"He lost bladder control when I shouted and that’s when I knew my rage was getting out of hand,” says a 67-year-old dad of two, who requested anonymity. Years ago, as an “angry young man”, he says, he would lash out at his older son, spanking him, yelling at him when he was displeased. It took a lot of therapy and mindfulness for him to rehabilitate this behaviour, he says, adding that he’s still ashamed of those episodes. Especially since this inability to self-regulate seems to have percolated down to his son. “The shadows never quite go away,” he says.
Everyone has triggers – it may be a childhood trauma that’s rearing it’s vicious head during an interaction or a sitting seethe that comes up to boil at the wrong time – but when dealing with children, it’s important to filter as they tend to internalise their parents’ reactions to them.
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The why of it all
Kirstan P. Lloyd, Clinical Psychologist at UAE-based Reverse Psychology, says: “The reasons why we become reactive as parents are plentiful, ranging from our own childhood to everyday stressors of modern life. It’s important to identify what your stressors are and to understand ‘why’ you are lashing out or why you struggle with your own emotional regulation.”
This introspection can lead to the exposure of discoveries such as:
Past trauma: Which may be what’s triggering the upset.
Shame: “Everyone seems to know how to raise our children except us. Parenting can also feel like a space where we feel judged or not good enough, which makes deeper inquiry feel frightening or unbearable,” says Lloyd.
Acknowledgement of a physical demand: One may be tired or hungry, not have had any ‘me-time’ or be feeling poorly, which has resulted in a temporary loss of control.
Everyone seems to know how to raise our children except us. Parenting can also feel like a space where we feel judged or not good enough, which makes deeper inquiry feel frightening or unbearable.
When does your anger translate into child abuse?
Lloyd explains that while there’s more information and conversation about what constitutes abuse today, there is no standardized definition of abuse that applies across all settings, cultures or families. This makes it difficult to differentiate abuse from something that American author David Royse (‘Emotional Abuse of Children: Essential Information’) calls "suboptimal parenting".
She adds that while poor parenting skills may not always mean emotional abuse, it may result in the child experiencing the parent as abusive, which can have many long-term and far-reaching consequences.
Some behaviours are of course inexorably cruel. These are behaviours that:
- Reject,
- Shame,
- Frighten,
- Insult or demean a child.
“Behaviour like this is exceptionally damaging to a child's physical, cognitive and emotional development,” she adds.
Signs your child is experiencing trauma because of your reactions:
1. Older kids may verbalise things: They could use statements like ‘you're a mean mummy’ or even be more direct and labelling a parent as abusive, says Lloyd.
2. They may act out: In these cases, we can witness acting out behaviours, she says, such as:
- Depression,
- Anxiety,
- Eating disorders,
- Self-harming,
- Suicidality, and
- Risk-taking behaviour.
3. Younger kids in school: “Younger children may become disruptive at school or hurt other (younger) children. Alternatively, younger children may become withdrawn and will almost lack engagement with the world around them,” says Lloyd.
Tips for rehabilitation
Think you are quick to anger? Here’s how to stop it from controlling you.
1. Do deep-breathing exercises: It important to work on yourself, to do things that will maintain emotional equilibrium even during a storm, says Mexican mum of two Sandy Zanella. “And when they do something that triggers me – I just try to take a step back; if it’s really something I can’t handle or if it is very, very triggering for me, I just get on their level and say, ‘I can’t handle this right now, I’m just going to take a step back’. I take a deep breath and then come back and talk about it. And this helps in two ways:
- It helps me and
- I’m showing them that it’s okay to have emotions, mummy has emotions too, but instead of screaming, she’s taking a deep breath and with it a time-out.”
2. Include them in mindful experiences: Zanella recalls that when she was a girl and lived by the beach, her parents would take her to see sunsets along the coast. “We didn’t take food or water or anything, we just sat and looked. It was meditative,” she explains.
3. Procrastinate when in anger: Nanda Kumar, life coach and founder of Dubai-based education centre Vega Visionary, calls for parents to be conscious of their behaviour and just step away if they feel a burst of anger coming on. “It’s the best thing to do,” he says.
4. Navigate situation according to personality: Management requires flexibility in treatment. Dubai-based mum Ritu Patel, explains: “When I would yell at my older child, she’d become more docile and would listen, but when I would shout at my younger one, she would become even more hyper and would respond by saying, ‘You are shouting at me, so why you are asking me to keep quiet?’” The Indian expat adds: “We need to alter our responses with the gravity of the situation and the personality of the child.”
When I think I’m getting agitated, I will distract my kid by saying, ‘Let’s go out’ or ‘Let’s look at the birds’.
5. Distract the child: For Benita Varghese what’s worked is a distraction tactic. “When I think I’m getting agitated, I will distract my kid by saying, ‘Let’s go out’ or ‘Let’s look at the birds’.” Kids have short attention spans so doing this can definitely diffuse a situation.
6. Acknowledge that the kid is not always at fault: Mario Marteniz, who has two children aged six and four, is from Mexico. He says: “it’s not the child’s fault. A baby may be crying but it’s not to annoy you, it’s because of what he or she is feeling.”
7. Children respond as you do: Kids take their social cues from parents – speak to them on their level, says Marteniz, and they’ll be much more receptive to your points.
8. Golden rule: “Ensure there is never any violence. It’s my golden rule,” he adds. If there comes a point where you are feeling overwhelmed, speak to your spouse and take a time-out.
9. Explain what you are doing: Marteniz offers an example of bond building: “I was preparing water by son’s bath – I put some hot water in the tub and was touching it. When he asked me why, I would tell him, ‘I want to touch it because I don’t want you to get burnt. If it’s hot, let me get burnt. He was so happy to hear this – to know I was doing things for him. So he went to his sister and said, ‘Oh, you know, daddy is testing the water and he doesn’t mind if he gets burned as long as we don’t.’” That’s a powerful message for kids – to feel protected. Explaining is a way to tell the child that positive things are happening.
10. Identify what you are feeling: Anger may actually be an umbrella term for a number of emotions, says Priyanka Dang, Clinical Psychologist at UAE-based Openminds Centre. It can mean you are:
- Hurt,
- Feeling threatened,
- Hateful,
- Frustrated,
- Embarrassed,
- Insecure,
- Resentful,
- Irritated,
- Sceptical,
- Jealous,
- Devastated etc.
11. Check the facts: She adds: “Many emotions and actions are set off by our thoughts and interpretations of events, not by the events themselves. Examining thoughts and checking the facts can help us change our emotions. Think of other possible interpretations. Practice looking at all sides of a situation and all points of view.”
Many emotions and actions are set off by our thoughts and interpretations of events, not by the events themselves. Examining thoughts and checking the facts can help us change our emotions. Think of other possible interpretations.
She offers an example: “’If you say, ‘My child never sits down to study when I ask him/her to. This makes me shout at him/her.’ Possible interpretations: He/she is wasting his/her time; this means I am not being a good enough parent; my friends will talk behind my back when my child does not score well”. Possible facts: “My child does study when I ask him/her to; he/she just takes a little longer to sit down. He/she scores above average marks as is visible in his/her report card.”
Don’t say this
There are some statements that are more hurtful – and harmful than others – explains Dang. She lists some toxic statements:
- ‘You never listen to me.’
- ‘You are always wasting time.’
- ‘I am tired of your tantrums.’
- ‘Stop overreacting.’
- ‘You always make me shout at you.’
- ‘You are good for nothing. Let me do this for you.’
- ‘Can’t you see how many problems you create for us?’
Confrontation is key when dealing with anger – it must mean a challenge to your own trauma, a defeat of your own demons. Or it’s not you who will pay the price – it’s the next generation.
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