Her mood shaped by years of disapproval, coloured her perception of even a positive event.
Vansa Shah (name changed on request), a Dubai-based media professional and freelancer always wished for her father’s approval and appreciation. Yet, he as always rather critical and dismissive of her academic and later career choices, she remembers. He worried that she would turn out ‘just ordinary’. However, when someone respected by her father praised her work, he congratulated Shah immediately. Ironically, it should have made her happy. Yet, it still stung. “I could just remember the years of disappointment and dismissiveness. I was hurt that he only praised me when someone else did,” she recalls.
It was the initial knee-jerk reaction. Gradually, Shah tried to perceive her relationship with her father differently: The sting from the resentful childhood memories where he had expressed disappointment, ebbed. She learned to look at the happier recollections and finally come to an understanding: In his later years, he had grown more effusive with his pride for her. “It doesn’t change my childhood, but it did help me see things a little differently. It is a bit of a long process,” she accepts.
Like Shah, many of us know too well how our mood can cast a shadow over positive events, trapping us in a negativity rut.
‘Moods are a mental filter and memories are a survival mechanism’
Mood acts like a mental filter, colouring your thoughts and actions over time. As for memories, they serve a vital purpose beyond simply recalling past events, explains Rico Idris, a Dubai-based psychologist. “The primary function is not to remember for the sake of remembering, but to help us navigate the future so that we can control, predict, and anticipate. Obviously, this is also a crucial survival mechanism,” he says.
Understanding memory bias: Why negative memories stand out
Owing to this perception of memory as a survival mechanism, we are highly attuned to pain, physical and emotional, explains Idris. “They have a more profound impact on us than positive experiences, and this ‘bias’ exists because harmful events often carry critical survival information and are encoded more strongly in greater detail,” he says. In other words, negative experiences are often accompanied by stronger emotions, which can make them harder to forget.
We are highly attuned to pain, physical and emotional. They have a more profound impact on us than positive experiences, and this ‘bias’ exists because harmful events often carry critical survival information and are encoded more strongly in greater detail...
Memory, therefore, is fundamentally about preparing for the future, a process we can refer to as learning. “Yet, what we remember is not exactly the objective facts. It is our selection of the near infinite facts of that situation and our interpretation,” he says.
How do your moods connect to memory?
Sometimes, you just feel as if your mood is stuck on repeat. As Srijitha Das, a Dubai-based psychologist explains, “Unlike fleeting emotions triggered by specific events, your mood can linger, casting a positive or negative light on your experiences.” Moreover, this filter also influences how you remember the past and what memories come to mind, she explains.
This is reflected in a recent US-based 2023 review and research published in the journal Biological Psychology. Feeling angry? The offhand comment from a colleague suddenly feels like a personal attack, further fueling your frustration. As the research shows, your mood warps perception, compelling you to feel resentful and hurt all that time. This is referred to as ‘mood-congruent memories’, where your brain pulls up past experiences that match your current mood. If you feel angry, you will recall instances where you felt treated unfairly, reinforcing your negativity. This cycle can make you feel stuck in a never-ending loop of anger and hurt.
Das provides several examples of your mood-congruent memories in action. You have a big presentation coming up at work. You're feeling stressed and on edge. Every little noise in the office seems amplified, and you keep replaying past mistakes you've made during presentations, increasing your anxiety.
On the flipside, another example could be: You just received a promotion at work. You're feeling optimistic and excited. As you walk down the street, you notice flowers, smiling faces, and friendly greetings from neighbours. You might even recall past successes and happy memories, further fueling your positive mood.
The truth is, your mood tints everything you see, like lens in a pair of sunglasses. It influences how you interpret the world and even what memories you recall. Das points out, “It doesn't mean your memories are completely fabricated. The events actually happened, but your current mood influences how you access and interpret them. So, by consciously trying to see things in a more balanced light and focusing on positive memories, we can break free from the cycle.”
How do we shape our negative memories and change our outlook?
Your brain really need not be stuck on a morose record. Memories aren't set in stone and neither are the moods associated with them. New information can update them, and they can even be reshaped to improve our mood and promote healing, explains Das.
Idris explains, “In reshaping negative memories, we need to transform our interpretations of past experiences, but it can’t just be any transformation that we choose. We have to be able to believe it as well, that is essential. Ideally, it is positive realism that we should be aiming for,” he says.
This reshaping will alleviate emotional distress and empower people to move forward with a healthier and more constructive outlook on life. It takes time and effort, depending on how strongly and deeply the interpretations and experiences are rooted.
In order to believe in a positive and realistic interpretation, you might have to work through some negative experiences and build confidence by practising confronting and overcoming dangerous and challenging things, adds Idris. “A person who has survived something terrible might work to shift their focus from persistent fear, ‘life is full of dangers’, which is definitely true on some level, to recognising that, ‘Okay, life is indeed full of dangers, yet I am a survivor and I can and will overcome the dangers that are on my path’,” he explains.
Das lists down how you can change your outlook:
• Identify the memory: Once you recognise a negative mood pattern, pinpoint the specific memory that's fueling it.
• Revisit and reframe: Don't shy away from the memory. Instead, revisit it intentionally. Try to see it from a different perspective. Ask yourself: What was the context then? Perhaps the situation wasn't as bad as you originally perceived. What have you learned since? Your experiences and maturity may offer a new understanding.
• Can you detach from the emotional charge? Try viewing it objectively.
• Focus on positive memories: Actively recall positive memories that contradict the negative one. This helps shift your emotional state and create a more balanced perspective.
• Challenge negative thoughts: Often, negative memories come with negative self-talk. Challenge these thoughts. Are they truly accurate or helpful?
Dubai-based Sonakshi Ruhela, a clinical psychologist, explains the process of challenging negative thoughts. “You must identify the source of negativity. The little voices in our heads are completely natural, however, are you able to manage them or are they paralysing you? So it’s essential to explore which areas of your life you often think negatively about. Is it work, a relationship, health, or the future? Where the negative spiral of thoughts coming from and what is the source of your worry? Do you observe any pattern in your thoughts? Once you figure that out, become conscious of your tendency and notice your thoughts at every step,” she says.
Recognise the negative thought distortions and upsetting memory recollections
Inaccurate thoughts can fuel negative thinking, making it hard to escape. Here are some common culprits:
Black-and-white thinking: You see things as all good or all bad, missing the shades of grey in between. This can make any setback feel like a total failure.
Playing the blame game: You take the fall for everything, even situations beyond your control. It's a recipe for low self-esteem.
Negativity filter: You only capture the bad parts of a situation. This distorts reality and makes it hard to see the good.
Jumping to catastrophes: Your mind races to the worst possible outcome, turning minor problems into major disasters.
As research and psychologists show, memory is fallible. Memories, and the moods they evoke, can be reshaped. By understanding how memory works, you can rewrite the narrative and break free from negative loops.
