Have you ever shut down a nagging feeling about a situation, like an emotionally exhausting relationship, silencing that inner voice with a chorus of ‘you're overreacting’ or ‘it's not that bad’. Yet, this internal dialogue isn't the encouragement that you truly need; the self-deception erodes your trust, leaving you adrift and questioning your own reality.
It's called gaslighting, a sinister manipulation tactic often rooted in the 1938 play Gas Light, where a husband subtly messes with his wife's mind, to the point of insanity. Yet, the truth is, gaslighting can be a one-person show too. We become our worst enemies, twisting our perceptions and setting fire to our own reality.
Taking the matchstick to ourselves
Take the example of Dubai-based Isla Brian (name changed on request), an American expat and aspiring author. In 2020, her relationship of seven years was culminating in an engagement that ordinarily should have been a cause of celebration. Yet, anxious thoughts persisted. She explains, “We were just not compatible. Despite this, I kept telling myself I had to see it through, that I was fortunate to have found someone."
While they constantly disagreed, she convinced herself these were normal couple squabbles. She dismissed her own doubts about their future as mere overreactions. Brian’s convictions wavered by the engagement, and finally, she decided to end the relationship. “I had been deceiving myself for years, that this was what I wanted. I kept trying to normalise the incompatibility,” she says.
The bottled emotions broke free, at long last, and she took several years to ‘find herself’ again. “I had to learn to trust myself, before anyone else,” adds Brian.
This chronic self-doubt leads to self-handicapping, increased stress and anxiety. This is quite often learned through experiences, where someone’s worthiness of love or approval is continually questioned...
This plaguing sense of self-doubt, as showed with Brian, doesn’t leave most of us. We know we aren’t happy: Yet we tell ourselves that we are at fault. We need to be better. And this chronic self-doubt, leads to poor decision-making. Cakil Agnew, Associate Professor of Psychology at Heriot-Watt University Dubai, explains it as, “It leads to self-handicapping, increased stress and anxiety. This is quite often learned through experiences, where someone’s worthiness of love or approval is continually questioned.”
A coping mechanism
Lying to ourselves isn’t the solution, clearly. Yet, why do we continue to do so? As the experts explain, it’s our brain’s knee-jerk reaction to pain. We prefer to not feel negative emotions; it’s easier than facing them.
Joseph El Khoury, chief of psychiatry and behavioural health at American Hospital Dubai, had earlier told Gulf News, “It is a coping mechanism. We do what we can to protect ourselves, be it in a healthy or an unhealthy way. You assume adults would be aware of their feelings – what we call emotional maturity – but that is not always the case.”
Self-gaslighting is a way of maintaining comfort, avoiding conflict and protecting our fractured self-esteem, adds Fiona Rees, a Dubai-based psychologist and British expat. “It hurts to face the reality. Sometimes, it requires us to admit faults, which upsets our own self-esteem further. It can allow us to shift blame, make excuses, and avoid feeling responsible for the negativity.” We prefer to downplay the problem, in the hope of minimising the overwhelming intense emotions. “We’ll try to maintain a sense of normalcy, even if it’s false.”
Needless to say, this can have harmful repercussions. By constantly silencing our intuition and downplaying our feelings, we lose faith in our own judgment. This can make it difficult to make good decisions in the future, adds Rees. The underlying issues of anxiety continues to simmer and by avoiding the truth, we delay taking action to amend the situation.
‘A deep-seated sense of inadequacy’
Why do we gaslight ourselves so much? A lot of it stems from upbringing, and formative early experiences.
People who were taught during their formative years that their perceptions were incorrect, invalidated, or repeatedly criticised and dismissed may grow to distrust their own judgement....
Quite often, this self-doubt is fueled in an environment where affection depended on achievements or specific behaviours, which instills the belief that worth must be proven, explains Agnew. Moreover, if caregivers generate doubt, instead of offering support, it leads to a deep-seated sense of inadequacy. Waleed Alomar, a psychiatrist at Medcare Sharjah adds to this, “People who were taught during their formative years that their perceptions were incorrect, invalidated, or repeatedly criticised and dismissed may grow to distrust their own judgement.”
Agnew elaborates, “Such experiences create a craving for affection and validation, hiding one's true self and reinforcing the cycle of self-doubt. These learned behaviours act as a defence mechanism, protecting people from potential failure or rejection, but also impeding their ability to make sound decisions and achieve their full potential.” This could result in the cycle of perfectionism, where people who have perfectionist tendencies could be self-critical all the time, fearing failure and setting unrealistic expectations for themselves.
This indicates the strong presence of the confirmation bias, explains Nikita Bhatnagar, a Dubai-based psychologist. "We tend to search for, favour, interpret, and recall information in a way that confirms our existing beliefs, and we ignore or discount information that goes against our beliefs. Not only do we focus more on negative experiences compared to positive ones, but we also interpret experiences in a way that puts us down and makes us feel bad about ourselves. We may excessively blame ourselves, shame ourselves, and take responsibility for things that are not our fault," she says. Bhatnagar adds, "If we feel that we are not good enough, then any abuse or mistreatment that we face may be interpreted as us being responsible for or deserving of the mistreatment, further reinforcing and strengthening our negative core beliefs."
Cynthia Edwards, an American marketing professional living in Abu Dhabi (name changed on request), recalls the pursuit of perfection turning self-destructive. Raised to believe anything short of excellence was a failure, Edwards internalised this pressure. "I equated a lack of praise with inadequacy," she explains. "I constantly told myself I needed to work harder, that my efforts weren't enough." This relentless self-criticism fueled a relentless work ethic. She pushed herself to breaking point, neglecting sleep and basic needs to achieve an impossible standard. The consequences were severe. Exhausted and overworked, a simple fall at an event led to hospitalisation for several days.
It has been a long journey since 2022 for Edwards, but she says she's doing better now, even though the struggle continues at times.
How do we overcome this tendency to self-gaslight?
As Vedrana Mladina, clinical psychologist, associate director of counseling at New York University, Abu Dhabi, explains, it’s healthy to have a healthy amount of self-doubts and be mildly critical of ourselves. However, when it goes over into self-deprecating and self-diminishing direction, that’s when the effect starts to be reversed.
It's healthy to have a healthy amount of self-doubts and be mildly critical of ourselves. However, when it goes over into self-deprecating and self-diminishing direction, that’s when the effect starts to be reversed...
Recognising the roots of self-doubt and beliefs behind self-gaslighting is the first step towards overcoming it. As Agnew says, “Identifying where these beliefs originate, surrounding yourself with supportive others who serve as your cheerleaders, changing negative self-talk by acknowledging achievements and skills, practising self-compassion and setting realistic goals to boost confidence, and prioritising personal growth can be listed as few strategies to counter these feelings and enhance our confidence in ourselves and our abilities.”
Bhatnagar adds to this, "People need to make conscious effort on a daily basis to challenge such thoughts and flawed interpretations of events, as well as working on developing balanced and more positive core beliefs. You can do this by examining evidence for thoughts and beliefs, and challenging the confirmation bias by paying attention to the evidence that both supports as well as goes against existing beliefs."
Here are a few tips to break free from the cycle of self-inflicted abuse, as Rees explains.
Recognise the signs:
• Inner critic: Notice that nagging voice telling you ‘you're overreacting’ or ‘it's not that bad.’
• Minimising feelings: You downplay your emotions and convince yourself things aren't a big deal.
• Shifting blame: You take responsibility for someone else's actions or behaviour.
• Making excuses: You justify unhealthy situations or downplay red flags.
Challenge your thoughts:
• Question the narrative: When that inner critic speaks, ask yourself ‘Is this true?’ ‘Is there another way to look at this?’
• Gather evidence: Look for proof that supports your initial concerns, not just justifications.
• Validate your feelings: Acknowledge your emotions as valid. It's okay to feel upset or unhappy.
• Remember, your perspective is just as valuable as anyone else's. Even when viewpoints differ, all sides deserve to be heard and understood.
• Trust your gut. No means no. Don't let others pressure you into feeling differently. You have the voice to say no, and the strength to follow through.
• The key is to keep learning and exploring. Dive into books and articles to understand the emotions. Don't underestimate the power of honest feedback, either. Sometimes, those we're not as close to can offer a fresh perspective, helping you see yourself more clearly.
With inputs from Sahar Ejaz, Special to Gulf News
