'You are too young to understand': 10 things you should never say to your child

SAY THIS NOT THAT: It’s tough to navigate the landmine-rich path of parenting; there’s no manual and it’s so so easy to cause hurt when you don’t mean to. We asked an expert about things we say without much thought that may be doing more harm than good. Elaine Maichin, Psychologist, Priory Wellbeing Centre, lists 10 phrases we should be careful about uttering.

‘STOP CRYING, YOU WILL BE FINE’. Negating or minimising your child’s experience will make them feel like they are being judged for the emotion they are showing and wrong for showing any emotion. Instead, try normalising their emotion. Say, “We all feel sad and cry sometimes.” Asking them why they are crying or feeling sad can sometimes be difficult to identify for your child. Talk about the experience and normalise and validate the emotion. You can then try showing them how to take a different perspective on the situation which teaches them how to look at the situation through a different lens.

‘YOU ARE JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER/FATHER!’ Telling your child this shows them that they inherited this from one of their parents and that they are not accountable for their actions. Try saying something specific without comparison as in, “I am not happy with (Blank) because of (Blank).”

‘I WISH YOU WERE MORE LIKE YOUR BROTHER/SISTER’. This can be harmful to a child’s self-esteem because it makes them feel like they are not enough and less than their sibling. Try not to compare your child with others in order to persuade them to do something. Instead, use encouragement or specific guidance.

'JUST ACT LIKE A BOY/GIRL' OR 'THAT IS ONLY FOR BOYS/GIRLS'. Limiting boys and girls to what they can and cannot do based on their sex, tells them that there are certain ways that girls should behave versus boys, and if they don’t comply, then they are wrong. Instead, try not to compare gender-specific roles or interests. Rather explore and be curious with your child about their interest as an individual.

‘STOP BEING SUCH A BABY’. This minimises your child’s feelings and is a harmful thing to say when they are upset. It is a judgemental comment and can make them reluctant to openly talk to you and make them question expressing themselves. Instead try saying something similar to, “Tell me how you feel and why you are feeling this way.”

‘DON’T EAT THAT OR ELSE YOU WILL GET FAT!’ This teaches children to be overly conscious about their bodies and will create negative body image issues and self-esteem issues that are damaging to their development. Instead, try recommending some healthy food choices without limiting to eating only a certain food or amount.

‘YOU DID WELL BUT YOU COULD HAVE DONE BETTER’. Any compliment that is followed by “but” should be avoided as it takes away the compliment itself. Celebrating small accomplishments is a way to motivate children to do well and using “but” can make them feel they did not make you proud and did not do enough. Try saying something similar to, “You did well and I am proud of you.”

‘CHILDREN ARE TO BE SEEN AND NOT HEARD’. This can make your child feel like their opinions don’t matter and are not valid because they are young. This can make them feel that they have no voice and can cause them to internalise their feelings. This can lead to a ‘build-up’ that explodes or stresses the child, both physically and mentally.

‘YOU ARE TOO YOUNG TO THINK ABOUT THIS’. Shutting down a child’s curiosity will make them less likely to ask, explore and be curious, as well as preventing them from ‘knowledge seeking’ in the future. It can also lead to them trying to seek answers from other sources that could potentially be not as trustworthy. Instead, try saying something similar to “I am not ready to discuss this with you now, but one day we will talk about it.” Or try understanding why you are not ready to discuss the topic and how you could discuss it in an honest and age appropriate manner.

‘YOU WILL NEVER BE ANY DIFFERENT’. Try to avoid using words like “always” and “never” as it places a label on your child and can make your child feel hopeless to change and growth. Children are very susceptible to your words and placing children in a box of negativity or permanent being suggests that they are incapable of improving or change. Try instead to discuss what the concern is and how it can be done in a different matter.