Didn’t do laundry?
Didn’t feel like it.
Why didn’t you finish preparing for your presentation?
Didn’t feel like it.
These four words: A universal excuse that's both comforting and infuriating.
It’s a possible sign of disinterest, irritation and frustration. Dubai-based Natasha Khan, an entrepreneur, recalls how she often used the phrase, when she worked in a corporate company. “I hated it. So, I wouldn’t go to work, and would just stay in, because I felt like it,” she says, adding that she finally left the job.
On the other hand, those on the receiving end, find the phrase a bit of a mood-killer and just simple laziness. “I’ve had friends cancel lunch plans, because they just didn’t feel like it and without explanation. They wanted to just stay in,” adds Kirtana Kumar, an Abu Dhabi-based freelancer, revealing that the phrase frustrates her. “It’s just an easy way out of a conversation or task,” she says.
Yet, beneath its nonchalant facade lies complicated emotions, which ultimately sabotage productivity and signal problems with well-being. This phrase is heavy with more than its simplicity, explains Maryan Yaslem, a Dubai-based clinical psychologist at Aspris Wellbeing Centre. “Dig deeper, and you find it to be a gateway into deeply-rooted emotions and issues,” she says.
The phrase 'I don't feel like it' is heavy with more than its simplicity. Dig deeper, and you find it to be a gateway into deeply-rooted emotions and issues...
This statement could be packed with underlying reasons, including distress, lack of interest, fear overwhelming a lack of motivation, fear of rejection, and just a general sense of exhaustion.
‘Easier than being vulnerable’
Many people have a clawing fear that others might not want to hear what they say. So, they put up a shield with similar phrases.
This fear can stem from past experiences of rejection or being shut down when expressing emotions such as sadness, anxiety, or stress, according to Bisi Laniyan, a Dubai-based clinical psychologist at Sage Clinics. Fearing this rejection can lead many to build emotional walls. As a result, they opt for vague phrases like "I don't feel like it" rather than risking vulnerability. Being vulnerable can feel like a daunting task for many, especially if they haven't felt supported or understood when sharing their feelings, as she says. Sobia Nasim, consultant child and psychiatry at Medcare Camali Clinic, suggests, "It may be avoidance or an excuse for not facing our fears for example we may feel social anxiety when meeting new people and say 'I don’t feel like going to a party.' We may also say this to convince ourselves that we don’t like something we fear or avoid," she says.
Sometimes, people are afraid to open up and share their true feelings. This fear may stem from past experiences of rejection or being shut down when expressing emotions such as sadness, anxiety, or stress. Vulnerability can be challenging....
These feelings can also be deeply messy complicated emotions that might invite judgement, or so we believe. Sometimes, it requires detailed explanations that many people do not have the energy for at that given point. As Abu Dhabi-based Chandan Mitra, a videographer says, “I say it sometimes, when I don’t feel like telling people what’s really the reason why I don’t want to go out for lunch or a coffee. I would rather not get into the details with them about what’s really upsetting me, be it something from work or my personal life.”
‘A cover-up…’
When a person utters these words, they could be covering up several emotions for numerous reasons.
Audrey Katsidzira, a Dubai-based clinical psychologist, breaks it down. “Firstly, there could be failure to identify the underlying emotions. Secondly, there could be apathy, which is linked to depressive symptoms. The third would be a combination of both reasons. To clarify, if a person struggles to express their emotional needs, such a person would in turn not be able to identify emotions by naming them and meeting emotional needs in appropriate ways,” she says.
There could be failure to identify the underlying emotions. Secondly, there could be apathy, which is linked to depressive symptoms. The third would be a combination of both reasons.
These are also warning signs that the person is going through a depressive episode, as she says. They could come across as losing interest in things that they ordinarily would be interested in. “Such a person may also be self-isolating which under normal circumstances is an admirable way to self-care, however, during a depressive episode support systems seek to break the isolation that people may want to adopt as a coping mechanism,” she says.
This could also be ‘masking’, which is a form of a cover, as Katsdzira and Nasim suggest. It’s a form of cover, where expressing the mental and psychological torture that is being experienced harder along with trying to keep a brave face. As a result, people just cover it up by making dismissive statements.
‘Pay attention to the non-verbal cues…’
You can see what a person really means when they utter these words: Observe their body language, she says. “If we pay enough attention to postures, facial expressions and features, we may find a clearer understanding of the barriers people have to cross,” explains Yaslem, emphasising that these words should not be dismissed, as it is an opening to empathy and deeper connection.
In order to further connection and understanding with this phrase, you need a multi-faceted approach, she elaborates further. “By listening carefully to what is said and the nonverbal cues displayed, we can begin to read the underlying emotions driving the statement. Do they sound overwhelmed, anxious, or exhausted? Are outside stressors contributing to their reluctance? Empathy, too, plays a pivotal role in understanding their point of view. When we place ourselves in their shoes, considering their experiences and circumstances, we gain valuable insight into their motivations,” she adds.
Read between the lines, essentially. You need to be able to recognise when someone has underlying emotions beneath the surface, explains Katsidzira, explaining that emotions take place ‘in clusters’. “For example, someone could come across as irritable, but underlying that is anger. Another person would come across as sad, but under that is shame,” she says. As a result, these emotions are expressed through vague statements as a means to escape the obligation of clarifying. “Understanding a person’s motivations is about taking time out to recognise the emotional clusters,” says Katsidzira.
Dealing with people who use the phrase
Don’t dismiss them as lazy or a killjoy, immediately, for starters.
“Rather than dismissing their statement or pressuring them to comply, it's important to show empathy and understanding,” explains Yaslem. By validating their feelings, respecting their autonomy, it can create a safe space for communication. “Offering support, encouragement, and reassurance can empower them to address any obstacles they may be facing and make a more informed decision,” she says.
You can even try asking more open-ended questions, suggests Laniyan. “For example, you could ask, can you tell me more about how you’re feeling right now? If you know the person well, look out for patterns. Do they respond this way when triggered by a particular thing, in a specific environment, or in response to a specific person?”
Sometimes, the person might just not know why they feel this way. “Having the willingness to explore their emotional state or general well-being can be helpful. Simple encouragement like, ‘Let's figure out what's going on together’, can feel supportive for the person,” adds Laniyan.
If you find that you’re using the phrase ‘I don’t feel like it’ often, here are a couple of things to keep in mind, suggests Laniyan.
- What am I feeling? This is putting a name to the emotion.
- Why am I feeling like this? This helps identify the trigger.
- What is the emotion telling me? Emotions carry messages; they can be informative and instructive. Emotions tell us how we're feeling inside and what's happening around us, helping us respond more constructively and adaptively.
How can I respond? Has this emotion communicated a need that I can meet myself, or do I need the help or support of others?
These can help you find the words and broaden your vocabulary around emotional expression, and encourage you to think more deeply about your feelings, concludes Laniyan.
