Thank you so much for the invitation to your party. It went to my spam folder, but I fished it out. I would love to RSVP, I just need to wait for Abby to see if she can dog-sit that weekend. She can let me know about the dog sitting when she hears back about a job she just applied for in Cincinnati. I will let you know!
Ugh, so: Abby checked with Delia, the hiring manager, but Delia’s parrot is sick, so her mind feels too clouded right now to make serious decisions. I’m so sorry I can’t get back to you yet. Delia says she’s taking the parrot to the vet, and once she has more information, she can let Abby know. And then I’ll let you know!
Great news! The vet said the parrot would heal in about three weeks! Or maybe the parrot said it would heal in three weeks — or maybe the vet said it and then the parrot said it? I should get all the details so I can give you a more accurate account. Anyway, Delia’s ready to decline Abby’s application, so I think she can dog-sit. Pretty soon, I will be able to let you know!
Oh no, apparently I have a cyst above my tooth, and my dentist says I need it removed ASAP or at some point in the next seven to 12 years. I’ll let you know what she says, and also I’ll let you know if my general health declines, which I expect it to. I guess I could let you know if my health improves, but who keeps their friends posted on good news? That’s for my Facebook page only. Let me know what you think of my Facebook, and I’ll let you know what I think about that!
So I got to my dentist on time, but now I’m waiting on a mattress delivery. It’s not for me, it’s for my friend, but I need to be there for emotional support. You know how stressful moving is. Remember the time I moved and told you about how stressful it was? And I don’t want to come more than seven minutes late to your party. That would be so rude. I’ll ask the movers if they think the mattress will be here soon, and I’ll let you know.
I tried to call the movers to ask when the mattress would be delivered, but then my phone died. I need to find an outlet now (I’m texting you from a phone I borrowed from a lady on the street). I’ll let you know when I find an outlet! Well, I’ll let you know about five minutes after I find an outlet because first I’ll need to check all of Ariana Grande’s social media. And I’ll let you know how she’s doing! And how I’m doing. I’ll definitely let you know that.
On my way! Oops, sorry, that was autocorrect. I typed out “omw” but I was trying to phonetically sound out the pain in my tooth. I am not on my way!
So I finally got to an outlet. The great news is that in the time it took me to find an outlet, the mattress was delivered! Unfortunately, I wasn’t there to help my friend, and I couldn’t even let her know, because my phone was dead. I’m a horrible person. If I blow someone off, I should at least let them know. But I’m ready to come to your party! I just called an Uber. I’ll send you the name and license plate of the driver. Also, then you’ll have my ETA so you can pass that information along to everyone else. And when I find out how many minutes away the Uber is, I’ll let you know!
Actually, I’m not feeling great. I think I have to bail.
Ginny Hogan is an LA-based writer, stand up comic and columnist