Disruptive, angry young child in your vicinity? You know the one, he’s the one who will tumble another kid’s preciously put together building blocks. Or the girl who will grab the doll of another and run. The question that usually accompanies his or her presence is, ‘why?’
When thinking about challenging behaviours, says Bene Katabua, Educational Psychologist at Intercare Health Center in Abu Dhabi, they generally serve at least one of four functions:
- Gaining attention. It can become a learned behaviour for children, knowing that they can gain attention through positive as well as negative behaviours. If this works for them, it is likely that you will see them using the same methods time and time again to gain attention.
- As a mode of escape. Sometimes children engage in difficult behaviours in order to escape or avoid certain situations or tasks. At times, the child may not have the skills to meet the demands placed on them or may even be anxious and respond in this way.
- For sensory stimulation. Children may show some difficult behaviours when they are overstimulated or under stimulated and therefore, are finding ways to regulate themselves and how they feel.
- For a reward. Children can easily learn what behaviours give them rewards - be it praise, toys, doing a preferred activity, etc.
“It's always helpful to keep this in mind if you're feeling stuck or overwhelmed by a demanding child,” she says.
"Especially in the younger years, some children do not learn to balance their needs with the needs of others, becoming very emotionally demanding and manipulative, and/or they show extremely materialistic tendencies. These children might demand constant attention and will not take “no” for an answer. They need to learn the importance of saying 'please' and 'thank you'. Also, they need to learn how to appropriately make requests, and parents need learn how to communicate efficiently," says Ivone de Guadalupe Reis, Clinical Director and Clinical Psychologist at Reverse Psychology.
Did you know? Studies point to the fact that a guardian can begin to tutor a child right from the age of 12 months.
Jyotika Aggarwal, Clinical Psychologist at the Dubai-based German Neuroscience Center, says: “Disciplining is about teaching and guiding the infant rather than about punishment. At each stage of growth, a child needs a different kind of support and a parent must use different strategies to communicate discipline.
“For parents with toddlers, it is important to remember that infants are impulsive and curious, hence, they act in certain ways. That is toddlers doing what they should be doing. Getting upset isn’t going to help, but this is a good age to start setting up the stage for setting boundaries and disciplining for the future.”
Is being demanding such a bad thing?
Look at the intent and ability of a child before answering that question. Katabua explains: “A lot of us grew up with the idea that seeking attention is something to look down upon, neglecting that we all do things in order to gain attention. As adults, our attention-seeking behaviours come in the form of affirmation, recognition, being controversial, being heard and understood, etc. With young children, it is a lot less sophisticated. So seeking attention may look like acting out, interrupting, being clingy, asking a lot of questions, etc.”
Before responding to the child it's important for parents to reflect on what their child's behaviour brings out in them. When your child is demanding your attention, what feelings come up for you?
In the moment, when you are harried and a child begins to act in a manner you deem ‘inappropriate’, the go-to reaction may be to snap, to stop the action he or she is indulging in, but says Katabua, it is in this moment that one needs to introspect. She says: “Before responding to the child it's important for parents to reflect on what their child's behaviour brings out in them. When your child is demanding your attention, what feelings come up for you? What kind of parenting behaviours do you engage in at those moments? That awareness is helpful in recognising if your responses are due to your child's needs or your own.”
The ‘why’ is important – the trigger that caused a child’s reaction. Ask yourself the following questions:
- Is the child feeling lonely, worried, bored, or sad and needing some comfort or company?
- Is the child scared of being abandoned?
- Does the child have a lot on their mind and are in need of someone to help them process their thoughts?
- Is there jealousy at play, and they are finding ways to reassure themselves that they are important to you?
“If you have an idea of why they are seeking your attention, it is easier to address the internal need, rather than simply the behaviour,” says Katabua.
Remedial measures
Quality time: “With children who tend to require a significant amount of attention - it's helpful to set aside some time whereby they receive intense attention from you. This can be 20 or 30 minutes where they have your complete attention, affection and interest. Depending on the age of the child, this could be playing together, bath time, bedtime cuddles, going out for hot chocolate, etc.
“It's helpful to make this a clear event - whereby the child knows to expect that this is their special time with you. You can put this on the family calendar, or let them know that later in the day they will get to have a special time with you so that they know what to expect. The attention that they receive from you during this 'special time' will be different than in regular time, so it helps them make that distinction,” says Katabua.
Channel the behaviour: “Parents are encouraged to help their children find appropriate ways to seek attention. This is most helpful for the children who have learned that they can easily access negative attention from adults in their lives. Parents can start by ignoring certain behaviours (as long as it is safe to do so) and giving attention to when they see the child engaging in appropriate behaviours,” she adds.
No saying ‘No’: “Don’t keep using the word ‘no’ while talking to your toddler, it can become the first word your child learns and along with it, its negative emotional connotation. Instead, direct them towards the action you would like for them to do,” says Aggarwal.
Handle separation anxiety: “Around 14 months, when you notice that your child starts crying and wailing when you go away, don’t immediately run back to your child. This will teach them that you going away is a bad thing, and increase their anxiety even further. Instead, let them know you are nearby with your voice. Slowly, your child will learn to understand that he can safely learn to be without you yet know that you are there around to protect them,” she adds.
Play-act: “There can also be opportunities to role-play with the child or explain to them that they can get your attention through doing ‘ABC’ instead of ‘XYZ’. This may take some time, but when practised consistently, can be effective,” says Katabua.
Stop communicating in the form of instructions or criticism. Give valid reason to tweens and teens about why they should not do a certain behaviour. Help them understand the short-term and long-term consequences of the same.
Remember children learn by watching: “Be mindful of the words and actions to display for your children to see. Self-control in difficult situations becomes paramount when children are around,” says Aggarwal.
Communicate positively: “Stop communicating in the form of instructions or criticism. Give valid reason to tweens and teens about why they should not do a certain behaviour. Help them understand the short-term and long-term consequences of the same,” she says.
Consistency is the key: “Be consistent with discipline. If you have decided on a consequence for an inappropriate behaviour, stick to it. If you break your word, children will believe so can they. Don’t let your mood dictate the consistency,” warns Aggarwal.
Values and boundaries: Communicate to your kids what is acceptable and unacceptable. When they behave in unacceptable ways make sure sit them down and assertively talk to them. Try to understand the deeper reason for why they are indulging in this behaviour. Explain to them what your values are and ask them what values they want to have. These deeper questions bring out an honest response from children and they are likely to understand the gravity of their misconduct, she says.
Validate: Aggarwal calls for acceptance. When children express their emotions to you, do not invalidate or minimise them. This can lead to anger, low self-esteem and acting out in the long term. Instead, accept that they are feeling a certain way, even if you don’t understand it. Then help them identify which thoughts are leading to these feelings and perhaps if there are other healthier ways to understand the situation.
Reinforce wanted behaviour: "Praise your child's politeness, and give him attention. When your child asks for things correctly or behaves in a good way, it’s important to acknowledge and praise them, children learn better through reinforcement of good behaviour, also demanding children often display this behavior to get the parent’s attention, says de Guadalupe Reis.
Prioritise: “When your child starts acting out more often, sometimes it is a cry for help and your love. During these times, realise that it is possible that your child is letting you know that they need you. Spend more time interacting with your child in a positive way, be non-judgmental of their likes and opinions. Allow them to speak their mind. Sometimes, it’s okay to just hear, and not keep correcting,” adds Aggarwal.
Discuss with your child, the difference between demanding and polite behaviours. It’s appropriate for a parent to let that child know that he or she is being demanding and needs to rephrase or change their tone of voice when asking for something
Explain the problem: "Discuss with your child, the difference between demanding and polite behaviours, exemplify respectful requests. It’s appropriate for a parent to let that child know that he or she is being demanding and needs to rephrase or change their tone of voice when asking for something," says de Guadalupe Reis.
Help them help themselves: "Give them the needed information to solve their problem, if what he/she is demanding is food, tell them politely where the food is and how to get it; it’s important that the child starts building their own independence by learning how to solve their own problems," she adds.
Know their limits
Raising the bar on expectations is what will trip you into a space of disappointment. Gauge carefully if your child is capable, developmentally, to do what is being asked of him or her. Katabua explains: “Some parents may expect their child to be independent and play by themselves, whereas the child may not have those skills yet. That would likely cause frustration both for parents and child because the child is not yet there.”
And don't take it personally, recommends de Guadalupe Reis. "It might look like it, but demanding children are not a reflection of your parenting; kids are just learning how to communicate. Take a deep breath and think before you respond to any demand - this simple behaviour will change your answer to their demand, and their behaviour."
Be honest
Parents are human. And fallible. It’s okay to let your child know when you need some me-time. “Depending on your child's age and developmental level - you can also communicate your own needs. You can let them know when you are feeling like you need a time-out, or that you will do a better job listening to them during your "special time" and right now you're busy, etc,” says Katabua.
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