How to stop bickering with your spouse

Do you find yourself constantly sniping at your partner? You’re not alone – especially when kids and home schooling come into the equation. A new baby can be like a grenade in the balance of a marriage, and yet there’s evidence to suggest that even babies as young as six months’ old can be negatively affected by hearing their parents argue. Meanwhile parents of older children have been put under unprecedented pressure during the lockdown and COVID restrictions, with home schooling, financial pressures and general tension. We’ve gathered up the best advice we’ve received from marriage counsellors and therapists on ways to rebalance the harmony in your relationship…

ARGUE WELL: It might sound strange, but there are constructive and destructive ways to argue, according to couples’ therapist Andrew G Marshall. He advises that you 1) Keep arguments to just one issue; 2) Take a break if you feel panicky or out of control; and 3) Don’t avoid arguments all together, “as this will lead to nuclear explosions – remember, if something’s bothering you, tell yourself ‘I can ask; he or she might say no, and then we negotiate’.”

IDENTIFY YOUR BOUNDARIES: If you are still working from home or spending more time than usual around the house together it is inevitable that you may butt up against one another more. Keep thinking about your boundaries, advises Andrew G Marshall: “Do you need more privacy in your home work space, some sacrosanct alone time after dinner, or to read your favourite section of the paper first? With this mammoth amount of togetherness we’re living through, keeping strong boundaries will keep us sane.”

CHECK IN WITH EACH OTHER DAILY: Make sure you are checking in with each other in a small way every single day. It might just be a five-minute chat over coffee in the morning, or a quick sit down after the kids go to bed. You’d be surprised how many couples never do this; and yet “little and often” is the best way to prevent a destructive deluge.

PLAN TREATS APART: Each plan an individual “release treat” (to be taken when safe, of course) – be it a camping trip with a friend, a night out, a trip to see family. Do something big apart, so you can get some invaluable perspective on what’s gone on between the two of you.

DON’T SHUT DAD OUT: The bulk of domestic chores and childcare often falls to the mother, which can breed resentment, but it’s important that the mother ensures she is genuinely giving dad the opportunity to help out, says Jancee Dunn, mother and author of ‘How not to hate your husband after kids’. “It’s important to keep fathers fully involved in childcare. I realised I was complaining about my husband’s lack of involvement in our child’s daily care while simultaneously pushing him away because I secretly felt I did a better job. Psychologists call this ‘maternal gatekeeping’ – keeping Dad at bay by criticising or shutting him out, which can put off a hesitant father – sometimes permanently. I started paying attention to how often I was making him feel inept, such as leaping in to correct how he dressed or bathed our daughter, or making comments like “that’s not how she likes her toast!” Now I involve him in everything, including every email regarding our child, from playdate plans to teacher interactions.”

CLEARLY DIVIDE DOMESTIC TASKS: Conflict arises when your roles are unclear, says relationship author Jancee Dunn. “Rather than bicker endlessly about who most deserves a break from changing nappies, it saves time and energy to divide all chores from the get-go. Yet I was still doing more of the work in my marriage, until I received this tip from psychologist Joshua Coleman, author of ‘The Lazy Husband’. He told me to watch my husband for a few weeks, note the things he can’t tolerate if they’re not done, then take them off my plate and plonk them on to his. My husband can’t tolerate lateness, so now he takes our daughter to swim lessons and does the bills. He twitches if beverage supplies run low. All yours, darling!”

BANISH THE ‘L’ WORD: After struggling in her own marriage post-baby, author of ‘How not to hate your husband after kids’ Jancee Dunn investigated ways to make her relationship better. One sticking point was the ‘L’ word (but not the one you think). Jancee Dunn says: “Feel like putting a task off until ‘later’? It’s probably best for husbands to avoid that term entirely, advises psychotherapist Jean Fitzpatrick. It’s a word that especially rankles mothers, she says, because they tend to be the ones doing time-associated tasks that involve tight deadlines, such as feedings and school runs. Tom has avoided so many fights simply by giving me a time – even a vague one such as ‘by tomorrow’– for when he will do something.”

SET ASIDE TIME TO NUTURE YOUR FRIENDSHIP: Strong and happy relationships are based on friendship, says Matleena Vanhanen, a licensed Counselling Psychologist working in Dubai. “A strong friendship nourishes affection and romance and a connection between the spouses. In practice this means that as a couple you need to put time aside to connect with each other.” You may need schedule it in your diaries to make sure it happens, says Matleena. “During this time find out what is happening in your partner’s life right now. Listen carefully and do not interrupt. Focus on understanding and refrain from giving advice. Take turns as speaker and listener. There is no shortcut to knowing the other person. It requires time and commitment. Some couples may be able to connect daily, others may need to set some time aside weekly.”

ASK OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS: Another good way that can help you and your spouse stay connected is to ask open-ended questions, says counselling psychologist Matleena Vanhanen. “When life gets busy and stressful, discussion between the two of you may start focusing entirely on practicalities. As important as it is to know if the AC has been serviced and how much it cost, it does not help you to know about your partner’s fears and hopes. You can ask almost anything. The questions do not have to be serious. What is your spouse's favourite superhero and why? Which relative is the closest to your spouse and why? What is your spouse’s proudest moment this year? How about what adventures your spouse would like to have before they die?”

LET GO OF THE DESIRE TO BE ‘RIGHT’: Stop trying to be right, says Dubai-based counselling psychologist Matleena Vanhenan. “If you are able to stop seeing conflict as a situation where you are totally right and your spouse is horribly wrong you are doing well. If you are able to stop seeing conflict situations as an opportunity to convince your spouse that their position is wrong and see how right you are, you are doing even better. Learn to manage, rather than solve conflict (the vast majority of problems do not have one single right or wrong answer). This is about accepting that both of you have a valid point that deserves to be heard, says Vanhenan. “When the disagreement becomes about you wanting to hear what your spouse has to say and be influenced by their perspective - and vice versa - you have moved from hostility, defensiveness and gridlock to managing conflict. For some disagreements it is relatively easy to find a good enough solution. Other disagreements may require ongoing discussions and temporary compromises.”

UNDERSTAND IT’S NORMAL FOR IT TO BE HARD: All psychologists agree that new parents need to reassess their expectations when it comes to marriage post-baby. In the ideal world all new parents would have access not only to antenatal classes focusing on the birth and caring for a new baby but also preparing them for their new roles as parents. “Research shows us that this transition is much harder than previously anticipated for the majority of parents, says Matleena Vanhenan. “Hence, if you find that becoming a parent has taken a toll on your marriage, you are far from being alone. The good news is that by strengthening your friendship and practicing being gentle with your spouse in conflict situations your relationship can become even better than what it was before the baby was born.”

HOLD ON TO THE PANDEMIC POSITIVES: Most married people, especially the ones with young families, already knew that the ‘old normal’ didn’t always work that well for them, points out couples counsellor Andrew G Marshall. “Compromises and sacrifices were often made because there didn’t seem to be other options, rather than because we thought they were worth it.” While lockdown was undeniably horrible, the flexibility and creativity required may have brought some positives for some. “If you don’t want to go back to the old way of doing things, and you can see a different way, hold onto that,” says Marshall. “Talk about it together and keep journals individually – this is the perfect way to come to understand your own state of being.”