Why are we so cruel to ourselves?
Last week, my friend refused to play her playlist in the car, nervously dismissing her taste as “silly, random and weird”. Confused by this barrage of unflattering adjectives, I said that it was simply a matter of personal preference. Instantly she responded, “No, no, but my friends never like it when I play my songs. They tell me that I have terrible taste in music. So that’s why I don’t play my songs in front of others.” She had just convinced herself that others would demean her choices; perhaps she didn’t trust her own songs anymore.
The spectre of self-doubt haunts us all. Dubai-based Rosette Thawne, a teacher and Irish expat, recalls a friend who talked herself out of buying a guitar because she didn’t think that she could ever be good enough to play it. Deepa Menon, a Sharjah-based homemaker doesn’t have much faith in her baking skills, because of one cake that failed to rise. These stories underscore a common theme: Negative self-talk that whispers ‘you can't,’ ‘you're not good enough,’ and ‘you're destined to fail.’
We frequently treat ourselves with a harshness we'd never inflict on others. Self-compassion often takes a backseat to self-criticism, a destructive habit that can hold us back from reaching our full potential. So, how does this hurtful labelling develop, and how can we break free from this negativity and cultivate self-compassion to heal ourselves?
‘An internal dialogue that runs through our minds’
What is self-talk for starters?
Jelena Lubenko, a Dubai-based psychologist explains, “It's the internal dialogue that runs through our minds, consisting of thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes about ourselves and our experiences.” This self-talk is a powerful force, that either encourages us and boosts our confidence or undermines our self-worth and creates doubt. “Our mind is like a constant commentary machine, naturally inclined to categorise and judge. This internal dialogue is necessary as we need to make sense of the world and ourselves, so we can make informed choices, reach our goals, and avoid undesirable consequences,” she says.
Our mind is like a constant commentary machine, naturally inclined to categorise and judge. This internal dialogue is necessary as we need to make sense of the world and ourselves, so we can make informed choices, reach our goals, and avoid undesirable consequences
According to Lubenko , this labelling isn't innate. We're born with a natural inclination toward self-love, as evident in children's delight in their own reflections and accomplishments. “However, as we grow and interact with people around us, we absorb more knowledge about the world, relationships and ourselves. The unfortunate part is that many of these learning processes zero in on what we’re doing wrong, leading us to internalise such cruel ideas about ourselves,” she says.
Hence, if you notice that you’re harsh to yourself and self-labelling with terms such as ‘failure’, ‘bad’ person’ or ‘incapable’, you learned this through experience.
The ‘failure’ label
The ‘failure’ label is a common culprit in our self-criticism. From a less-than-perfect dinner to a missed promotion, setbacks are often equated with personal failure.
For instance, Abu Dhabi-based Lalitha Krishnan (name changed on request) admits that any sort of failure leaves her reeling. She didn’t get the adequate marks required for a driving theory class, and was morose for around two hours feeling that she would never be able to drive in her life. A friend expressing his disappointment and confusion compounded her misery, of course.
Why do we resort to such harsh labels? The roots often lie in our upbringing. As Samantha Adams, a Dubai-based clinical psychologist from LightHouse Arabia explains, for instance, growing up in an environment where love and acceptance were contingent on meeting specific expectations can foster a tendency to label oneself as a failure. This might manifest as feeling loved only when achieving external standards, or being harshly criticised when falling short.
Labelling oneself a failure builds and perpetuates a negative self-image, where a person persistently sees themselves through a lens of failure and intensifying the presence of a harsh, self-critical internal dialogue. The label of ‘I am a failure’ can become a familiar, prominent self-story, and comes with a risk of reinforcing itself by becoming somewhat a self-fulfilling prophecy...
On the other hand, they could have also grown up in a critical environment, where they have been told that they’re incapable of glowing achievements. “This becomes an internalised self-story that leads to a deep sense of inherent failure. Furthermore, if a person has had an experience of being excluded, rejected and treated differently to others, they can be left feeling as though they are inherently problematic, developing a deep internal sense of failure,” she says.
Failure: A functional term?
The ‘failure’ label can become a self-perpetuating cycle. As Adams explains, people start believing that the term is ‘functional’ and necessary, as it can motivate them to do better. “They fear that if they start being self-compassionate then they will ‘relax’ too much and stop pushing themselves to achieve.” Jones emphasises this is a fallacy: Self-compassion results in higher levels of intrinsic motivation and productivity, particularly after a perceived failure.
On the other hand, failure perpetuates a negative self-image, where a person persistently sees themselves through a lens of failure and intensifying the presence of a harsh, self-critical internal dialogue. “The label can become a familiar, prominent self-story, and comes with a risk of reinforcing itself by becoming somewhat of a self-fulfilling prophecy because of how it can influence one’s emotions, decisions and behaviour,” says Adams.
These self-critical labels seep into every aspect of our lives. How can we break free from this negative narrative?
Self-compassion: A new language
Most of us find ourselves battling hurtful negative statements, especially during challenging situations. That’s where self-compassion comes in: It’s like learning a new language, explains Lubenko. “It’s a more supportive and kinder way of treating ourselves. It requires effort and practice, especially in stressful situations, when the critical inner voice tends to dominate.”
Adams elaborates on the concept, explaining that compassion is a three-way street: Extending it to others, receiving it from others, and, crucially, offering it to oneself. Self-compassion involves treating ourselves with kindness, empathy, and acceptance.
So, how do we nurture self-compassion? How can we be kinder to ourselves? For starters, as the psychologists explain, notice how you speak to yourself. What are the stories that you tell yourself about yourself? Are they critical or compassionate? “Ask yourself whether you would say those things about someone you care about. If not, then a change in self-narrative is important,” says Adams. Even deprecating jokes about yourself as a ‘failure’, reveal underlying psychological tension and low self-worth.
The psychologists put together techniques that can help in engaging in self-compassion:
• Diffusion techniques: Treat your thoughts for what they are — a learned combination of words, not facts of reality. Learn to separate yourself from your thoughts. For instance, instead of thinking ‘I am a failure,’ reframe it as ‘I am having the thought that I am a failure,’ which reduces the power of that thought.
• Values clarification: Identify what truly matters to you and make choices aligned with those values rather than being driven by self-critical thoughts.
• Self-kindness: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend.
• Limit comparisons - comparing yourself to others can keep you stuck, especially as these comparisons tend to include positive assumptions being made about others that lack context and meaning.
• Practise self-forgiveness by offering yourself the understanding that everyone makes mistakes, it’s a natural and expected part of life, perhaps shifting your focus to achieving goals based on meaning and personal values rather than perfection.
• Just as self-criticism can become habitual, so can self-compassion, so practise.
