In a world still riven by seemingly intractable conflicts, the spiral of reprisals seems bent on taking everyone along into the abyss.
In the face of extremist rhetoric, clash of narratives and deep divisions, how is it even possible to forgive?
Nothing in this world can restore the life of a murder victim, or mass murder victims.
Think of the many past conflicts: The Pearl Harbour attack, the incineration of Nagasaki and Hiroshima, the carnage in Europe and Asia during World War II, during which 75 million perished — and the internecine conflicts that came before and after that.
So while wars conflicts are real, so is forgiveness.
Forgiveness is widely recognised as a pathway to peace and social harmony. At home and beyond, it brings concrete benefits. Imagine all parents unable to forgive their children, and beat them all to death.
Or imagine the WWII Allies and Axis powers still fighting while you've having your morning coffee today... The internet will be impossible, or jammed.
Forgiveness can break cycles of retaliation, fostering empathy and peace – not of the grave, but peace of the living as well.
What is forgiveness?
Easy to say, but hard to do. It means letting go of resentment, anger, and the desire for retribution against someone who has wronged us.
Forgiveness is also counter-intuitive: humans are remarkably hardwired to exact vengeance. And fast.
It turns out forgiveness is possible
It's a difficult decision, to be sure. "The weak can never forgive," Mahatma Gandhi, India's founding father, famously said. "Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."
From a moral standpoint, forgiveness is tied to several key principles:
Compassion and empathy:
Moral philosophers often regard compassion and empathy as core reasons to practice forgiveness. By recognising the inherent flaws in human nature, we come to realise that everyone is capable of making mistakes.
There’s a science-backed argument to be made for the difficult act of forgiving. It echoes the voice of the world's most iconic peacemakers, Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr.
When we forgive, we acknowledge not only the humanity of others but also our shared vulnerabilities. Empathy allows us to see the motivations behind someone’s actions, opening the door for understanding and, ultimately, release from bitterness.
Restoration of social harmony:
In many traditions, the act of forgiveness is viewed as essential to maintaining social balance and relationships. Instead of escalating conflicts or perpetuating cycles of harm, forgiveness offers a way out, restoring trust and mutual respect between individuals and groups.
Indeed, it is a timeless concept found in every major religious, philosophical, and moral framework.
In recent months, videos on social media have turned viral as they purportedly show people in Saudi Arabia forgiving convicted murderers of their family members.
A recent one showed a Saudi man who has pardoned the killer of his son without getting blood money in return.
Many of those deaths were caused by deliberate genocide, massacres, mass-bombings, disease, and starvation.
The forgiving father, identified as Mohammed bin Shagah, announced his gesture at a gathering in the Besha governorate in Asir in south-western Saudi Arabia.
He told the crowd, who included tribal notables, that the pardon gesture was made seeking Allah's contentment.
“I swear to Allah not to take a single riyal (in blood money),” he said amid praise from the crowd.
Forgiveness and pardon is a major recommended virtue in Islam. In the Holy Quran, God urges Muslims to show forgiveness and graciousness towards others, including non-Muslims.
In the same vein, the Prophet Mohammed (peace be upon him) underlined forgiveness, pointing out that the act elevates the status and reward of the one who forgives.
In Christianity, forgiveness is a divine mandate. The result: it strengthens community and personal relationships, as epitomised in the Lord's Prayer: “forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.” There's an invocation to "Love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you."
Judaism places great emphasis on teshuva – repentance. It is a way of atoning and requires cessation of the harmful act, regret over the action, confession and then repentance.
An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
The principle of non-retaliation
More importantly, forgiveness is connected to the principle of non-retaliation.
In the works of Mahatma Gandhi, India’s founding father, and Martin Luther King Jr., an iconic rights activist in the US, forgiveness is seen as a way to break cycles of violence and oppression.
These leaders believed that responding to harm with forgiveness – rather than revenge – brings about a more just and peaceful society.
At its core, forgiveness transcends personal desires for retaliation. Rather, it focuses on healing and reconciliation — with others and with oneself.
Their work showed how forgiveness can transcend individual grievances and promote societal change.
Psychological and health benefits
Forgiveness is essential to any growing, healthy and lasting relationship: like a mother who forgives a child for each and every mistake made by the little one, and kiss every self-inflicted pain. There's a science behind it, too.
Beyond its moral significance, forgiveness has been shown to yield significant health, psychological and physiological benefits. Researchers have provided empirical support for the idea that forgiveness not only enhances personal well-being but also improves relationships and physical health.
Improved mental health: Forgiveness is strongly linked to emotional health. Holding onto resentment and anger leads to chronic stress, which can exacerbate mental health issues such as anxiety and depression.
A study published in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine by Worthington and Scherer (2004) explored the link between forgiveness and psychological well-being. Their research found that individuals who practiced forgiveness experienced lower levels of anxiety, depression, and hostility.
It suggested that the act of forgiving led to a reduction in rumination (repeatedly thinking about the event), which significantly improved emotional health.
Physical health benefits: In addition to emotional well-being, forgiveness is associated with better physical health. Chronic anger and resentment have been linked to increased risk of cardiovascular disease and weakened immune responses.
A study by Lawler-Row and Piferi (2006), published in Psychology and Health, examined how forgiveness affects heart health. The researchers found that individuals who forgave others had lower blood pressure and heart rates during stressful situations compared to those who held grudges.
The path to forgiveness
While the benefits of forgiveness are clear, the path to forgiving someone who has wronged us is often difficult.
Forgiveness, experts stress, does not mean condoning harmful behaviour, excusing injustice, or forgetting the offence.
Rather, it is about releasing oneself from the burden of anger and the desire for retaliation.
Empathy for the offender: This is a big thing. While it doesn’t mean agreeing with the harmful behaviour, it means trying to understand the offender’s motives. This can create emotional distance between us and our feelings of anger.
Research shows that empathy is a key factor in achieving forgiveness and mitigating the harmful effects of holding grudges.
Commitment to let go: This requires hard work. Forgiveness is an active choice, often requiring repeated effort. Especially in cases of deep or repeated harm, forgiveness can be a gradual process. However, committing to let go of anger is an important step in breaking free from its hold.
Forgiveness, while challenging, is a powerful tool for fostering peace within ourselves and our communities.
Its foundation in empathy, non-retaliation, and restoration makes it a cornerstone of many ethical systems.
Forgiving oneself
Self-forgiveness, too, is important. It is crucial for emotional well-being and personal growth.
What it means: letting go of guilt, self-blame, and regret over one’s past mistakes or transgressions, enabling oneself to move forward in life with a sense of inner peace and self-compassion.
While forgiving others is important, the ability to forgive oneself can be even more challenging yet profoundly healing.
Two further studies bear this out
A study by Woodyatt and Wenzel (2013) published in Self and Identity found that self-forgiveness plays a significant role in reducing depressive symptoms.
The researchers highlighted that individuals who could forgive themselves for past wrongs experienced greater emotional well-being and lower levels of distress compared to those who remained stuck in self-blame.
The act of self-forgiveness enables individuals to embrace their imperfections without becoming overwhelmed by them, leading to better mental health.
Another study by Wohl, DeShea, and Wahkinney (2008) in Journal of Research in Personality examined how self-forgiveness affects behaviour and emotional well-being. Their findings showed that individuals who practised self-forgiveness reported healthier relationships with others, as they were less likely to project their guilt or self-directed anger onto their loved ones.
Additionally, self-forgiveness was associated with lower stress levels, leading to better overall physical health.
By choosing forgiveness, we free ourselves from the destructive effects of anger, opening the way to healing, growth, and harmony.
