“The most selfish thing you can do in the world is to have a child,” says Luz Maria Villagras S., a UAE-based Conscious Parenting Coach, Hypnosis Therapist and Neuro-Linguistic Programming Practitioner. “But no one likes to talk about it. We have children because we want to have that feeling – that feeling of being a parent.”
And then we impose on them a legacy of hard lessons that we’ve been taught by our own parents; it’s a heritage with strands of culture and tradition all woven together in a mantle that sometimes is too hard to bear.
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Villagras S. explains that in places where the only way to thrive is through getting a job and doing well, there is so much anxiety that it is transferred from generation to generation – it’s a call to children to achieve and to populate specific careers. “In some cases, you can already tell when a child is born, the parents already have an agenda for their child. The child will work to fulfil this agenda – because if the child doesn’t fulfil it, he/she will not get parents’ approval and then the love of their parents. If the child wants a different dream, the parent will say, no. They’ll give the kid silent treatment, be mean to the kid… so what will the child do? The child will adapt, say, ‘ok if I do what I want, my mum will not love me, only when I’m achieving she does’, so the child will do that, because the child thrives on the attachment and nourishment of a parent,” Villagras S of the conditioning process.
In conscious parenting, you say, alright I brought you into this world; I take full responsibility to guide you through my example.
What is conscious parenting?
That’s where, she explains, ‘conscious parenting’ comes in. It’s a style of growing kids that focuses on learning about your own triggers and how to counter them; it’s about breaking patterns that have been established and handed down from generation to generation as a prized method to raise kids.
But back to the question – is parenthood a selfish act? UAE-based artist and mum-of-three Giana Cochrane says, “If we see it from the expression ‘love shared is love multiplied’, parenthood could be depicted as a selfish act. Two people find love and want their love shared and multiplied by having little versions of themselves. It sounds rather selfish.
The responsibilities that parenthood entail are not to be taken lightly but also not to be inflicted upon the children.
“However, once one takes on that role, it is a roller coaster between selfishness and selflessness. The responsibilities that parenthood entail are not to be taken lightly but also not to be inflicted upon the children. I believe it is important for parents to define their role clearly when taking on parenthood. As a parent of three kids going through different stages of childhood/teenage years. It is clear that I am constantly jumping between doing things for me and for the children. For example, I would have loved to learn to play the piano when growing up but couldn’t take lessons. I signed up my children for piano lessons. After a few years, my daughter lost interest. The ‘selfish’ urge to live through her came up and tried to make me force her to continue. But thankfully, my definition of parenting is ‘to build a foundation for my children to fly with their own wings and build a safe haven for them to come back to when they face some storms’. I came to reason that forcing her to continue while she was in tears just thinking about taking more classes, is against the ‘safe haven’ part.
“I think if everything parents do is for their children, they will eventually have to suppress some or even a lot of their needs, which might lead to frustrations towards their children and unrealistic expectations too. On the other hand, if they make the children do things for their own needs, the same frustrations will come up from the children’s side. Neither party gains and the relationship is doomed.”
Starting point different from end point?
For Indian dad-of-two Abdul Samad, whose kids are aged five and two, it’s a selfless act that ends in selfish behaviour. He explains: “The first couple of years of parenting are unconditional. Or selfless. We take pleasure in doing everything possible to make/keep the kids comfortable. Then comes the age of disciplining them. The gifts become conditional and we get upset if the kids don’t keep up their end of the bargain. Of course that’s not so serious yet and we continue to pamper them whilst trying to mould them into what we think is best for them.
“As they grow up, and depending on how they grow up, the conditions become stricter and the slightest rebellion starts hurting the ego of a parent. Then we start making them count their blessings and the time and effort we’ve invested in them. And that’s when it becomes selfish. But it is harsh to categorise parents as selfish, since parenting is not so black and white. There are many layers to it. Under all those expectations, there’s a genuine sense of concern, care, responsibility and accountability which a child will understand only once she/he becomes a parent. Then the cycle continues. And with it, the debate.”
Parenting style must be learned, not inherited
Romanian mum-of-three Aida Mosa was stuck in a rut until she heard about conscious parenting, which some say is the opposite of selfish parenting. She says it changed her life. “I was struggling with my three-year-old, who, before the twins were born, was an angel and then became unmanageable after the twins arrived. And when the twins started crawl and we had to be around them all the time, he started to hit them, bite them. I thought parenting comes naturally and I would read a few articles here and there, and I thought I know what to do – I need to put him on a naughty step, I need to do all the wrong things that were done to us growing up. At the time, I didn’t see it as a pattern, I just did it because I thought it was the right thing to do. And I realised that even after doing all this – applying all these strategies – it didn’t help. In fact, it made things worse.
“My kid would be going on the naughty step himself and after hitting his brothers, saying, ‘I’m going on the naughty step now. I know I shouldn’t hit.’ He would repeat that. Then I reached out on this Facebook group and Lou Maria came forth, and I decided to try it. I thought it can’t be that bad; we learn how to drive, we learn how to do different things at work – skills and stuff – I’m really desperate at this point because I don’t want to parent the way my parents did. Therapy was like opening a Pandora’s Box … I understood where exactly where all these parenting techniques that I had were coming from and how wrong they were and how my insecurities in every aspect – as a human being, work professional, mother – were triggered from my own upbringing.
“It also left me asking a lot of questions about who I am, who I want to be. Not as a mother, but as an individual. I apply it to everything – conscious parenting, relationships.”
Transgenerational handover
Sima Qafiti, a Jordanian based in Dubai, had a similar epiphany to share. “I felt that I was doing some actions and I didn’t know where they were coming from. For instance, my kids were picky eaters and naturally, at the time, I wanted them to be healthy, strong and have the right foods that I had in mind that they needed to grow. My reactions were force feeding, trying to bribe them – I was observing their reactions; it wasn’t working out, but I wasn’t able to figure out the right way.
“What I learned was it’s important to look inwards; rather than the actions of your kids. Being conscious gives you a few moments to say, ‘okay, this is the king of trigger that I’m experiencing with my kid. I understand the trigger now and I’m able to think for a few seconds before I respond, because I know it’s coming from a place inside of me, a place of fear; it has nothing to do with my kids and what they are doing in this moment’.”
What is a good parent?
These testimonies to parenthood bring us to the quintessential question: Whether selfish or selfless, what makes a good parent? There really is no absolute answer, says Dr Waleed Ahmed, Consultant in Child, Adolescent and Adult Psychiatry, Priory Wellbeing Centre, Dubai and Abu Dhabi; he believes in the ‘good enough parent’. “The concept of a ‘good enough’ parent first described by Dr Donald Winnicott helps us understand that parents who are sensitive and responsive to their child, gradually allow him/her to experience frustration when she is able to tolerate it. A good enough parent is empathic and warm towards the baby, being available both physically and emotionally to her.
The concept of a ‘good enough’ parent first described by Dr Donald Winnicott helps us understand that parents who are sensitive and responsive to their child, gradually allow him/her to experience frustration when she is able to tolerate it.
“They meet the child’s needs in a responsive manner, and make her feel safe and contained. It requires a parent to show a certain degree of flexibility to adapt to their child’s changing and immediate needs. Good enough parents will allow the child to express a range of feelings. They can tolerate their child’s feelings without getting too overwhelmed and assimilated in them. But, a good enough parent knows that they cannot manage this all the time. It is ok if they can manage this for a good enough amount of time. This concept of good enough parenting also recognises that there is no one right way of parenting. Also, ‘the good enough’ is from the child’s perspective. Children come with their unique temperaments, sensitivity and neuro-developmental make up. Their unique needs require unique responsiveness from their parents.”
Want to be a better parent? It’s going to be a tough path. “We wish our children came with their own user manuals but that isn’t the case. Perhaps in the future, with the development of genes informed treatments and use of artificial intelligence, more individualised advice to parents may be available that considers the child’s genetic-psychological-environmental factors. Until then, get to know your child, do your own research from reliable sources, and aim for “good enough”! If you have any concerns, please seek professional help,” says Dr Ahmed.
Maria Villagras S. adds that one should lead by example, not just words. “In conscious parenting, you say, alright I brought you into this world; I take full responsibility to guide you through my example. I want you to read more, I will read myself, so when you see me reading, you will be inspired to do that. And if I want you to be a doctor, let me show you what a doctor does,” she explains.
Whichever way you lean in the selfish parenthood debate, remember the words of Lebanese-American poet Kahlil Gibran, who said: “Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you. And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.”
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