Talking to kids about money being tight
Talking to kids about money being tight Image Credit: Elena Xausa

Even as most activities reopen, many parents face telling their children that things they were looking forward to are effectively still cancelled - because parents can no longer afford them.

“Many people are facing job loss or changes to their salaries and working conditions, and that is reflected in our client concerns,” says Dr Rose Logan, clinical psychologist at The LightHouse Arabia in Dubai. “Even those who so far have not been affected personally can be affected by what is happening to friends and colleagues, and there is often a fear that they could be next.”

It can be even more pointed for expats, continues Dr Logan. “When a parent loses a job in the UAE, there are fewer safety nets and so people often have to make decisions and changes much more quickly than they might do in their home countries.

“This can be challenging and often people are making these decisions based on hypothetical or possible scenarios.

“The lack of family support means that the stress of this is not mitigated, although close friendships and professional networks can help.”

While most play areas, extracurricular activities and restaurants have reopened now in the UAE, it could be that your family can no longer afford to do these things, which would be classed as luxuries rather than the essentials such as school fees and rent.

“Parents can try to hide fears about having enough money, but children's eyes and ears are sharp,” says Dr Wendy Mogel, psychologist and author of ‘Voice Lessons for Parents: What to say, how to say it and when to listen’. “This requires difficult family conversations to help children set new expectations in this new world.”

How you have these conversations will vary, of course, depending on the age and temperament of the children and on your new economic situation, says Mogel.

“Our responsibility, now as always, is to be truthful with our children without scaring them. We have to be cautious about promising children that things are going to get better, instead offering hope that things might get better.”

But there are some ways in which being an expat may actually make this task easier, adds Dr Rose Logan. “I think a lot of children living as expats in the UAE are accustomed to change in a way that their peers in other countries are not. So there is a resilience, and if parents are sensitive in communicating what is happening, changes do not have to be all negative.”

Here, Dr Wendy Mogel shares her advice on how to strike the right tone when communicating with your children about the sensitive topics of job losses and salary cuts.

Consider your pain and worry first

Do not underestimate the unprecedented situation you and the rest of the world are in.

In our consumer economy and cultural moment of competitive self-branding, meeting the basic challenge of stretching the budget and separating what we want (or have been accustomed to) from what we need is hard. When it's complicated by the psychological loss of a job title and status as a provider, it's harder. Treat yourself with dignity by noting that you remain a devoted and attentive parent even in this wildly uncharted environment.

You may be feeling some combination of bitterness and shame, catastrophizing, terror about prolonged unemployment or worry about falling ill, and a loss of identity if you have lost your job or your partner has.

If you've retained your health benefits, take advantage of therapy via telemedicine or in person if this is covered for you.

Or try joining an online parent support group. The LightHouse Arabia is offering lots of free, regular online support groups, including a Motherhood During Covid-19 support group; Thrive Wellbeing Centre has a Covid-19 resource hub which features a plethora of free webinars and support groups; while Out of the Blues is a welcoming Facebook group for those in the UAE suffering with mental health difficulties.

And have a heart-to-heart with your inner critic. Self-blame is seductive because it gives an illusion of control.

Where to start

If it's true, reassure your children that you have enough money to pay bills and buy food and that if you run low, family and friends will help out. If you’re job hunting, pivoting your business in a new direction, or taking classes to learn new skills, share some of the details. It will be reassuring for them to know about your resources and plans.

Remain calm and curious about their questions. Even if it's new for you to talk with your children about your financial situation, you are laying the foundations of being an "askable" parent.

Speak difficult truths

When talking to your children, you will need to decide how much to share, depending on your children's age and ability to absorb bad news, and curate it for what they need to know.

Take a slow breath. Aim for calm, candid and brief. Consider your tone - the melody is more important than the lyrics.

You've already taught the children about how people adjust to a pandemic: Hand washing and masks help keep us from getting sick. Introducing them to the concept of adjusting to a changed economic reality is another opportunity to teach them about real life.

If preschoolers sense that job loss is a secret, their imagination will take over. "Something bad happened to the grown-ups! Something bad will happen to me!" Next, they're waking up with bad dreams, fearful about being alone in a room, tearful over small frustrations. Allow simple facts to banish the monster under the bed. Tell them you're not working with the same people or at the same place as you were before and what you're doing with your time now.

Older children will be eager to know how your job loss will affect their lives. "Can we still order dinner? Will I go back to my same school? Will we be homeless soon?" Shrink dramatic predictions with reassurance about what will stay the same, what might change, and that you will always share news with them and answer their questions.

Don't overshare or underprepare

Be frank with your teenagers about the family finances in a collegiate, we're-figuring-out-our-next-steps-here manner. Let them surprise you with suggestions for what to do. Don't demean ideas like "We can start a YouTube channel!" Instead approach their up-to-date take on survival skills with an open mind.

Allow your children to grieve. It probably won't be pretty. Expect tears, confusion or anger among younger kids, and feigned indifference or cold shoulders from older ones. Or the reverse! Remember that heartbreak can sound like entitlement.

As challenging as it may be, try to respect your children's disappointment without defensiveness. Of course the pandemic wasn't your fault, but your children may lash out at you. Take it as a good sign. It means that they heard you and trust that you are sturdy enough to be able to absorb their feelings.

Resist selling an unconvincing silver lining

It's tempting to patch over the pain with fast talk, spin, bribery, a hard sell of alluring alternatives or wishful crystal ball predictions.

But instead tell them the new reality is that we just don't know. Don't strip your smart children of dignity with "but, but, but." Instead, be honest.

Introduce the world through a different lens

It's tempting to find someone to blame. Cynicism about your future prospects or scapegoating leaves children feeling vulnerable. Instead, this unexpected period could be viewed as an opportunity to teach and be of service.

Having a sense of purpose is a powerful antidote to helplessness. It changes our mental channel from troubles, anxiety or self-pity to pride, satisfaction and a connection to the community.

Look for ways your children can help others without spending money while also maintaining social distance: Depending on their age and interests, perhaps they can join a program to be matched with older people as pen pals, donate their old toys to children who need them more, or become online tutors to younger kids.

Let the children lead

The prefrontal cortex, the brain region responsible for foresight, hindsight and impulse control, doesn't finish developing in girls until their mid-20s and a few years later in boys.

So while we analyze, fret and stew, young people hop from anguish to ecstasy: how perfectly the cupcakes turned out, a one-of-a-kind homemade face mask, a TikTok dance move mastered.

Enjoy this small-scale serendipity with them; don't let the pandemic hijack wonder and delight. It will be good for you too.

As adults, moving from macro thinking to micro moments requires intention and self-control. But go outside. Wander around your neighbourhood and look for beauty.

With your child, read a book he or she was assigned for school and gossip about the characters. Speculate about their motives. "I was so surprised when (protagonist made a particular choice); were you?" Take advantage of the privacy you share with your children: Call them affectionate nicknames without the risk of embarrassing them in front of friends, build your store of private jokes. We are making memories for our future selves

Looking forward

Explain that as the world recovers, your situation may change. You may find a new job that will involve a different schedule, and that may affect your children's routines. There may be a new child care arrangement.

As with all difficult topics, this is not a one-time conversation. Your circumstances may change and your children may have new questions. Check in from time to time, and update them if there are developments. In this new reality, you'll need the whole family to operate as a resilient little team.