the courage to address the faults in the other, in a rather healthy manner,” she says.
Thomas explains, that the biggest hurdle to finding love, is often a lack of self-love. In order to attract a healthy relationship, you need to be the kind of person that you’d want to be with. It involves prioritising personal well-being through physical health, emotional balance, and self-confidence. Consider seeking professional help if needed, such as therapy, fitness coaching, or nutritional guidance. Remember, building a strong foundation for yourself is essential for attracting a compatible partner.
