Do you really have to be good at something to do it?
Shinjini Saha, a homemaker in Dubai, remembers a classmate whose love for music drowned out any concerns about his singing ability. His voice would soar above the rest, much to his classmates amusement. However, the teacher never prevented him from trying, either.
Saha remembers, “She stopped the others from making fun of him too or making any comments. When another parent commented to her later about his singing, she just answered, ‘He loves music, so why should I stop him?’”
Others find it cathartic to do something they love, like Helen Myers, an American Abu Dhabi-based expat and school teacher, who unwinds after a long day by just ‘making a mess’ with watercolours on her canvas at home. “I can’t paint at all, something everyone finds hard to believe as I come from a family of artists. Yet, since childhood, I just loved playing around with colours and painting for myself,” she says frankly. “I know I’m not going to host an exhibition any time soon, but that doesn’t stop me from painting.”
Yet, not everyone embraces imperfection. Ron Moore, a Dubai-based British entrepreneur hung up his football shoes, after letting a few goals slip through. The fear of culinary havoc keeps Anita Singh, an Abu Dhabi-based sales professional from indulging in her love for cooking.
So, the question is, a happy, fulfilled life defined by only doing things that we excel in?
How pursuit of excellence hampers the prospects of a happy life
The pursuit of excellence, while admirable, can be harrowing if it limits us to activities where we already excel.
As psychologists explain, when we only engage in things that we are good at, we strengthen the protective shield and unobtainable goal of perfectionism. Dubai-based psychologist Rebecca Carter from LightHouse Arabia, explains, “This belief system tells us that we need to look, speak, act and be perfect, in an attempt to avoid feelings of shame, blame and judgement.” It is exhausting to live by such unrelenting standards; it disrupts our ability to embrace our own uniqueness, explains Carter.
The fear of failure, mockery and judgement looms over people’s heads. Candace Meynard, an American Abu Dhabi-based psychologist elaborates, “When you start limiting yourself to activities that you excel in, the pressure to maintain that level of perfection is immense. You begin to fear making mistakes and are reluctant to try anything outside your comfort zone.” Moreover, not only do these beliefs cripple you emotionally, but you also miss out on many opportunities for living a richer life. It generates a sense of monotony and stagnation, along with a sense of general dissatisfaction.
When we only engage in things that we are good at, we strengthen the protective shield and unobtainable goal of perfectionism. This belief system tells us that we need to look, speak, act and be perfect, in an attempt to avoid feelings of shame, blame and judgement....
As Meynard explains, when you avoid activities where you might not be a natural, you not only restrict your potential for growth, you also lose out on a more engaging life and shared experiences. As she adds, you never know what talents you might uncover if you try something new: Trying out something new could unlock different hidden talents. For example, taking a pottery class might reveal a hidden talent for sculpting, or a love of dance could translate into surprising agility in a yoga class. So, the process of exploration itself, is a valuable tool for nourishing different talents. “Focusing on the enjoyment of learning and trying new things, rather than the pressure to excel, allows your natural abilities to flourish organically,” adds Meynard.
So, if we keep to a path where we do things that we can excel in, we are just stifling our own growth in different ways. It leads to higher levels of anxiety, depression and life paralysis as Carter summarises. In order to live a ‘good life’, you need to work on just embracing the imperfections, and accept who you are. The effects are multifold and varied: It could lead to flourishing bouts of creativity, new career paths, catharsis, stimulation and an overall sense of well-being. These aspects could just lead you to the fulfilled life that you desire.
'We need to move beyond the internal dialogue of our inner critic…’
A good, happy and fulfilled life is not defined by how controlled, cautious or perfect you are.
Carter explains, “You could argue that a good life is a life full of mistakes, wrong turnings and learnings along the way. When you engage in experiences that you do not feel confident about, you cultivate deeper insights about yourself and new valuable qualities. The key is to move beyond the internal dialogue of your inner critic, which attempts to keep you fearful, inhibited and safe through self-judgement and limiting beliefs. Instead, you could approach something new and unknown with a genuine curiosity to learn.”
You slowly develop a fondness for the imperfections, as well as a sense of light-heartedness too, creating more opportunities for enjoyment, fun and shared experiences with your family and friends, she says. You really don’t need to do things just to be good at them: You do them, to add more quality to your life. It could give more room for laughter, and heal the anxiety marinating inside you.
A little laughter for the soul
There’s a joy in the awkwardness and stumbling, explains Meynard. “It doesn't matter if your pottery creation looked like a mess. You should treasure the laughs you share with your friends,” she says, citing an example. “Another example is karaoke. Nobody goes to karaoke to show off their dulcet tones. You go there to just have fun, laugh, sing and make memories. It cements your friendships, too,” she says.
Moreover, this shared laughter in fun memories is healing: It reduces the stress levels and is effective for emotional pain management, she adds. “Such a perspective allows us to see the lighter side of things. It takes the pressure off achieving perfection, and allows us to focus on the joy in the processes,” she says. These combined effects of stress reduction, pain management and social bonding, all contribute to a sense of well-being. “It’s a powerful tool for just transforming your mood and reducing anxiety,” she says. Once you follow this perspective, it allows you to focus on the present moment, and this outlook spills over into other areas of your life, benefiting your overall mood and emotional well-being.
Doing things you enjoy also creates a sense of psychological resilience, providing a healthy outlet for your emotions. And who knows? You might just get better at it in time, she adds.
For example, Elena Willis, an American Abu Dhabi-based homemaker, heads for dancing classes with her friends, at the end of the week. She claims that most of them have ‘two left feet’, and yet that has never stopped them from attending the classes. “I, for one, can never follow steps to the beat, and I’m always missing out. Yet, I just love dancing, and more importantly, I love it when I have company,” she says. The whole process is cathartic: The missteps, the ensuing chaos, and finally just laughing over it at night with her friends over some good food. “After an exhausting and anxiety-inducing week juggling between household chores and children, these lessons really allow me to just feel like myself again,” she says.
Nevertheless keep in mind…
However, as the psychologists emphasise, this is not to say that striving for excellence isn’t important. There’s a difference between healthy ambition, and soul-crushing perfectionism.
The key is finding a balance. Focus on your enjoyment, but also know when it’s time to let go.
As Neera Swaminathan, a Dubai-based stress specialist explains, here are a few tips on how to create a balance.
Focus on the fun: Choose activities that bring you joy, regardless of your skill level.
Set realistic goals: Don't aim for perfection. Set achievable goals that focus on learning and progress.
Celebrate every step: Acknowledge and celebrate your improvements, big or small.
Embrace your mistakes: See mistakes as learning opportunities, not failures. They provide valuable feedback for growth.
Practice makes progress: Dedicate time to practice and improve, but don't overdo it. Allow yourself breaks to avoid burnout.
Seek support: Surround yourself with positive people who encourage and support your efforts.
Consider different approaches: If an activity becomes frustrating, consider a different approach, like taking a class or finding a beginner-friendly version.
Know when to let go: It's okay if an activity doesn't spark joy. Give yourself permission to move on and explore something else.
