How many things are you going to do?
Embroidery? Yes. Knitting? Why not? Dancing? Sure, so what if I have two left feet and haven’t attempted it in 20 years? I went through a phase recently, where I had made a checklist of everything that I hadn’t done for years, but now just had to do. That's where true happiness would lie, as I thought. Happiness is elusive, so must chase it. Someone had crocheted an entire bag and had shared a social media post, and I was inspired. Someone else had started dancing, and I was fascinated. It’s only till I was sitting in a room filled with different kinds of yarn, differently sized needles, angrily struggling to thread one of them, while watching a tutorial that I wondered, does this checklist even make sense? My answer lay in the several other sites that even included the prices of dancing classes.
Finally, I just humbly decided to narrow the list to a few, realistic goals. Maybe, I really didn’t need such a checklist, and ‘measure’ of happiness, as such. The constant measure of happiness was just stressful.
The ‘Goodhart’s Law’ reflects my stress too. When a measure becomes a target, it ceases to be a good measure. And it fits in well with a new study published in theournal Emotion, which shows that when you make happiness a target and begin consciously measuring your progress, you actually end up less happy. As the research showed, an excessive emphasis on happiness can create the misconception that individuals should strive for a state of perpetual positive emotions.
As Ayah Suhaimi, a Dubai-based clinical psychologist explains, “The pursuit of perfect bliss is just unattainable, and striving for it can create a wider chasm between our expectations and reality, which leads to decreased happiness.” Moreover, constantly monitoring our emotions, also highlights every fleeting imperfection and negative feeling, paradoxically amplifying negative emotions. We fixate on minor flaws in positive moments, which can ruin them. Additionally, the more you track happiness as a quantifiable goal, it encourages people to compare themselves to others more frequently.
The myth of perfect happiness
We’re always trying to pursue rather unrealistic visions of happiness. We crave that life, filled with joy, contentment and fulfillment. Yet, we tend to mar our own chances as we relentlessly pursue it, as our expectations often exceed the realities of life.
Suhaimi explains that the most common misconception of life is that happiness is a permanent state of being. “We often believe that if we simply work hard enough or make the right choices, we can achieve a life free from pain, suffering, and negative emotions. This illusion of constant positivity can set us up for disappointment when life inevitably throws us curveballs,” she says. Our expectations come crashing in the face of difficult experiences, and so many people try to avoid or suppress the uncomfortable emotions surrounding it in the ‘pursuit’ of happiness. This, needless to say, is a recipe for an emotional disaster. “Trying to avoid or suppress negative emotions can lead to a range of psychological problems, including anxiety, depression, and stress,” she says.
Furthermore, when people have unrealistic expectations about this particular emotional state, they become overly focused on achieving a particular outcome, or just avoiding negative experiences. You’re just setting yourself up for disappointment, explains Namrata Deshmukh, a Dubai-based psychologist. “If we’re always striving for perfection, we’re bound to feel disappointed, when things don’t go as planned,” she says.
Explaining from her own experiences, she says that the pressure to maintain a constant state of happiness can be overwhelming and stressful. “I grew up in a rather broken family; my parents were unhappy in their marriage, but were forcefully happy in front of us and others, even though my sister and I could sense the discomfort seeping through. They wanted to portray that we were a happy family to everyone else by going for picnics, hosting birthday parties, and celebrating anniversaries, but that was just far from the truth. They were desperately trying to believe that they were happy together, and didn’t want anyone to know that they weren’t. And I saw the physical and mental toll it took on my mother. That isn’t happiness or bliss, that’s just you trying to believe something that isn’t there.”
And so, the more you keep worrying about happiness or a fixed definition of it, unknowingly albeit, you are building barriers to achieve it. If you keep placing value on happiness, you might be less likely to attain it, both in the short and the long term.
The fear of missing out
‘Xyz is part of a basketball club. I’ll also join. I want to try something new.’
Manisha Singh (name changed on request), an Abu Dhabi-based homemaker was rather perplexed when her 18-year-old daughter insisted on joining a football club. Yet, despite her confusion, she encouraged her daughter to participate. After the initial enthusiasm, Singh’s daughter realised that she really didn’t enjoy the game at all, in fact, she was upset as she unintentionally committed several fouls during matches. “So I asked her, ‘why did you join, if you never liked the game?’” Recalls Singh. Her daughter apparently replied, that she just wanted to ‘keep trying new things’ as she was afraid that somewhere, she was being left behind. According to her, everyone was just doing admirable things, and she was doing nothing, special.
Singh explains that she had to tell her that if sports wasn’t really her cup of tea, it was alright, and it was good that she tried it, at least. Why not pursue something she actually likes, and not compare herself to others?
It isn’t a unique case: Most of us observe others and believe that they’re far ahead of us. Everyone is always enjoying life more than us, by doing something unusual. “This fear of missing out pushes us to seek new experiences and pleasurable activities. While in moderation, this is beneficial, it also leads us to chasing happiness that is just exhausting,” explains Deshmukh.
This is called the ‘hedonic treadmill’.
The hedonic treadmill
It’s the idea that we achieve our goals, experience positive emotions and adapt to new circumstances. As a result, our baseline happiness level returns to its previous state, which indicates that we're constantly striving for new experiences and pleasures to maintain our sense of well-being.
However, this chase is a never-ending cycle, explains Deshmukh. “We may find ourselves constantly searching for the next big thing, the next exciting experience. Finally, we’re just dissatisfied and restless with what we have, resulting in burnout, as constantly striving for new experiences is just exhausting. We lose interest in the simple pleasures in life, and this can put pressure on our relationships, as we’re either neglecting them in favour of these thrills, or forcing them to join us.”
What can ‘make’ or ‘break’ the pursuit of happiness
A 2022 study published in US-based academic journal Current Opinion in Behavioural Sciences suggested that there are two elements of happiness that can ‘make or break’ its pursuit.
For starters, as the lead researcher highlighted in the study, it’s the strategies a person uses to pursue happiness that matter. For instance, prioritising activities that bring positivity to one’s daily life is an evidence-based strategy that increases happiness. If people are able to recruit useful strategies to reach their goal of feeling happy, then the pursuit is much more likely to be successful.
Secondly, what also matters, is the extent to which an individual feels about their emotions while pursuing happiness. Negative emotions can be a catalyst for positive change, but only when they're directed towards specific goals. Feeling bad about our emotions during the pursuit of happiness creates a paradoxical situation, as it directly undermines the goal we're trying to achieve.
The study also highlighted a couple of common fallacies that people run into, that set them up for disappointment. For instance, the pursuit of happiness can be misguided, as people often engage in activities that they believe will bring them joy but ultimately do not. The belief that self-indulgence is the key to happiness is often contradicted by empirical evidence. Moreover, the societal pressure to maintain a perpetually positive emotional state can be counterproductive. Embracing the full spectrum of human emotions is essential for cultivating a fulfilling life, as the research finally concluded.
Essentially, as the study and what psychologists also agree: What can be a useful tool in pursuing happiness, is allowing yourself to experience emotions, both positive or negative.
So, just accept, your emotions?
Ultimately, it might do you well to adopt the old adage, ‘Prepare for the worst, hope for the best, and be unsurprised by everything in between’.
Stop putting such pressure on yourself, says Khan. You might find happiness where you least expect it. Deshmukh emphasises that this doesn’t mean you stop pursuing happiness. It means, moderation is key. Cultivate your own understanding of happiness that is healthy for your lifestyle, mental and physical wellbeing. Don’t prepare an elaborate list of dramatic changes in your life; start with a few, realistic ones.
Moreover, remember, that while pursuing greater happiness, it's important to have realistic expectations. Stress and hurt does occur along the way: Rather than trying to eliminate them, focus on understanding their purpose and accepting them as a natural part of life. It just might help you navigate challenges and disappointments more effectively.
Sigh, I'll just put aside the crocheting for now then.
