“No one can prepare you for fatherhood. Everyone must experience it for themselves,” says 33-year-old Dubai-based expat Hassan Qadir. There is a physical shift in scene of course – stuffed animals and baby items compete for space with video game consoles and books – but more than that, there’s a mental and emotional switch. “You become more responsible. And you must modify your routine as per your baby’s, for example, you are not used to waking up so many times in the night, but you do it, without complaining. He or she becomes the centre of your world,” adds the new dad.
Often, because the focus is on the woman, men are caught blindsided by what parenthood entails. But a little research can help manage expectations and better relationships. “Evidence suggests that some consideration for the father-to-be has immense benefits for both parents’ mental health, better relationships between the parents and stronger attachment between the father and baby,” says Dr Diksha Laungani, Educational Psychologist at The Psychology Center in Dubai Healthcare City.
We have our parents here; they are guiding us.
So how can a man prepare for his new role as father, worrier and carer while maintaining his relationship with himself and his spouse? For expecting dad Abin D. Thomas, it’s about taking things one step at a time. “We are reading about her pregnancy periods and baby’s growth stages. Apart from that, we are not reading too much online, because reading things on Google… it just stresses us out,” he says.
Thirty-year-old Prakash Manghwani, meanwhile, looks to his parents for advice. “We have our parents here; they are guiding us. They are telling us what we need to do. For now, care for the mother, make sure she’s eating nutritious food, good protein,” he says. This ‘counsel’ approach is keeping him in a happy state of mind; all questions are answered, and health is monitored.
Individual thoughts
For Leon Wright, a 30-year-old British expat and dad to a three-month-old baby, working out the logistics – i.e. house, nursery, etc. occupied him for much of the pregnancy. But once the baby was born, he realised that life for parents is all about adaptation. “Effectively, every baby is different, so you have to adapt when the baby’s here,” he says.
“It’s very easy for mums to get connected to the babies, especially after growing it for nine months. But while I was very excited and happy, I don’t think I had an undoubted connection till she was here. And ever since then, the connection has grown,” he adds.
As for the best advice he’s received about child-rearing, Wright laughs: “Don’t really listen to other people; if you take things in your stride, you’ll be able fine. The best part is that you’ve got the opportunity to do it [be a parent]. And like I said, each child is different, so you are better off listening to your own baby rather than other people’s advice.”
In doubt about what can make your transition easier? We asked experts for their pointers in parent preparation. Here’s what they said:
Start working out. Now. “If you were waiting for a good reason to get healthy, being a father should be it. Being a father is emotionally and physically tiring at times and being physically healthier can increase your resilience. So, consider quitting smoking, getting physically active, light weight training (for all the carry cot lifting and child seat gymnastics) and eating healthily. This will not only provide real overall health benefits for you as a dad, but you will also be setting a good example and acting as a good role model for your child and family. Moreover, a physically healthy body is an important component to an emotionally healthy mind,” says Dr Waleed Ahmed, Consultant Psychiatrist at Priory Wellbeing Centre Abu Dhabi.
If you were waiting for a good reason to get healthy, being a father should be it. Being a father is emotionally and physically tiring at times and being physically healthier can increase your resilience.
Be emotionally involved. If you are struggling with your mental health, this is your cue to get some help. Having a baby in your life can be demanding and if you are running on reserve and barely dealing with everything else going on in your life – relationships, work, social life, etc. - it can mean a difficult path ahead. Speak to a therapist, he suggests.
Talk about roles and responsibilities. Spend some time reflecting on these questions, suggests Dr Laungani.:
- What skills do you think you need as a parent?
- What tasks will you do as a parent?
- What past experiences have prepared you for parenting?
- What changes can you expect in your life?
- What are some personal strengths that will help you in your journey?
- What can you do to enhance your parenting skills?
Every father-to-be is different from the other and some individual thought will take you a long way.
Speak to other fathers. Dr Ahmed says: “It helps to get some insight into fatherhood by speaking to people who have already walked that path. Sometimes it does help to have a sense of humour in this life-changing experience, as parenting can be messy. So, it might help to be part of a new father’s group etc., where you can share advice, concerns, and tips and generally provide guidance and reassurance to each other.”
Plan bonding time. “Parenting is often not about reading specific books or going to antenatal classes (although these may be of some help), nor about buying the best things for your baby. Connection and attachment are the cornerstones effective parenting. Have a think about how you aim to establish these with your child and maintain your relationship with your partner,” suggests Dr Laungani.
Be realistic. Or you are setting yourself up for failure. “Every parent wants to do well by their child. However, becoming a perfect parent will be impossible. Instead, read the book ‘The Good Enough Parent’, which forms much more realistic expectations of parenting, including embracing the failures and frustrations as a parent to raise well-adjusted and resilient children."
Even if you do all of this, however, you may still find yourself surprised by the tectonic shift in your own priorities. “I started spending more time at home, he [my son] became a priority. We don’t go out much, no weekend parties and get-togethers anymore,” explains Qadir. It’s all about the baby.
Connection and attachment are the cornerstones effective parenting. Have a think about how you aim to establish these with your child and maintain your relationship with your partner,
You can’t explain the experience in words, says Dubai-based Mexican expat Luis Adrian San Vicente. “Every day is a new discovery for you and your baby. And little by little you understand that your life changed forever, now every action, every movement you do thinking about your baby and suddenly there is an engine that drives you to be a better person, a better husband, and a better father.”
Write to us at parenting@gulfnews.com
