Career or family: Forced to choose?

Corporate headhunters in the UK have spoken: if women are serious about successful careers, they should forget about having a family. This survey — on the recruitment agenda of the people that matter — stated that women can’t afford to take maternity leave when they are part of upper-level management and should report back as soon as possible to make sure their climb up the corporate ladder doesn’t slow down. Gulf News invited a group of readers to its head office this week, to put the question to them: Do women still have to choose between a family and a career? Our guest moderator, communications professor Dr Don Love, steered the discussion to find the answers. You can watch the discussion on gulfnews.com. Here are some excerpts:

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What are the advantages and disadvantages of women working?

Petra Müller
I was a mother at a very young age and because of my job as a choreographer I was continuously out of the house. I was out at 7 in the morning … and came back by almost 9pm, so you don’t see your children anymore. The fact is that someone [else] is raising them and the question arises: why am I the mother? I agree that there has to, definitely, be education for women, you have to be capable of managing your own life, as you never know what will happen. But it should not be the number one [priority]. We are born as mothers, and we should stick to it.

Ruksher Malik
I think you need family support, definitely, and being in the Middle East you also have hired help, so then you can spend quality time with your children. If you are career-oriented and want to work but can’t because you don’t have [the family] support, sometimes it frustrates a woman. According to me, it is a personal choice. Either you want to be a homemaker and you are happy doing that or you are career-oriented. Because, I’ve seen a lot of women spend their entire day doing household work, and they are not happy with that. They are so frustrated that by the time the kids come home from school, you take the frustration out on the kids. I think there has to be a balance.

Faruk Bhagani
I don’t think it is a question of should women work. The question is: what’s your priority? And I think that if you are a woman who is very career-focused, you have got to give up somewhere. It’s going to be really difficult for you to maintain a large family and have a very successful career and try to make both work. I just don’t see that happening. So being active, being educated and being comfortable is good. Because divorce is becoming more commonplace the dependency situation isn’t good, so you should have the skills to fall back on. But I think if your career as a woman starts to subsume your children, the real impact is going to be on your children. So, it is a fine balance that you need to work out.

Mariya Kassam
I think it is very important for both the husband and wife to play a part in the upbringing of children. So, when you have two very career-oriented people, they’ve probably got very good time-management skills. One of the most important things in my work life, my family life and my social life is that I have very good time-management skills and I make time for each of them. Otherwise I wouldn’t be here.

Subhasis Mukherjee
Surely kids need their mum at the early stage of life. So, the woman has to sacrifice at some point in time if she wants to have a family. That is the irony: motherhood is the biggest gift in the world and for it a woman gets penalised. But we cannot do anything about it. People who run a business are in it to make money, they don’t really care. So when a woman applies for maternity leave, they are not kind enough [to give it]. So, if the woman is fiercely ambitious, she has to forsake something.

Petra Müller
At my age I can see that, yes, I was a very young mother and I also enjoyed it. But I was also missing spending time with my child. And now getting older, I discovered the biggest mistake in Europe was this so-called ‘independence for women’. A woman should never be like a man. Yes, a woman has to work and has to be educated, but why are we not focusing on homes?

Ruksher Malik
I don’t think anyone disagrees with that. I mean, being a careerwoman, I wouldn’t want to be a man, I am happy being who I am. For me, when I had my children, I was lucky enough to get a part-time job — which is why, in my business as well, I am open to taking in women who want to work on a part-time or job-share basis. So, there are ways to find a balance, and get the best of both worlds.

Jessin James
There is a tender age for a kid to accept what they see and it is very essential that an elderly person, who has seen and experienced things, comes to them and says, this is not the right way to do things. If kids are not monitored, they turn out to be anti-social. So what needs to happen is that organisations need to give a contract for working mothers to take leave or a career break over two to four years, and say that you can come back and work with us afterwards. That’s something my organisation does.

Subhasis Mukherjee:
At the top management, the stakes are higher. If a woman goes on maternity leave her career gets jeopardised. So, the woman has to decide. But, then again, why should just the woman sacrifice? There are nannies and other helpers who can be hired, but the main problem is the lack of bonding.

Faruk Bhagani:
I have a friend whose wife is a very successful attorney, and so is he. She’s been with a large oil and gas company now for many years. They move on her schedule [and] he is more of a stay-at-home father. My feeling in that situation is that you know it works, it definitely has, but one thing we can’t bury is that … let’s not run away from our genetic propensities. Women bear children, not men. Women have a certain attachment and ability with children that maybe men don’t. [Also], the point is: how does it affect children? If it wasn’t an issue of your next generation being at risk, women could easily work and there would never be a debate. So, I assume that’s what the debate is about: what is the effect on the coming generations? And I think Petra’s right, because there was a [feminist movement] in a certain generation, I mean I remember Gloria Steinem in the US … but yes, [now] there’s a price being paid for that — drug abuse, children dropping out of school, psychological issues — I think more of that comes from imperfect households. So, the trade-offs are tough, but in my opinion, in an ideal situation, women will always be a part of management. But there has to be some mapping in terms of their life cycle, so you can’t be the vice president or CEO of a company and then decide you want to have a baby.

From a management point of view, they may have a policy of hiring men because they’re not quite sure what’s going to happen with a woman. Is it fair?

Ruksher Malik
I don’t think it is. At the end of the day the woman who’s applying for the job knows what she’s getting into — she’s going for a corporate job. She’s made her choice, so from the management point of view, I don’t see why they should have such a policy.

Petra Müller
At this point in time in Germany, if you apply for such a high-level job, you have to sign a [contract] which says that I will not have a baby in the next year or so. Because if you are a vice president of a company you cannot take time off as a mother, not in Germany, not [anywhere else] in Europe. Because you really have to work so hard. They make you sign the contract, not because they want to interfere in your private life but they want to make sure that you are absolutely clear that you are not having a child.

Faruk Bhagani
It’s my business and I run it. [At the] end of the day I have to report to somebody — shareholders or investors. If I am taking a position on manpower, I should make sure that I make the decision that will bring the best return on investment. [Suppose] there were two equally capable people — one was a woman in her late 20s or early 30s, very bright, very capable, and a man in his mid 30s. At the end of the day I’m going to look at the woman and ask: “Where are you in your family life cycle?” And she may say that she’s not really thinking of having kids but that could change, right? So, that’s a risk a company has to weigh, because if I bring her into that kind of role, it is not just that she is giving to the company, but there is a lot of investment on the part of the company into her.

Mariya Kassam
The question is: Why would anyone lie? I too have a business, and I do ask the question sometimes, as I can only employ women, so I wouldn’t lie at a job interview and I wouldn’t expect to be lied to. Women are good at planning.

Jessin James
Talking about a company’s management, which thinks that a man should be given a job, they should clearly cite the reason why a woman should not get that job. When you advertise for this position, it is very important that you clearly state that this position is only for men, so a woman wouldn’t apply, as they’ll get the picture.

Does a woman have to choose between a family and a successful career?

Jessin James
There is a point where the mother can give that tender love to the children, rather than the father. In a top management position it would not be possible. You would have to choose.

Faruk Bhagani
I do agree that you have to choose but there are caveats. And the caveats are where that person is in her life cycle.

Mariya Kassam
I don’t think you have to choose, you can do both very easily. At the end of the day it is all about planning properly, planning perfectly and diligently. It is very easy to have both.

Ruksher Malik
Me too. I don’t think you have to choose and like Mariya said, you have to plan, you have to organise and of course you need support, because both the parents play a very important role in rearing the child.

Subhasis Mukherjee
I don’t think women can have both. But it also depends on which job [she has chosen]. If she is in an office job or in the education sector, I think it is possible.