1 Get unstuck
"Letting go baffles people. They are eager to let go of things that bring pain and suffering, yet by some perverse irony, the shackles refuse to drop away. Abused spouses don't walk out on their abusers. Addicts reach for more of what is destroying them," says Deepak Chopra, author of Grow Younger, Live Longer (Three Rivers Press). "Negative things stick to us because they are tied to an underlying energy that doesn't want to move away. The crucial times to let go are when you feel the strongest urge not to. We all hold on tightest when our fear, anger, pride and distrust take over, blinding us to new possibilities here and now."
2 Confront grief
One of the most moving quotes she ever heard, says life coach Laura Young, was from someone who said, "You feel the pain? Then let it rock, let it rock." In a culture of individualism, says Young, we don't allow our stories to be told. "We don't allow the dangerous questions to hit sunlight. Not only do we not know how to grieve, we don't know how to process the stuff of our inner lives." In short, she says, we need to learn to communicate and share our necessary suffering.
3 Ditch the guilt
"Every person who loses somebody has some kind of guilt. It's always, ‘If only I'd done this or hadn't done that' — and it's all guilt, guilt, guilt," says best-selling author and counsellor James van Praagh. Alan Gettis, author of The Happiness Solution: Finding Joy and Meaning in an upside down world (Trafford), says: "Forgiveness is an ongoing process. It can take months, even years. But in the meantime, focus on creating a fulfilling life in the present."
4 Like yourself
Says Thomas Moore, author of Care of the Soul (HarperCollins), letting go of a relationship that's mixed up with abuse, neglect and/or abandonment is often difficult because you have low self-esteem and are afraid to step into the unknown. "Often when someone is moving out of your life, it's not them you're having trouble letting go of; it's the dream of who you thought you were and what you hoped to have with them. Try writing about these, then develop a picture in your mind of ‘you on the other side of the relationship'. Work at it until you can begin imagining yourself doing well."
5 Overcome fear
Always remember the acronym, FEAR is the False Ego Appearing Real, says Van Praagh. "Life is a series of choices and each choice is made up of love or fear. For instance, if you choose a job and you think: ‘Well, you know it doesn't pay that much but I really love doing it'. Or, ‘I hate the job but it pays so well'. If you do something out of fear you're not going to be happy. It limits who you are as a spiritual being. It limits your natural ability of doing something."
6 Detox and start a journal
Besides cleansing your body, detoxing also helps to cleanse your mind. The most important step is to form a clear and strong intention, practise your affirmation and envision your life free from the toxic habit. Develop a clear vision of your new reality andstart a forgiveness journal. Write down all the times you have been hurt or inflicted pain, how it felt and what it feels like to be forgiven. Do the same with situations where you have been unable to forgive and forget, and ask yourself what it is that blocks you and what new behaviour you need to adopt in order to not repeat the same mistake.
7 Make a new groove for your feelings
Says Van Praagh, "The reason that people cannot forgive is that their anger has worn a deep groove in the mind, and like water seeking a downward slope, their minds find this groove so easily that new channels of feeling cannot be formed." The key is to learn to make a new groove for your feelings. Have the intention to let new feelings come in, encouraging even the slightest hints of a new feeling, he adds.
8 Don't be a football in someone else's game
A turning point for Shanti Sharath was attending a three-day Art of Living programme, designed by Sri Sri Ravi Shankar to empower privileged individuals to spread humanitarian ideals across the globe. "Besides learning pranic breathing exercises, meditation and basic self-help tips to help protect the mind, I realised that, with the lack of privacy in overcrowded India, I was acting like a football in everyone else's game. My family, my culture, my own limiting world view. I stopped complaining because I realised this only weakened me and am gradually letting go of the need to fit in all the time."
9 Empty your nest
Next to childbirth, empty nest syndrome is one of the biggest transitions of motherhood. Office manager, Mindy Holgate, 45, says she cried for two weeks when her daughter left for university. "We had a friendship as well as a mother-daughter relationship. When that was taken away I felt so lonely." Looking back after a year, however, she acknowledges, "That was all about me, not her. Having that bond and then letting go was my own issue." Says journalist and researcher Linda Lowen, "A responsible mother who wants what's best for her college freshman has to behave like a parent - not a friend. She needs to refrain from calling or sending text messages daily, or even weekly." The benefit? "A life that blooms independently on its own."
10 Counter the craving
One of the main reason for addictions is that we have lost our connection to our soul. The use of food, alcohol or drugs is essentially a material response to a need that is not really physical at its foundation.Says ex-addict Susan Moll, "Only when I landed up in jail did the seriousness of the matter become evident. I realise how empty I was and how much drugs replaced my craving for spiritual fulfilment. These days I meditate to get in touch with my soul essence, which means my behaviour is a reflection of who I am."
