It’s okay to not be okay – sometimes. But there’s a coveted human ability to bounce back that we all have called resilience that can be nurtured and grown over time. We asked the experts for tips on how to raise a resilient kid, someone who can deal with adversity with strength and come out the other side of any issue stronger. Here’s what they said.
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Build a strong emotional relationship: “When we spend quality time with our children, we help them develop coping skills within the context of a trusting relationship. I am afraid this means you need to put down any distractions and focus on your child. When kids know they have the unrestricted support of a parent, they feel empowered to ask for help and try to work through difficult situations,” says Dina Dimitriou, Coaching Psychologist and author of the book 'Are You Parenting The Adult Of The Future: A Practical Guide of 7 Life Skills Of The Future To Prepare Your Teenage And Child’.
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Teach problem-solving skills: These skills are the foundation of resilience, explains Kim Henderson, Clinical Psychologist at German Neuroscience Center. “Try this simple switch to promote better ‘next step’ thinking. For example, If your child left their jumper at school and you ask, ‘why?’ the most likely response is ‘I don’t know’ or ‘Oops’. Instead, say, ‘You’ve left your jumper at school, what happens if you can’t find it tomorrow? What will you do?’ They might try and think about asking the teacher, or asking the cleaner if they have seen it. Help them walk through this problem together.”
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Demonstrate coping skills and label emotions: “When children are experiencing stress, deep breathing exercises help them relax and feel calm. Additionally, by helping your child label their emotions and communicate how they feel, it helps them understand what they are feeling and that feelings do not last forever,” says Dimitriou.
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Promote growth mindset: “People and children who have a fixed mindset and avoid mistakes are usually the least resilient people. On the contrary, when we embrace mistakes and do not focus on the end result, we develop a growth mindset, which helps us learn from our mistakes and take risks,” she adds.
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Practice delayed gratification: “Another key aspect of resilience is understanding you can't always have what you want when you want it – this is called delayed gratification. We live in a world where everyone looks for quick results. One of the best ways of modelling this skill involves impulse control, turn taking and flexibility of thought. There are so many ways of developing delaying gratification in everyday life such as board games, learning musical instruments, even watching a TV series together week by week, etc.,” says Henderson.
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Always look on the bright side of life: “Resilience and optimism go hand in hand. Some children are naturally more optimistic than others, but thankfully, optimism can be fostered. If your child is a pessimist try to acknowledge all the feelings that lead to pessimistic thinking and teach them how to reframe their thoughts to find the positive,” says Dimitriou.
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Modelling and practising gratitude: “Another key aspect of resilience is modelling and practising gratitude,” says Henderson. Neuroscientist Alex Korb says in his recent book, ‘The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression’, that ‘gratitude is a state of mind - in fact, there’s a gratitude circuit in your brain, badly in need of a workout. Strengthening that circuit brings the power to elevate your physical and mental health’. When you speak to you child try to help them reframe their experiences with specific rather a general question. Instead of, 'How was your day?' try, 'What did someone do to make you happy today?' 'What did you learn to do today that you couldn't do yesterday?',” she adds.
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