She’s dancing on tables until the small hours, you’re flat out by 9pm. She’s rocking skinnies, you’re just happy if your onesie fits around your waist. You were once joined at the hip, but since the arrival of your bambino, she sees you as boring, distracted, unavailable and unfocused. Meanwhile, you view her as self-centred, thoughtless and unsympathetic to the trials and tribulations of having a baby and new parenthood.
Simply put, there are few bigger friendship hurdles than when one party has a baby and the other doesn’t. Your once-mutual interests have changed (did we mention breast pumps?), and the time and energy you used to have for hitting the town is now reserved for your baby – or your bed.
“As with any kind of change in a friendship, sometimes distance is created because of a third party – in this case a new baby,” explains Maria V Chatila, family and relationship coach at BPA Coach (bpacoach.com). “It’s not because two people no longer like each other, it’s just that becoming a parent causes a big shift in the dynamic between friends.”
Rawan Albina, life coach at Leap Life Coach (leaplifecoach.com), agrees. “Time that used to be spent with friends is now devoted to the baby,” she says. “Friends can often be supportive, but some, especially those who are yet to have children, don’t understand the pressures. This, coupled with the burdens new mums face, can put strain on relationships.”
WHY WASN’T I INVITED?
This was certainly the case for mum-of-one Kirsty Finglass*. “I’ll never forget how strained one of my friendships became after the birth of my son,” she recalls. “He was about a month old and I went out to meet a friend for coffee, which was a major exercise – think diaper bags, blankets and pacifiers. When I turned up I was exhausted and stressed out but, instead of commending me on my Herculean effort to make it out the door, she seemed irked that I’d brought the baby and then proceeded to get annoyed with me because I wasn’t able to devote all my energy into the conversation and was distracted by my baby.”
Kirsty’s experience is not uncommon, says Maria. “Becoming a parent makes you realise that this little person relies on you for the smallest and greatest things in life. Your priorities and interests shift. If your friends don’t have children, the novelty of a buddy with a baby can wear off rather quickly. For example, nights out with the girls often become difficult due to the new obligations of being a parent.”
But there are two sides to every story and we can’t blame it all on the non-child brigade. After all, surveys show that many people these days consider their friends as their new family (or ‘framily’), so it’s little wonder that people feel sidelined when a three-kilogram squawker takes their place in the pecking order.
According to one childless-by-choice blogger (girlaboutdubai.wordpress.com), as soon as any of her friends make the inevitable pregnancy announcements, she braces herself for friendship freefall. “I’m happy for them of course, but there’s always an underlying pang of selfish woe that, for the best part of a year, their lives will be consumed by a growing bump. Then once the baby is born lock-down continues while breastfeeding ensues, permanently tying them to their babies and prohibiting the possibility that anyone else might be able to give them a break.
They say ‘it’s the best thing we’ve ever done’, but they’re covered in baby vomit and claim not to have slept for a week. What part of that scenario is brilliant?” It’s a valid point. Watching a highly articulate and bang-on-trend BFF morph into an exhausted and love-blind mother who forces others to ‘speak to baby’ on the phone can be unnerving and difficult to comprehend. But what’s the alternative? Should childless chums say sayonara to their parent pals? Not necessarily.
According to Maria, a bit of compromise and understanding (on both sides) goes a long way. “Becoming a mother feels a lot like swimming without floaters for the first time,” she explains. “New mums are often preoccupied and due to this, friends feel reticent about getting in touch because they don’t want to wake the baby or disturb the mum when she’s resting. As a result, gal pals don’t call. Meanwhile, over at the other camp, the new mum may not realise how much time has passed. Then, when she does realise, she feels forgotten about – and vice versa.”
SAFEGUARD YOUR FRIENDSHIPS
In order to avoid the demise of your friendship, Maria recommends laying your cards on the table. “If you’re a new mum there are a few simple things you can do to avoid a misunderstanding where both parties feel relegated,” she explains. “For example, let your friends know that you are trying to balance a new role and it might be down to them to take the initiative when it comes to getting in touch.
Decide together how long they should wait before contacting you after the birth. At the same time, if it’s an option, get support with the baby a few times a month so you have a bit of free time to reconnect with your friends.” It’s a strategy that worked for mother-of-one Clare Flude. “I found it hard to chat on the phone in the early days as my son was either sleeping or feeding. So in order to keep in touch with friends, we took to text chat.
I also let them know that between 5pm and 7pm I was going to be flat out with dinner, bath, bottle and bedtime, so it was unlikely I could answer during that time. Because they knew the score no one took it personally if I was out of touch for a while.” On the flip side, childless buddies can also do their bit to keep the flames of friendship burning.
“If you don’t hear from her for a while, don’t assume she doesn’t have time for you,” warns Maria. “Keep in touch, even if it’s only over the phone. You can also ease matters by creating a schedule that works for her. You are childless and may have more time and less to juggle. So be flexible when it comes to meeting up.”
Clare agrees. “For the first six weeks I didn’t want to leave the house much. So instead every Saturday afternoon I invited friends round for tea and cake. That way I got a chance to catch up, nobody felt forgotten about and I didn’t feel the stress of carting a baby across town.” For Kirsty, it took her friend jumping on the baby bandwagon to finally even the score. “Our friendship fizzled out after I had my son and I made new friends with fellow mums who understood my situation,” she recalls.
“But a couple of years down the line when my old friend found herself navigating the minefield of motherhood, she altered her perspective and apologised for being so selfish. That really helped to heal the wounds.” Of course, not all friendships are built to make the transition to parenthood, but Maria advises treading carefully when deciding the fate of relationships.
“Before ending any friendships, try to communicate your feelings,” she says. “Discuss how the changes have impacted on your relationship and what can be done to remedy the situation. But whichever side of the fence you’re sitting on, be open to hear your friend’s side of the story. If your friendship is special it will survive any new developments.” Including the arrival of a little cherub.
Charlotte Van Den Broucque and Michelle Robertson have been friends for four years. Charlotte (childless by choice) is godmother to Michelle’s son Leo
Charlotte says…
“I was at my friend’s house the other day when her other friend called to say she couldn’t make it over because she’d ‘lost her mucous plug’. I have no idea what that is, but I was still horrified. A similar thing happened at a baby shower where, during a so-called game, we were asked to shout out baby-related words beginning with letters pulled out of a hat. ‘H is for haemorrhoids’, yelled one mum-to-be. Er, what? It’s not only these little titbits of over-shared information that concern me, it’s that it feels like the end of an era. Gone are the days when we get home at goodness knows when. It’s hard to accept that you’ve lost your friend to family life and it could be a long time before you get them back.”
Michelle says…
“This month my son Leo turns one. Before he came along I assumed I’d be the type of person who wouldn’t let my baby change my life. I was wrong. Our friends who haven’t got kids do their best to empathise and are always kind about the fact that we now take ages to reply to text messages, usually turn up late and more than likely leave early. The bonus about having childless friends is that when we do go out they are often more than happy to entertain my little boy while I attempt to eat and make up for the meals I missed during the week. Despite the fact that there are far fewer late nights on the town or lazy lie-ins, Leo more than makes up for it and I wouldn’t change it for the world.”
*names changed to protect identity
