Before I shuttled colleges and moved to the UAE, I spent a month juggling all the agitation that comes from living alone in India’s capital, New Delhi; battling cash constraints and bank red tape, navigating transport and the unruly characters in public mediums, and tackling other ‘grown-up’ issues. When my mum returned to help me move, the initial days were fraught with anger and head-butting; common questions such as ‘where are you going?’ felt intrusive and refrains of ‘get home on time’ felt unfair. Looking back, it was my defence mechanism acting up and my overwhelmed heart that could not believe its good fortune; I could go back to being a kid and not stressing about the big stuff.
When the pandemic kicked in last year, the restrictions – some self-imposed and others state mandated – meant families had to stay away from each other; parents have been in one part of the world while children have been in another. As vaccinations become more and more common some gateways to home have opened up and reunions are once again on the cards.
But for those who are just getting back to their families, once you get past the happiness some new issues may crop up. We asked the experts how to navigate the new rocky roads of a reunion and what may become your family’s new normal.
Anthony Sibusiso Nhlapo, Clinical Psychologist at Openminds Psychiatry: Counselling and Neuroscience Center, says: “The unplanned and protracted travel [restriction] forces children to learn to live without the separated parent. As a result, they may change or adjust rules, pick on new undesirable habits and even develop resentment towards the parent for ‘abandoning them’.”
The unplanned and protracted travel [restriction] forces children to learn to live without the separated parent. As a result...[they may] develop resentment towards the parent for ‘abandoning them’.”
New rules, new ways
“So, the sudden return of the separated parent after a long, although definitely longed [for] by the child, may create emotional problems for the child and result in adjustment problems. For example, children may find it difficult to return to pre-travel family conditions and may want to continue with their learned and adapted behaviors following the separation. The child may want to wake, eat, play and sleep at times that are unfamiliar to the separated parent. This can cause clashes if the separated parent reinforces the old rules without renegotiating them with the child,” he adds.
Sneha John, Clinical Psychologist, Camali Clinic, Child & Adult Mental Health, also speaks of a fear of ‘re-abandon’. “Children are unsure what to expect from a returning parent. For example, they may fear they will be punished for six months’ of bad behaviour. They may also fear you will leave them again. Remember that change is just as stressful for children as it is for adults – probably more so because they have so little experience coping with it. Sometimes they act out,” she explains.
What are the signs that something is wrong?
While parents know their kids best, here are some general signs to watch out for that point to your child being overwhelmed with your return. Sibusiso Nhlapo points to:
- Irritability and low frustration/tolerance following your return.
- Moodiness and anger outbursts, especially when requested to follow rules.
- Social and emotional withdrawal instead of wanting to spend more time with the separated parent.
- Constant worry about being abandoned by the separated parent.
- Anxiety or panic when separated parent leaves.
- Clinginess.
- Fear of being alone, including at bedtime.
- Frequent illness, which often has no apparent physical cause.
- Low self-esteem.
Reintegrating peacefully
Change is difficult, especially for children who thrive when in a routine and get disturbed when thrown out of it. Here are some remedial measures as suggested by Sibusiso Nhlapo:
- Control your emotions when feeling distressed by the child’s behaviour.
- Reply honestly and let them know how their behaviour affect how you interact with them.
- Provide reassurance of love and support.
- Try to slowly re-establish routine and communicate it to the child and not force compliance — this predictability may be reassuring to the child.
- Encourage the child to express their feelings, and react to those feelings in a neutral and non-judgmental way.
- Try to spend time on recreational and pleasurable activities that you and your child will enjoy. But avoid over-compensation, i.e. avoid trying to make your child to love you. The goal is to emotionally reconnect with your child.
John recommends the following:
- Tell your children how much you missed them and how happy you are to see them again. They would need to hear it from their parents.
- Praise them for helping out while you were gone. Let them know how much how you’re looking forward to hearing about the things they did while you were away and slowly build a routine that could give the family structure.
- Try to avoid power struggles with both your spouse and your children. Take it slowly as you, and they, readjust to your presence. This period of transition will last several weeks – and it can be awkward. You can ease this by reviewing schoolwork, looking at family photos or asking your children about their activities.
- Make them feel a part of your life by telling them about your own experiences.
“Parents must explain [to] kids how people live in different circumstances and tell them that money and luxury is not equal to happiness. Happiness can be found in small pleasures and corners of life. It helps the children expand their perception.”
It took about a week of arguments and miserable, awkward interactions for things to get back to normal between my mum and me. I had resented her travels and suffered her absence. But reunited, gradually the anger faded leaving behind the usual: lots of love.
Are you facing any parenting issues that you'd to talk about? Write in to us at parenting@gulfnews.com
