Ah, the eternal conundrum of understanding who exactly is a good-hearted person. Who really means well, and who’s just playing a part? Is it the person who openly showers us and others with affection, or the one whose generosity speaks for itself? Or could it be someone who seems distant, but quietly shows their care through meaningful, heartfelt actions? Perhaps it's a mix of both. Yet, here's the catch — it’s all incredibly subjective. The person you see as kind and good-hearted might have just unintentionally hurt someone else.
So, now what? Truly, life would be a lot simpler with a lot less heartbreak, if people just came with cardboard signs, as Franzi Buchetmann, a German expat and Dubai-based freelancer gloomily adds. Yet she resonates with Bob Marley’s wisdom: “The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
Now, who are these good-hearted people worth the risk?
Trying to define goodness
The psychologists shed light on this complex term. Bisi Lanayan, a clinical psychologist based at Sage Clinics, Dubai, elaborates, “It’s subjective, shaped by cultural, societal, and familial standards. What one person views as a good-hearted gesture might differ greatly for another.” The traits commonly associated with good-heartedness include empathy, compassion, and pro-social behaviour for the greater good — actions intended to benefit others.
The concept of good-heartedness subjective, shaped by cultural, societal, and familial standards. What one person views as a good-hearted gesture might differ greatly for another.” The traits commonly associated with good-heartedness include empathy, compassion, and pro-social behaviour for the greater good — actions intended to benefit others....
Hopalang Matee, a clinical psychologist at LightHouse Arabia, Dubai, explains further, “Being good-hearted generally refers to the tendency to act kindly, generously, and compassionately toward others. It can be understood within the context of altruism, which involves behaviour motivated by concern for the well-being of others, even at a personal cost. While altruism and good-heartedness may appear synonymous, good-heartedness implies an enduring character trait that reflects habitual kindness and empathy, rather than just isolated acts of generosity.”
Influence of childhood and family
Sometimes, you just want to be a better person by watching others.
Abu Dhabi-based Kopal Sinha, a homemaker was always awed by her mother’s gentleness and care, even in the harshest of circumstances, ranging from financial upheavals, and personal betrayals. Sinha recalls, “It didn’t make her angry, bitter or resentful. She just kept looking for solutions, while taking care of us. She didn’t let anger corrode her being, and neither was she openly distrustful. Just quietly wary, but helping people, in any capacity that she could. She didn’t believe in just stewing in misery; neither did she let us whine. And, we grew up watching and learning from her.” Adding that it is always a compliment, whenever she is compared to her mother.
She didn’t have to look far for reasons why her mother was the way she was: Her grandmother was just the same.
Learning through social observation
Sinha’s story highlights how children absorb values and behaviours from those they look up to. As Lanayan adds, a child’s early interactions with parents set the stage for emotional development. A secure attachment, characterised by a responsive and caring environment, often builds empathy and emotional regulation. “This contributes to a tendency to care for others later in life,” she explains. And so, children who are raised in such environments where kindness is modelled and encouraged, are more likely to adopt these behaviours themselves. Moreover, people who experience hardship may develop a heightened sensitivity to others' suffering. Of course, this effect of adversity on such people varies: Some may become more empathetic. Others might become hardened and expect the world around them to be the same.
Building on this, Matee adds that our behaviour is influenced not only by direct experiences, but also by what we observe in others. We can also learn vicariously through others. Experiences of good-heartedness, whether demonstrated or witnessed, can be internalised and later expressed by the person in various forms.
Conflict between moral duty and social pressure
While learning through observation is one aspect of compassionate behavior, Matee explains that the motivations behind good-hearted actions can be complex. Kindness isn’t always purely altruistic. “Social approval can be a powerful motivator for good-hearted behaviour, as people may act kindly to preserve their reputation or be viewed positively by others. Additionally, cultural, or familial values may instill a strong sense of moral duty,” she says.
Moreover, being good-hearted isn’t always connected to helping others, she says. “It can sometimes be motivated by unconscious unknown impulses. For example, people-pleasing tendencies in order to gain validation from others. This kind of behaviour may in turn result in someone being helped, even though the motivation behind the behaviour is rooted in something different.”
However, it’s complicated, especially when values, and even friendships come in conflict with moral duty. What do you do then? For instance, Anna Julian (name changed on request), a retired Dubai-based professor recalls a particularly unpleasant experience in her daughter’s career. Her daughter tried to cover up for her friend after she had made a terrible mistake, unfortunately both were found out and had to face disastrous consequences, including losing a chance of promotion. “My daughter really wanted to be a good friend, and maybe thought by doing this, she could gain her friend’s approval, but unfortunately, everything just went to pieces,” she says. She gained the trust and respect of her friends, but lost the support of her seniors and colleagues.
As the psychologists explain, our perceptions are often clouded by implicit biases and stereotypes. Our behaviours and interpretations are influenced by personal experiences and cultural norms, shaping how we see and respond to others.
The complexity of being good-hearted
With this sentiment in mind, Anahita Parekh, a Dubai-based researcher recalls a certain friend of hers. “I’ll be honest, she was so good to me, and was there for me in the most difficult financial times of my life. She was truly caring and we had so much in common. Unfortunately, she seemed to have made an enemy of everyone else, and they used to keep warning me about her,” reveals Parekh. Others had only negative things to say about Parekh’s friend: Flighty, flaky, a person who could backstab whenever she could.
Feeling rather guilty, Parekh admits that she was rather torn. The seeds of doubt were planted in her mind, even though her friend had never wronged her. However, wary after everyone else’s advice, Parekh distanced herself from her, feeling more confused than ever. “I don’t know if I made the right decision at all. I feel horrible for distancing myself, but I don’t think that I can repair that damage, now. But I’ll just say, she was good-hearted to me, and I stand by that.”
Undoubtedly, trying to decide who really is a good-hearted person, can be a messy experience. The answers are never easy; the writing isn't on the wall.
As Lanayan explains, good-heartedness shouldn’t be considered as absolute. “Like various traits, being good-hearted can exist on a spectrum. So, if a person causes harm - especially unintentionally — it doesn't necessarily negate their being good-hearted,” she says. People who have caused harm can still be considered good-hearted if their actions were unintentional, or if they acknowledge their mistakes and work towards change.
Good-heartedness and human imperfection
It's important to recognise that human beings are inherently fallible, and even the most good-hearted person may act harmfully at times, explains Lanayan. The key to reconciling being good-hearted with human error lies in the individual’s capacity for self-reflection, remorse, and personal growth. “When a person causes harm, they often experience cognitive dissonance — a psychological state where their actions conflict with their moral values. To reduce this dissonance, people may engage in reparative actions, such as apologising or making amends, which can restore their sense of being good-hearted,” she says.
Matee, elaborates further on this particular complexity of human behaviour, “Our upbringing, environments, life experiences and interpersonal relationships have a big impact on our reactions and behaviours. These factors influence our perception and view of the world. Depending on what kind of exposure a person has received, they could do something or behave in a manner that they are not aware, is harmful to themselves or others.” She also emphasises: It’s important to differentiate between the term ‘good-hearted’ and intent. For example, if a person has not been exposed to different perspectives, been taught different tools of communication, they may say something that offends others.
As the psychologists add, good-heartedness is also tied to the twisted intricacies of human communication and perception. A person can have the best intentions, but if their actions end up hurting someone else, it’s only natural for that person to form a skewed perception of them.
Sometimes, you just need to take a call for yourself, too. Step back from the noise and evaluate your own evidence, before making a decision.
Can good-heartedness be learned or developed over time?
Yes, it can, maintain the psychologists. It can be developed through strategies that encourage self-awareness and emotional regulation — both crucial for cultivating empathy and kindness. “Reflecting on your own actions and biases can help to further develop good-hearted characteristics. It is not about perfection, but about striving to be kind and compassionate, even in the face of human imperfection,” explains Lanayan.
Most behaviours can be learnt or developed over time. Being good hearted is one of them. One of the ways to learn is through repetitive and consistent practice. The more you practise something, the more it becomes solidified within you. Another strategy would be to take every opportunity presented to you and taking initiative
Matee adds, “Most behaviours can be learnt or developed over time. Being good hearted is one of them. One of the ways to learn is through repetitive and consistent practice. The more you practise something, the more it becomes solidified within you. Another strategy would be to take every opportunity presented to you and taking initiative.”
Nevertheless, good-heartedness is a complex, evolving trait that cannot be pinned down to a single definition or set of actions. Whether shaped by upbringing, social pressures, or personal experiences, it remains a blend of intention, action, and reflection.
