They give you your roots and along with it a pair of wings to fly. Right from childhood, one's family provides the perfect support system - your values, confidence and personality are all built thanks to their support.
Later on in life, that family extends, with a spouse and children coming into the picture.
But along with the support, does your family also burden you with too many expectations and demands? After letting you soar just a bit, do they hold you back when you are beginning to gain height? In this month's live debate, Gulf News readers came to the newspaper's office to answer the question: is your family a catalyst or roadblock to personal success?
Join the debate by sending us an email at readers@gulfnews.com
Does keeping children with parents after they turn 18 stop them from becoming independent?
Aazmin Kantawala
In the Asian cultures, maybe 30 years ago, it was more prevalant to [not let children go]. Now, it is not. Technology brings you closer, so you are never really apart. Also, imposing values by elders is always acceptable only to a certain extent. It depends on how you take it. If your parents are regularly communicating with you, there is a give-and-take of ideas, which is better. I don't think it stops children from becoming independent, it really depends on the family. When they live together, you share ideas that doesn't really mean that your parents are stopping you — they may just be guiding you. May be parents tend to over-do it a bit at times, but it also depends on whether the child is able to explain the situation [to his or her parents].
Shagun Chawla
We are shaped by the society around us, the people we interact with. Even our identity is a part of how we interact with people. Our family does play a very important role. I really don't think that staying at home stops you from becoming independent, because, what does independent mean? I left home last year [to study in London] and living by myself has really changed me, because I have realised that I don't have a fall-back pattern. Obviously, I can pick up the phone and call my parents anytime. But if I am running a fever or am in pain, I don't have the comfort that my mother provides me – she can't come and hug me, and give me medicines and stay with me. For that I need friends, and need to form strong relationships with them. If I am not an extrovert then, again, it would teach me a lot — how do I deal with the situation myself? So that's the kind of independence I've learned. Even the small things like going to the bank, setting up your own account, time management, organising things, these are things that you learn a lot more when you are alone. But it also depends on the individual — you can reach independence even if you are staying with your parents. It all depends on you and how [your parents] push you. Living with your family doesn't mean that you are [always] stuck in one environment. A lot of people have jobs and are financially independent.
Alan Gall
The first thing I would say from a Western perspective is that it is not so much the parents who force the children to leave. It is more that the children decide when to leave – it could be [when they are] 18 or 20 or 30. It is not obligatory, although it is common. Having a support to fall back on is always a good thing. But, not having that support is going to make you [find] the person you are. Most definitely, only when you have experiences of 'bad things' or the less pleasant things and you can overcome the hurdles is when you learn and grow. So, if you have a fever and your mum brings you soup and hugs you, it is lovely. But the truth is that cannot be permanent. There comes a point when you'll have to make your own soup. But [maintaining] a connection [with your family] is always important. I've been away from home since I was 18 and now I am 38, I still speak to my parents and ask my dad's advice before I make any major decision. So, whether or not I'm physically there, I still require their input and influence. Some [wrongly] think that people who are independent are alone.
Aazmin Kantawala
I just want to add here that independence does not mean that you turn 18 and you become independent. It starts right from childhood and depends on how you are being brought up. Today, people have changed their viewpoint. It is more apparent now in Asian cultures, too, most of them are allowing their children to leave. But that does not mean that people are breaking the connection with their parents. In fact they are now able to take better care.
Living life according to your family's expectations means not living it to the fullest.
Alan Gall
If you are obligated to stay with your parents, and take care of them, then that is different. But if I look at my example – my father is 75 years old and my son is five years old and I would really like them to know each other. So, I'm thinking that may be I should go back to Scotland so that my children can be with my father. It is not because I feel obligated to him, but because I think my children would have a more well-rounded approach. And yes, you have to give up things in life, but it is almost like giving up sugary sweets or cigarettes – you've got to choose what's important to you and what's not. I don't think life will ever be the perfect balance between family, work and friends. And this is really what independence is – it forces you to choose between the options that you've got. When you are independent it is you who is making the decision.
Aazmin Kantawala
I think here the question of practicality and emotional quotient arises. You 'might' want to do it, but you can't do it because of practical reasons. But in this age, I am so glad that we have everything to stay connected. In that way we are supporting [our parents], and they do expect as much and if you aren't able to do that, then it is your loss.
Shagun Chawla
It is also a very cultural thing. In Asian cultures you are obligated to take care of your parents. Most parents think that their sons are going to take care of them when they are older and they don't need to look at investments and savings. Whereas in Western cultures, it is acceptable to send the older generation to old-age homes. But what do you want to do – is there going to be a feeling of guilt if you don't take care of your parents?
Have the demands of today's corporate world deteriorated the quality of family life?
Alan Gall
Frankly, it is just incorrect the amount of time people are expected to work in this market. I consciously don't live [at a breakneck pace]. I know it makes it difficult and may damage my career. But it would not be nearly as important to me as spending time with my family. Doing that becomes an exceptionally difficult situation, because we are obligated to work the amount of hours which is required - not obligated by the office, but simply by the amount of work that needs to be done. The fact is that the economy has just grown so fast, we end up working a lot more.
Shagun Chawla
Today's life is fast-changing and dynamic, but people are also becoming more materialistic. So you can't just put the blame on the corporate world that they are demanding [employees to do] a lot of work. People want to be successful, want good salaries, bigger bungalows and to send their children abroad for education – it all takes money. The more you work hard, you climb the corporate ladder quickly the more you are able to afford all these luxuries of life. Family life has definitely changed, and the family culture has also changed to a certain extent. But I don't think familial bonds have become weaker.
Aazmin Kantawala
It all boils down to your family. My sister and brother-in-law are constantly at work, but on the weekends, they completely switch off as that time is for their daughter. There are many parents who can say, “I am working, I don't have the time for you.” It just depends on the individual families. The corporate culture has become more demanding, and to a certain extent it does affect your family. But like I said you need to switch off. If you don't, you won't have a family left!
Alan Gall
It depends on how you look at it. The advice that my father gave me was, I don't care what you do, [even] if you are a bus driver, as long as you are a good bus driver. That's all he said. But I think if I had to choose between my children and family and [a good job offer], that can block your career.
So, if you give up a good international job offer to make sure you don't uproot your family, does that leave your family feeling guilty?
Alan Gall
It's like going to the cinema, everyone would want to see a different film. You will just never make everyone happy, all the time. The question is - what stops you from [taking such an offer]? It is perfectly reasonable to say I won't go to another country because that is a long way away, and it is difficult to travel. But if you say I won't go to Abu Dhabi because it would be 'awkward' and I won't be able to drop my children to school every day - to some people that might be important. So, it is really down to the family and what is important to them. Personally, I would never do it. I am from Scotland, and I got my son golf clubs for Christmas and I want to see him play it in the garden, I want to see him play his first game. Can you imagine if I missed all of that?
Shagun Chawla
That's tricky. I guess it all boils down to [this] – what is important to you? Is it the smile on your child's face or a big promotion at work?
CONCLUSION
- Independence does not mean that people cut ties from their families.
- Parents need to allow children to grow on their own and give them the right to choose their futures.
- There is always a trade-off between personal success and the family's happiness.
- While today's fast-paced life has affected family culture, it has not weakened familial bonds.
