What’s wrong with saying ‘I need you’, some of you must wonder. It's straight out of a heart-wrenching rom-com, thrilling and symbolic of trust and intimacy.
After all, who wouldn't want to be someone's lifeline?
The truth is, there's a fine line between being there for someone, and being too indispensable, which can create trouble in every relationship, and not just the romantic ones. Your sense of self ebbs; sometimes both of you are just trying to complete each other like puzzle pieces, rather than being whole on your own. And finally, you might just be left with a sense of emptiness, as you keep fulfilling someone else’s needs.
Perhaps, most of us have been there. It’s the painful learning curve, as many UAE-based residents admit. Dubai-based Srijana Mitra struggled as she realised that her former partner couldn’t really function without her, and ‘needed’ advice, reassurance and validation on several matters. He had suffered through many heartbreaks and was duly anxious, not realising that his desire to hold on to her was creating a further wedge in the relationship. “I kept doing everything that he wanted. I did this for seven years, distancing myself from friends and everything that I loved,” she says.
As she summarises, she became a shadow of herself.
‘No one needs each other in a healthy relationship’
As psychologists explain, this dynamic can play out consciously or unconsciously. Sometimes, there's a fundamental confusion between being needed and being loved. They're not mutually exclusive, however. As Joseph Belda, a Dubai-based psychiatrist explains, a healthy relationship allows for both – you can be essential to someone's life and deeply loved by them at the same time. Yet, you are able to function and don’t need each other to make basic decisions. “There is no particular ‘need’ as such; both the parties are independent. They have their own lives, and yet are there for each other," he says. Nevertheless, toxicity rears its head when being needed supersedes being loved.
Why would someone ‘need’ another?
As Belda explains, there could be several reasons. Perhaps, anxiety stemming from childhood experiences, where they were abandoned, or felt neglected, witnessed dysfunctional family dynamics and didn’t receive enough love as they believed that they should. It could also be later in life, a situation or scarring experience that sparks such attachment issues. They start fearing any sort of abandonment. Such a person who needs another, nurses a low self-esteem, anxiety and a fear of autonomy. Owing to the fear of being alone, they start going to great lengths to avoid any form of separation.
In a healthy relationship, you can be essential to someone's life and deeply loved by them at the same time. Yet, you are able to function and don’t need each other to make basic decisions. There is no particular ‘need’ as such; both the parties are independent. They have their own lives, and yet are there for each other...
Essentially, as a person feels that their own emotional needs were not met, they constantly expect the other to fill the void. “As a result, being needed, is one where one person excessively relies on another for support, whether that is emotional, psychological, financial, or practical. It creates a sense of imbalance in a relationship, romantic or otherwise,” he says.
So, how do you identify when you’re being ‘needed’ more than being loved in a relationship?
Difference between being loved and needed
Distinguishing in detail the difference between being loved and needed, Meenaxi Iyer, a Dubai-based relationship therapist explains being needed from the giver’s perspective. She says, “When we feel constantly needed, it can be riddled with anxiety. We are constantly worried about proving our worth, leading to a state of emotional fatigue and paralysis. On the other hand, a loving relationship, feels like a warm acceptance. We don’t have to constantly demonstrate our value; it’s there.” As the ‘dynamic’ is further pursued, we might fall into the trap of enabling a partner's dependence. We can’t say no them: We’re afraid of hurting them and causing any sort of conflict. We justify this dependence with rationalisation such as, ‘They’ve gone through so much. I need to be there for them.’ As a result, the person normalises this kind of need and unhealthy dependence explains Iyer. “In contrast, in a healthy relationship, a person’s confidence in the other translates into a stronger bond and richer emotional intimacy.”
Moreover, if a person is constantly ‘needed’, their self-worth can hinge on this idea of themselves. This can spill to other relationships; if they don’t think they can contribute similarly to someone else’s life, they step away, adds Iyer. Case in point: Dubai-based Melanie Samson, an American freelancer accidentally upset her friend, who thought she wasn’t ‘needed’ in Samson’s life. “She was so busy looking after other people, overreaching her own boundaries, she believed that I needed the same amount of care and affection, which I didn’t. She would genuinely feel offended, and believe that I was ‘shutting her down’, if I told her not to worry about something minor happening in my life,” recalls Samson.
And that, is the sign of a saviour complex.
The saviour complex
It’s a series of conflicting emotions that certain people can face when they’re needed, as the psychologists explain. They may be tired, and exhausted, yet, they’re unconsciously harbouring a saviour complex. “Being needed by someone can lead to the illusion that we can save them,” adds Iyer.
We start believing that we are the only ones who can pull the person out of their misery, because no one else can. The rationalisation: I’m the only one that they trust. I’m letting them down, if I’m not there.
Iyer provides an example: Imagine a partner struggling with low self-esteem. In a need dynamic, you might constantly try to reassure them and shower them with compliments, hoping to ‘save’ them from feeling upset. However, this might make them dependent on your validation. Now in a loving relationship, you would encourage them to build their own inner strength and self-worth, perhaps by suggesting therapy or activities that boost their confidence.
Explaining the dangers of a saviour complex, Iyer says, “This need to save fuels unrealistic expectations in the relationship. We set ourselves up for disappointment when the other person inevitably struggles or doesn't change in the way we envisioned.” As a result, we become overly invested in their well-being, neglecting our own needs in the process. And soon, you find yourself in an emotionally unhealthy codependent relationship.
How to break out of the need cycle
It’s comforting to feel needed in a relationship. However, when this need becomes all-consuming, robbing you of your own will and bandwidth, you’re left with an unhealthy dynamic that leaves you drained and even emotionally paralysed, as Belda says.
So, how do you recognise the signs? As Belda warns, it is a rather difficult process and requires sensitivity, as you could also be dealing with someone who has deep fears that they haven’t addressed, yet.
Notice the signs:
Constant anxiety: Do you worry about meeting a friend, or partner’s needs and feel anxious if you can't fix their problems?
Loss of self: Have you neglected your passions and interests to prioritise your partner's needs?
Resentment buildup: Do you feel resentful for constantly giving and receiving little in return?
One-sided support: Does the relationship feel imbalanced, with one person constantly relying on the other?
Stifled independence: Do you or your partner feel like you can't function or make decisions independently?
If you have recognised the signs, see how you can work through them, as Belda explains. Don’t immediately think about cutting them off, see how you can empower each other.
Express your needs: Talk to the person about your own emotional needs and desires.
Listen with empathy: Understand where their neediness might stem from and validate their feelings.
Set healthy boundaries: Communicate your limitations and what you're comfortable with emotionally and practically.
Finally, return to what makes you, you.
Rediscover your passions: Rekindle old hobbies or explore new interests. Having a fulfilling life outside the relationship strengthens your individuality.
Practise self-care: Prioritise your well-being. Make time for activities that help you relax and recharge.
Develop self-reliance: Encourage the person to build their own confidence and problem-solving skills. You care for them, but you aren’t their therapist.
Healthy encouragement: Be there for the person, but let them navigate challenges and celebrate their successes.
