How do you know who will be a sturdy branch, weathering every storm, and who will be a fleeting leaf, disappearing at the first sign of trouble? Social media is rife with ‘tree analogies’ that categorise relationships into neat little boxes, but what if these labels do more harm than good?
To break it down: The 'leaves' symbolise relationships whose presence might fluctuate depending on the situation. The ‘branches’ are a lot stronger, they will stay, probably, for a couple of seasons. However, when the pressure continues to build, they can break away. As the posts suggest, they’re not the ones you want to marry or form a business partnership with.
Finally, the roots. Needless to say, they’ll weather all storms with you. These are the rare sorts, and will stay hidden beneath the ground like the root of a tree. They won’t let you know they’re roots; they’re happy remaining beneath the surface, while providing you with nourishment.
So, how do you know who will stay?
‘It starts with the little things…’
It’s in the details, as UAE residents say.
“It’s the way they listen to you, react to what you share with them. If a person shows a certain amount of genuine investment in you, they’ll engage with you on a more emotional level. They’ll show that they want to be a part of your life, by asking questions, like referring to what you mentioned the previous day; the conversations become less superfluous,” explains Seema Biswas, a Dubai-based school teacher. Her friend, Meena Goswami adds, that there is some instinctual power at play. The ‘right’ kind of people will help you with the little things, showing that they are reliable and trustworthy. As the friendship keeps building, you’ll finally be able to trust them with the bigger problems in your life, and if they stay rooted through those times, you’ll know that they’re meant to stay.
There are so many telltale signs, as Sangeeta Manglani, a Dubai-based relationship therapist and specialist explains. You'll share a deep respect for each other's individuality and together, create a supportive atmosphere of acceptance and appreciation. A deep emotional and physical connection will gradually build, and fortify your resilience against external pressures. "You'll feel valued and secure," she says. "Observing how a partner behaves in everyday situations is crucial to understanding their reliability and commitment to facing daily challenges together. This assessment builds trust, reveals their character and intentions, and establishes supportive patterns that strengthen the relationship," she adds.
Moreover, in a world fraught with distractions and hurdles, they’ll find time for you. They’ll learn from their mistakes, apologise and work on mending the relationship. They’re also consistent in their actions: It’s about showing up, being there, and staying true to their word. You’ll see their willingness to grow with you.
Observing how a partner behaves in everyday situations is crucial to understanding their reliability and commitment to facing daily challenges together. This assessment builds trust, reveals their character and intentions, and establishes supportive patterns that strengthen the relationship...
Yet, as poetic as it sounds, there are those who aren’t quite convinced by this perspective.
‘We’ve all got roots, leaves and branches within us…’
Dubai-based Natalia Scott, a British freelancer, explains, “If you actually start applying this analogy in your life, you might miss out on so many rich opportunities for friendships and relationships.” she says.
Recalling her own experiences, “I had a dear set of friends who had stuck by me during some of the worst times in my life for over two decades, including parent’s deaths, career switches and different countries. They had so much going on in their lives too, as did I, and after a while, we just couldn’t keep up. Time zones and distance were major factors. I don’t see them as ‘being flaky and unreliable’, and I don’t think they see me that way. They were facing their own struggles. When time permits, I hope we find our way back and become each other’s roots again,” she says.
Somewhere, we’ve all got bits and pieces of the roots, branches and leaves within our relationships with different people in our lives, she says. It changes with each relationship, life experience and circumstance.
Echoing these sentiments, Fleur Philippes, a Dubai-based relationship therapist cites her own life story as an example. “My own marriage broke down and we were separated for two years. Yet we found our way back to each other by just working on it. It took time and effort, but we managed,” she says. Relationships, be it romantic or platonic are far too complex or nuanced to be boxed into three definitive slots with characteristics attributed to it.
“We tend to overcomplicate or oversimplify things with our own overthinking, because many times, we don’t talk things out,” she says. There’s no textbook to any relationship, as she maintains. While it takes work to nourish a relationship and strengthen it, it’s also equally justified sometimes to just let go when it starts draining your energy, she adds.
You might be perceived as a ‘leaf’, but then, you did what’s right for you, at the end of the day. You can also be the ‘branch’, trying to be as present for your partner during the emotional storms, yet, when it overwhelms you too much and fissures begin featuring in your relationships, perhaps it’s time to reconsider.
While Philippes adds that it’s not possible to completely know who weathers all storms with you, one of the many starting points could be observing whether your values match, discussing your lifestyle aspirations and essentially, how they make you feel.
The different shades of relationships
“Sometimes, I feel that we rush to fit people into boxes that we ourselves create,” says Allison James, an Abu Dhabi-based psychologist and American expat. “We’re eager to dismiss people at the slightest chance that we get, or on the flipside, we insist on believing that they’ll be stay with us forever, based on a few instances and personality traits,” she says. Every relationship and friendship has complexity and a different shade, as people have varying sets of strengths and weaknesses. The real harm occurs when we start attributing labels to them.
“A casual friend you only connect with occasionally might not be the type to offer deep support during a crisis, but that doesn't mean they aren't a valuable friend in other ways. If you start labelling them as a leaf and not as a root, you start believing it, and it slowly starts showing in your behaviour. And then, you might lose a rich friendship, because it didn’t fit your ideal understanding of what a friend is,” she says. Everyone has a unique set of strengths, continues James.
A friend who might not be the best at offering emotional support, might help you out with practical tasks or cheering you on from the sidelines, she says. “Labeling them as a ‘leaf’ because they don't fit a specific mould ignores their unique contributions to the friendship,” adds James. A lot depends on how a person shows in a specific situation: If they might not be great at offering emotional support, they might shine in a crisis that requires practical skills.
People keep changing. “Those who seem like a ‘leaf’ initially, unreliable and disappearing during minor inconveniences, might mature and develop the qualities of a strong ‘root’ later on. Conversely, a seemingly dependable ’branch’ friend who's always there for fun times might not be able to handle serious challenges,” she adds.
Why the leaves fall, and why the branches break
There could be numerous reasons why the ‘leaves’ fall away, or why ‘branches’ break, as James says. Yet, it doesn’t necessarily take away from the impact that they would have on your life. “Imagine, you made a close friend now, as both of you are in the same office. You spend every day together. It’s comfort and relief for you, especially if you feel alone. Years later, you might shift jobs and you might lose touch. However, when you think of them, you might not perceive them as someone who couldn’t be trusted to stay on. You’ll still treasure the times that you spent with them, acknowledging the effect and healing that they had in your life,” she says.
As for the ‘branches’, it’s not always fair to expect that people can stick by someone through the most exhaustive of situations, as James says. “Everyone has a bandwidth and a limit. It’s very easy and romantic to say ‘I need someone who will stay by me through thick and thin’, but the reality is something else. You need to reflect too, on how exactly are such storms affecting them too, and pushing them towards the end of their tolerance,” she adds.
