Helping hands or hidden claws?
Forget the fairytale, kindness wielded as a weapon becomes a tool for control. Dubai-based British expat Stacey Shirley, a corporate communications manager, remembers an employee, who would work overtime, even if she didn’t need to. She helped everyone with their deadlines, and completed their tasks too, when they weren’t at work. On the surface, she seemed very noble, and reliable… till she started reminding people that she was noble and reliable. “So, I would often hear her saying, ‘But I helped you with your work when you weren’t here, the least you can do is…’ and she would guilt someone into doing her tasks, because she would want to escape early for the day owing to a prior commitment,” recalls Shirley.
This "sweetened attack", as Canadian psychologist Ceri Gordon terms it, can be conscious or unconscious. The initial good deed feels rewarding, but a dangerous shift occurs when kindness becomes a tally sheet of "owed" favours. The gestures are no longer motivated by just care and generosity, but rather means to an end. It becomes a tit-for-tat mentality. As Nusrat Khan, a Dubai-based psychologist explains, "It is self-serving, and selfish, as compared to kindness, which is genuine and is offered without expectations." Such acts have rather profound effects on a person: It creates confusion and a sense of dependency, creating a victim-perpetrator dynamic. "It's a sophisticated way of manipulation," she adds.
‘Guilt is a dangerous emotion’
There are several complicated reasons why people choose to weaponise kindness in their relationships, as psychologists explain. It stems from deep insecurity and a fractured self-esteem, explains Hayley Shawn, a Dubai-based clinical psychologist.They don’t feel loved and appreciated enough, and it doesn’t matter how much others do: It won’t be enough for them. So, such people tend to go all out with their favours. They will walk your dog when you are ill, wash the dishes, water your plants, and then remind you that they did, when they need it the most. This induces a cycle of guilt and anxiety in others - and it’s almost difficult to spot in the beginning, especially for people who don’t set strong boundaries, she says.
Kindness is genuine, selfless and honest. It is offered without expectations. On the other hand, weaponised kindness is self-serving and selfish, and creates confusion in a person. It's a rather sophisticated form of manipulation...
Guilt is a rather dangerous emotion, and one of the more core tools of manipulation. It clouds our decision-making abilities, and so we take decisions that we normally wouldn’t, explains Shawn. It also induces feelings of severe discomfort, unease in a person. They know they’re being manipulated, well, most of the time, and yet, they feel more angered by the fact that they cannot fight it. And, the other person who plays martyr, continues to exploit the person’s guilty emotions to get what they want. It’s this guilt that causes a person to conform and bend to someone’s will, as Khan and Shawn explain.
“So, they keep trying to meet the manipulator’s needs. In the end, what you have is a relationship fraught with tension-filled obligations,” says Shawn.
Martyrdom and self-victimisation
The psychologists also note that weaponised kindness isn’t always done with the intent to be emotionally abusive. People do like performing touching gestures for others, with the hope that their efforts will be recognised and appreciated. From their vantage point, they believe that they are acting out of love and concern, which is not being reciprocated. And slowly, they start harbouring a slight saviour complex too, according to Shawn.. “They’ll sacrifice their needs for the other person, hoping for more validation, while keeping track of their goodwill.”
These thought processes lead to an influx of self-victimisation thoughts, as they start feeling more morally superior to others. They start cherishing the notion that their loves one don't care enough for them, so they must be reminded, explains Shawn. “They want their suffering to be rewarded and noticed. If it isn’t, they adopt an air of martyrdom, and over time they can’t leave this thought process aside. They won’t see the problems in themselves: Everyone else is the issue."
‘A false sense of control’
Another reason why people choose to weaponise kindness is because it gives them a sense of control, as Khan adds. It's a way of creating belonging, and commanding unquestionable loyalty. “They think they’re helping out someone, but in reality, they’re just keeping watch to see if the person returns the favour,” explains Gordon. Such people are always on guard: ‘I did this for you, and you can’t do this for me?’
It also gives them a false sense of control, explains Gordon and Khan. “By constantly 'helping', the person using this tactic can make the recipient feel dependent and indebted. This can be especially damaging in personal relationships or work environments,” she says. This is also commonly seen in workplaces: People will remind you of what they did for you once, to evade a current deadline or task.
The result? Broken relationships, trust issues, and a strong build-up of resentment and anger.
‘I lost sight of myself’
It’s the little things, mixed with big, grand gestures. The surprise birthday parties, the endless stream of gifts, and the soft, sweet words that confused Dubai-based Niranjana Hariharan, a marketing professional. It took her years to realise why a friendship that spanned a decade was riddled with so much guilt and exhaustion. After a lonely couple of years in school, her college friend seemed to redefine friendship for her: She planned trips with Hariharan, parties for her, protected her against anyone who hurt her, and took care of her when she was unwell.
Yet, there was always an added sting somewhere. There was always the threat of the friendship ending if these good deeds were not reciprocated. Hariharan remembers a particular instance that she still finds unbelievable. “She was very emphatic about her birthdays… and she would expect me to plan hers in the same grand way, the way she had done for me. She would get upset if something was slightly wrong. This is just one of the many things,” she recalls. Pressured and anxious, Hariharan overshot her budget once to plan for a birthday that she couldn’t even attend. “I was exhausted and unwell, but she was angry with me for not being able to come. As she reminded me, she had always done so much for me, and it hurt her that I didn’t do the same.”
The exhaustion burnt out Hariharan, and finally they parted ways. She is rather wary now, as she says. “That friendship gave me too many trust issues. Now I just feel awkward when someone does something for me. I feel as if I’m in their debt,” she says.
These trust issues are just one of the many consequences of weaponised kindness, as Khan says. "There's a breakdown of trust in the relationship, and a constant sense of vigilence." There's also a sense of endless guilt. These methods build resentment and anger. “The person can be trapped in constant feelings of obligations as they keep trying to reciprocate the acts of kindness towards the other person,” says Shawn. This manipulative nature of kindness erodes trust and makes it difficult to form actual connections.
How does one combat weaponised kindness?
As Shawn explains, kindness shouldn’t be just for special occasions or smoothening arguments and tiffs in a relationship. When touching gestures are used for just these purposes, it may seem as if everything is all right, yet, there are still unresolved issues lurking beneath the air of cordiality. So, make it the norm, as genuine acts of kindness create a cycle of reciprocity. “You’ll feel far happier and more fulfilled,” she says.
Secondly, stop keeping score. According to a 2010 research paper The debt of gratitude: Dissociating gratitude and indebtedness published in the US-based journal, Cognition and Emotion, expectations of “returning the favour” accompany a gift, feelings of indebtedness will grow, while gratitude will diminish. Your relationship turns transactional and acts of kindness turn into a form of negotiation. “So, engage in acts of kindness because you want to, rather than as a wait-and-watch game, because that just breeds distrust, tension and fractures the trust in a relationship,” says Shawn.
Nevertheless, the psychologists highlight a two-pronged approach when combating weaponised kindness. Fortifying yourself and navigating the manipulator's behaviour. Here are some strategies:
Fortifying yourself:
You need to have a sense of awareness, and reflect on the dynamics of your relationships, says Khan. Don't shy away from communicating openly and assertively, especially when you begin to feel something is off. The moment you notice there's a power imbalance, address it.
Recognise the signs: Be aware of the red flags, such as strings attached to 'helpfulness', the martyr complex, and passive-aggressive behaviour.
Set boundaries: Learn to say no politely but firmly. Don't feel obligated to reciprocate every favour, especially if it comes at your expense. Communicate your boundaries clearly and consistently.
Practice self-esteem: Cultivate a strong sense of self-worth. Believe in your abilities and don't let constant 'help' make you feel incapable.
Open communication: If someone's behaviour is bothering you, have an honest conversation about your expectations and needs.
Navigating the manipulator:
Don't fall for the guilt trip: Recognise guilt-tripping tactics and avoid succumbing to them. Focus on what's fair and reasonable, not on the supposed 'debt' you owe them.
Shift the focus: If someone tries to leverage past 'help' for favours, suggest starting fresh. Offer genuine help as needed, but without keeping score.
Limit exposure: If the behaviour is persistent and causing significant stress, consider limiting contact with the manipulator. This might mean delegating tasks at work or taking a break from a friend.
More From Friday-Wellbeing
How to conquer weekend fatigue
