When does that ‘I’m fine’ façade’ begin to crumble?
For example, a few years ago, a friend of mine (who wishes to remain anonymous) was going through a harrowing time with her wedding preparations. Her to-be in-laws were less than welcoming, her fiancé was indecisive, and she was still grappling with the grief of losing her mother. Yet, she always believed that anything less than ‘fine’ was asking for attention. So, she preferred to disguise her emotional turmoil with self-deprecating humour.
The truth is, the body keeps the score. Gradually, her sleeping patterns became dysfunctional, and she developed a nervous tic, and found herself easily distracted. Despite her exhaustion, she remained determined to plan her wedding with a fierce positivity that was slowly eroding her from within. As she later admitted, “It reached a point where I was physically ill, suffering from frequent panic attacks and struggling to eat. We almost called off the wedding.” After seeing the emotional fatigue burst through the seams, her family and her fiance’s family took immediate cognisance. The love and support finally allowed her to heal, and actually enjoy the wedding preparations.
This is a tragically common scenario. Many people insist they're 'fine' and 'good', even when their inner world is crumbling. As psychologists explain, the signs are often there; we just need to be more observant.
Pushing aside painful feelings
Emotions are uncomfortable and messy. Many people prefer to not address them at all; they feel it’s easier to ignore the elephant in the room. As Nikita Bhatnagar, a Dubai-based psychologist, explains, people hastily say they’re fine to protect themselves from uncomfortable feelings and conversations. “This can be traced back to childhood, where people were conditioned to believe that they shouldn’t show their anger or sad emotions. If you do, you’re accused of seeking attention, overreacting and creating a scene. So, they start believing that it is better to just ignore the feelings and desperately hope they subside, eventually.” They numb their feelings with positivity, and as the years go by, they may not even be aware of them. They could say that they’re just fine, because they don’t really know how they feel.
This behaviour can be traced back to childhood, where people were conditioned to believe that they shouldn’t show their anger or sad emotions. If you do, you’re accused of seeking attention, overreacting and creating a scene. So, they start believing that it is better to just ignore the feelings and desperately hope they subside, eventually...
In addition to this emotional suppression, there is also a common, misplaced belief that maintaining a calm and collected exterior despite inner turmoil is somehow admirable. “You’re called brave and courageous, for keeping it together,” she says.
This is tied into the desire to create as little conflict as possible too. Such people don’t want to rock the boat; they’re afraid of being a burden, which might push people away. “The fear of rejection has taught us to suppress our emotions and avoid asking for what we need.” So, we pretend to be cheerful. We’ll go about our day as if nothing has happened; we’ll just settle for being the good, dependable friend, spouse, or child. “And that’s the sad part: People depending on someone, who actually need help, themselves,” explains Bhatnagar.
Furthermore, denial plays a significant role, “We want people to believe that everything is fine for us, because we don’t want to have unpleasant conversations. We fear the shame, embarrassment and judgement, if people knew that we were struggling. We don’t want the pity, either. So, if we have to accept our problems to others, we have to admit to ourselves that we need help, and that, no one wants to do.”
Attachment styles
Additionally, a person’s early experiences with attachment styles can also influence their approach to emotional expression.
Bhatnagar explains the basic attachment styles, that are formed early in life through interactions with parents. These significantly influence how people perceive and respond to emotional situations. These styles fall into four main categories:
Secure: Individuals with secure attachment styles feel safe and comfortable expressing their emotions, trust others, and form healthy relationships.
Avoidant: Those with avoidant attachment styles tend to suppress their emotions and avoid close relationships due to a fear of rejection or abandonment.
Anxious: Anxious individuals crave closeness but often experience feelings of insecurity and abandonment, leading to clingy or needy behaviours.
Disorganised: Disorganised attachment styles are characterised by inconsistent and unpredictable behaviours, often stemming from traumatic childhood experiences.
People with insecure attachment styles, avoidant, anxious or disorganised, might be more prone to using the ‘I’m fine’ façade as coping mechanism. They may fear vulnerability or rejection, leading them to hide their true emotions. As Bhatnagar summarises, attachment styles influence how people perceive, express and regulate emotions. Quite often, they might numb their emotions or avoid it altogether.
The warning signs
You seemed fine?
Abu Dhabi-based Vaishnavi Ashok, a homemaker, remembers feeling particularly amused after hearing these words, months after a particularly harrowing phase. She had lost her job, and had to freelance, while also depending on her husband financially. Things took a turn for the worse, when her husband suffered an ACL tear and had to undergo surgery. Ashok remained cheerful with gritted teeth, believing that she couldn’t afford to let the exhaustion overwhelm her.
She maintained a calm demeanour in her conversations with friends back home in India, not revealing what she was feeling. Yet, she was missing birthdays, anniversaries of loved ones, something she had never done before. She didn’t cry or ‘look’ distraught enough, so people thought that she was ‘fine’. Yet, sometimes, she was forgetting where she placed household items. She missed details in conversations, and people would get irritated with her. “They thought that I was just zoning out, because I wasn’t interested, or that I didn’t care enough,” she remembers.
As Dubai-based Charlotte White, a clinical psychologist explains: Before you get annoyed with someone for not remembering a particular detail, or if they seem distracted or apparently disinterested, try to understand what’s happening with them. “These are always the warning signs that a person is falling apart: You don’t have to wait for a crisis situation, or them to spell it out,” she says. They’ll use the phrase ‘I’m fine’ as a mask, to avoid probing, yet their behaviour and seemingly insignificant gestures will show that they are far from fine. “They could even try to keep themselves distracted. They’ll plan outings, lunches, dinners and gatherings, and will be the centre of attention everywhere. Yet, in my experience, I can say that many times, those who are constantly on the move, or trying to be busy, are using distraction as a coping mechanism to disguise their real feelings.”
The emotional fatigue seeps into their sleeping patterns: They either sleep too much, or don’t sleep enough. “They’ll always try to be positive, laugh, even when you know the situation is rather stark,” explains White. People often mistake that as a sign of, ‘Oh okay, they’ve got this. They know they’ll be okay. How brave.’ In fact, that’s possibly the time that they need you, the most.
And quite often, there’s a steady decline in doing things that they love. They refuse invitations, prefer to stay by themselves more, saying it’s ‘me time’, or just stop pursuing hobbies that they once enjoyed. “It's not that they've lost interest; their internal battles are simply draining their energy. If you notice someone neglecting their hobbies or passions, it might be a sign that they're dealing with something deeper,” adds White.
Everyone expresses distress differently, despite the calm outlook, explain the psychologists. A person doesn’t have to be in tears to be noticed. “After a crisis, I’ve heard people say, ‘oh, but they never told us…’ Most of the time, they won’t. You might have to pick up on the signs,” says White.
For instance, Jessia Gilberts, a British Abu Dhabi-based corporate communications manager regrets an oversight with her employee. He was always cheerful, sharing food with the team, and enjoyed making self-deprecatory jokes. “That should have been my biggest sign,” she says recalling the shock of his unexplained absence for weeks. Later, she learned that he was in depression. “I don’t think that we ever know what battles people fight,” she says.
How you can choose to address these signs
Bhatnagar and White list down practical tips on how to address these warning signs. Key point to remember: Don’t push them, or overwhelm them with concern and love.
Be observant
Pay attention to subtle changes. Look for signs like decreased energy, changes in sleep patterns, or withdrawal from social activities. Notice changes in behaviour. Pay attention to shifts in mood, such as irritability, sadness, or anxiety.
Open and honest communication
Express your concern. Let the person know that you've noticed a change and that you're there for them. Create a safe space. Assure them that they can share their feelings without judgment. Be an active listener as well; give them your full attention and avoid interrupting.
Normalise emotions
Be sure to validate their feelings. Let them know that it is okay to feel sad, anxious or overwhelmed. Share your own experiences. If appropriate, share your own struggles with mental health to help them feel less alone.
Avoid pressuring them
Allow them to open up at their own pace; don’t overwhelm them with love and concern, as that might drive them away or make them feel pitied.
