How to build your teenager’s self-esteem
Use empathy and understanding and these tips to help your child
The seeds of self-doubt germinate in the teenage years, affected by hormones and (sometimes) experiences. “Young people are constantly receiving messages that tell them that consuming the correct possessions at the right time, looking, and thinking a certain way, is essential for social acceptance, gaining and maintaining friendships and thus self-esteem. For this reason, self-esteem levels can dramatically drop in the teenage years,” explains Amelia Simpson, Consultant Psychologist at Dubai-based Reverse Psychology.
This blow to the self-esteem may result in teens finding themselves ‘unlikeable’ and a plunge into the deep waters of negative self-doubt. “They may try to avoid new things and find change hard to deal with; they may constantly compare themselves to others in a negative way and find it impossible to be proud of their achievements,” adds Simpson.
Everyday interactions and changes – be in school, grade or community – may also nick a chunk out of the teen’s image of themselves.
“Young people with persistent low self-esteem are more at risk of developing depression, anxiety, self-harming and other mental health problems as they grow up, and will often find the ‘ups and downs’ of life, harder to get through,” adds Simpson, making early intervention that much more important.
Have a negative image of themselves - they might feel bad, ugly, unlikeable or stupid
Lack confidence
Find it hard to make and keep friendships, and may feel victimised by others
feel lonely and isolated
Tend to avoid new things and find change hard
Can't deal well with failure.
Tend to put themselves down and might say things like "I’m stupid" or "I can't do that"
Are not proud of what they achieve and always think they could have done better.
Are constantly comparing themselves to their peers in a negative way
Source: Youngminds.org.uk
Young people with persistent low self-esteem are more at risk of developing depression, anxiety, self-harming and other mental health problems as they grow up, and will often find the ‘ups and downs’ of life, harder to get through.
Simpson offers the following tips to help them get back on track:
Improve internal sense of control: Believing that we are responsible for our success and that this is not about luck, possessions or other forces is self-fulfilling. It leads to increased confidence and adaptive behaviours that reinforce this confidence. Encourage them to voice their opinions and even if you don’t agree, validate them!
Empathy and validation: It is not always helpful to say, ‘No, that’s not true,’ or, ‘Don’t be silly!’ Even though we are trying to reassure them, we are invalidating their very real experience. Try saying, ‘I completely understand’, and giving examples of when you may have felt that way, too ... normalise their feelings and help them express them with words, art or music – whatever works for them.
Normalise imperfection: Let them know that you value who they are, their efforts and individuality, not perfection. Again, showing and explaining times when you have made mistakes can be helpful. Don’t be too critical and don’t put them down – if you are unhappy with their behaviour, let them know, but make clear that you still love them.
Encouragement: Encourage them to try new challenges themselves and celebrate their efforts. Phrases like, ‘Well done, that was hard, and you managed it’ are good. Make the steps small at first, then increase the challenges.
Encourage discovery: Help children discover and develop their talents through clubs, groups and activities. Finding something they are good at provides a huge boost to their feelings of self-worth. Get them involved with community projects that make a difference to someone else to develop a more positive opinion of themselves.
Maida Kajevic, Clinical Psychologist at German Neuroscience Centre, adds:
Strive to establish good family communication: Look at the positive sides of your child’s actions. Talk about the ‘positives of the day’. It would be helpful to introduce some kind of ‘rules’ to foster better relationships such as eating meals with the whole family.
Set boundaries: Do not be afraid to set boundaries for your child but be prepared to explain them. Accept that your child has his/her own opinion on some things and that he/she does not want to follow you in everything; an example is going out everywhere with the family. By allowing them to have their opinion and make their choice over a subject, you validate it.
Do not be afraid to set boundaries for your child but be prepared to explain them. Accept that your child has his/her own opinion on some things and that he/she does not want to follow you in everything.
Hand over responsibilities: Step by step, teach him/her to take care of his/her own nutrition, hygiene, sleep and leisure.
Meet the friends: That way you will show the child that you accept his/her new friends and that you are ‘open’ to conversation. It will be an opportunity for you to get to know their issues and have others to help you understand them too.
Don’t confuse personality with behaviour in your statements. In doing so, you may hurt and negatively impact the teen’s self-esteem.
Support positive activities: Encourage your child and his/her friends to do what they love such as sports, ice skating, dance course, music, etc. The sense of accomplishment on the field will translate into other areas of life.
Accept the fact that you won’t always know everything. Each of us has our own 'secret garden', as is the case with your children. Show you are interested in what your children does, what they think about, what is it that they like and accept the fact that they won't always tell you everything. Show you are there whenever they need it, but do it unobtrusively, without pressure, so they would not shut you out.
Dr Letizia Mugnai, Clinical Psychologist and Psychotherapist, Openminds Dubai, offers these tips:
Don't invalidate their emotional experiences. Parents have to try to put themselves in teenagers’ shoes to establish a connection. If parents remain firm in the position of adults, they risk trivialising teenagers’ attitudes, their emotions and their words. Phrases such as, ‘It doesn't seem serious to me, you can overcome it!’ do not encourage teenagers, rather they put a wall up and do not make them feel understood. Most of the time teens are not looking for solutions, but rather a shoulder on which to let off steam. Therefore, listening and sharing are essential, as they allow teenagers to feel taken seriously and to open up with you even in times of difficulty.
Don't make comparisons. Each teenager is unique in his/her characteristics, interests and abilities. Parents should try not to create unrealistic expectations of them, avoiding unnecessary pressure. In fact, making constant comparisons with brothers or friends is absolutely useless, except to communicate parents’ disappointment, the fact that they are not happy with teenager and that they would like him/her to be different, feeding his/her feelings of inadequacy and his/her internal frailties.
Parents have to try to put themselves in teenagers’ shoes to establish a connection. If parents remain firm in the position of adults, they risk trivialising teenagers’ attitudes, their emotions and their words.
Strengthen teenagers resources. Too many times parents focus on the more negative aspects of the teenager, losing sight of his resources and strengths. So, avoiding attacking and hurting him with continuous negative comments, instead highlight his potential, reflect with him on what he can do, encourage him not to remain closed but to get involved and experiment, especially in the activities that interest him most and from which he derives pleasure. Limits must not be experienced as an insurmountable obstacle but as an opportunity and a stimulus for growth: parents have to get involved and fully commit to the goal, even if it can take a long time.
Reassure. In adolescence, boys and girls often feel ugly and are afraid of being laughed at. Never make fun of them about their perceived defects, do not make sarcastic jokes and do not ridicule their experience, but help them to value their particularities and gradually appreciate them.
Do not protect them too much. Parents should give teenagers the right space of autonomy and movement in following their aspirations and making decisions, protecting too much could lead them to grow by leaning on parents, without ever feeling that they can rely on themselves and without experimenting with their own effectiveness, which is a fundamental aspect for believing and gaining self-confidence.
Frederick van Wyk, Counselling Psychologist at UAE-based American Center for Psychiatry and Neurology, offers the following tips:
Choose your battles: As parents of teenagers, we need to choose our battles. We see many things that they need to change, but correcting them every time, all day long is a sure confidence breaker.
One teenager once told me: ‘My parents turn every conversation into a lecture’. This is called negative parenting. Instead a positive approach is much more helpful. Knowing their strength and weaknesses may help. Functioning from a strength is much more beneficial than focusing on the child's weakness. For example, a child who loves playing football should be encouraged to do well in football, taken to matches and helped to improve his skills. Such a child will feel confident then to also work on brushing his teeth (if it’s a weakness). This is an alternative to parents focusing on ‘brushing his teeth’ and only taking him to football once he does.
Praise the positives: Catch them doing well and say it. Say things like: ‘That was so kind of you when you helped your brother’ or ‘that is a beautiful shirt you chose to wear’.
Don't use absolutes: It is not helpful to use extremes in our responses to children. Shouting at a teenager and using words like: ‘You are ALWAYS lazy...’, or ‘You NEVER help me in the house...’, or calling them names like ‘spoiled brat’ or ‘liar’ only leaves them with a label and guilt, but not the tools to change.
Respect the other parent: One way to build up a teenager's confidence is to love his other parent (if parents are still married) and not speak poorly of the parent (if divorced or separated). A strong bond between the parents are a wall of confidence for any child.
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