The worst validation of parental guilt is when you reach for your child only to have them clutching at air, reaching for their nanny.
“For households with both parents working full-time and long hours, it is very common for children to prefer spending time with the main caregiver in their life, even if that person is not the parent,” says Carissa Valentim-Du Toit, Childcare Development Manager at Dubai-based CloudNine Kids, which offers nanny and childcare services. “It’s not easy and can be heart-breaking to feel unwanted or secondary to someone who has been hired to work for their family. At the same time, it is essential for the child/children to have a strong bond and gives peace of mind to parents enabling them to work. Creating a balance and space for parents to ‘parent’ around their main caregiver is important for everyone.”
UAE-based Indian mum Reshma Lokwani says: “In today’s life it’s really mandatory for a working couple to have a nanny at home to take care of their kids. But remember, nannies are there to just take care of your kid when you are out for work. When you are around, it’s your duty to take care of your kid.
“Especially when child needs you to play with them, to spend the time with you, to go out, etc. whenever they need parents, they should be there for the kids.”
So what can you do?
Valentim-Du Toit suggests the following:
- Parents should ensure daily bonding time without (or with little interference from) the nanny. This includes the child spending quality time with each of their parents as well as a family unit. For example, dad or mum overseeing bath time every day or reading a bed time story every night. It could also help for the nanny to stay at a distance and not be visible so the child doesn’t get distracted.
- Share the same parenting style between parents and nanny. This will make transitions from each carer easier for everyone.
- Foster communication. Nannies should keep parents informed of any relevant information during the day. This will also help alleviate any ‘guilt’ experienced by a parent when leaving their child.
- A nanny should never say to a child ‘I love you the most’ or compare what she does for the child to what the parents do. Affection and care are important in a relationship between a nanny and the child but that does not surpass the importance and role of a child’s parents.
Romanian expat and mum-of-two Clementina Kongslund believes that parents should appreciate the nannies who look after their children. “The kids are anyway attached to their parents. Of course, they develop a special relationship with the nannies if they are good but I don't think the parents should feel threatened,” she explains.
Foster communication. Nannies should keep parents informed of any relevant information during the day. This will also help alleviate any ‘guilt’ experienced by a parent when leaving their child.
Malin Ghavami, Lead Midwife at UAE-based Nightingale Health Services, adds: “My best advice to parents that are experiencing some ‘competitive feelings’, guilt or any other feelings sneaking up on you when you see that the child prefers to seek comfort with the caregiver or nanny, is to think that this is a very positive thing that the child has actually bonded well with the caregiver… it would be much worse and more stressful if the child does not bond and connect with the caregiver and that itself can affect work-life balance in a negative way.”
It’s important to maintain a cordial relationship between the nanny and the parent. A nanny of a two-year-old based in Dubai, who spoke upon condition of anonymity, says: “I am often shouted at for no reason and used as a scapegoat for the parent’s mistake. It is incredibly demotivating and harmful to my self-esteem. I feel like I’m not doing my job right and don’t feel happy. Only the kid makes me smile. It happens all the time and no apology is ever given.”
Valentim-Du Toit adds that often when nannies leave a position it’s not because they dislike the work; it’s often it is for financial reasons, insufficient rest or no time off.
Sometimes, the issues that crop up are more worrying for the child. Michelle, the mother of a three-year-old girl from Dubai, tells Gulf News about her nanny’s sudden aloof behaviour. She says: “I have had my nanny with us for three years, since my baby was born. She is the sweetest, kindest lady and I have always put my entire trust into her. You have to. Until recently, we have had a couple of incidents that I’ve been shocked about. While at work, my daughter fell down in the living room and cut her lip, I was not notified about this until I came home as my nanny said she thought it wasn’t a big deal. I asked her where she was at this time and she said she was busy cutting some vegetables and didn’t notice.
“Secondly, I found out from a neighbour that when at the playground, my nanny has been seen less interactive with my daughter and mostly sitting and chatting to the other nannies. When I spoke about this with my nanny, she totally denied it. I’m now feeling like the trust is broken and feel unsure about leaving my child with her the whole day while I work. My gut instinct is to find a new nanny but I also feel sad because she is so caring and good with my daughter.”
Expat Yasmin Carey, who has three children, is a pretty hands-on parent. She says: “I don’t really like the nannies doing much with my kids but then I’ve got friends that have no choice because they have work and they prefer that. So I think it depends on what your situation is.
A practical hack to ease of the guilt feelings could be to have something specific to do with only the family at least once a week, this will eventually become routine for everyone and something to look forward to.
“A practical hack to ease of the guilt feelings could be to have something specific to do with only the family at least once a week, this will eventually become routine for everyone and something to look forward to. For small babies/toddlers, comfort is closely related to both sleep and food, so perhaps try and be home for the bedtime routines and even dinner, this will help to increase bonding,” adds Ghavami.
Either way, both the nanny and the parents need to find a middle ground and tag team it – after all, to raise a child, it takes a whole village.
Write to us at parenting@gulfnews.com
