In the two years since I’ve been in Bangkok, I’ve moved house three times, changed jobs three times and seen lots of friends come and go. But one thing that has remained constant is my big fat crush on my gym instructor.
I’ve never said anything to give him the idea that I might like him because, quite frankly, I think he’d be petrified and I’d have to change gyms out of embarrassment. But unfortunately, my enthusiasm for this tiny Thai Chinese man will not abate. Unrequited lust is just horrible; you have photos of him on your phone, you know exactly what kind of films he likes, who his team are and how he takes his coffee. You also know you’re his dream woman if he’d wake up and notice you. You know all this because your stalking has revealed that you have SO much in common.
When you’re in a relationship, it’s perfectly reasonable to share photos of your loved one, talk about him until your friends want to stab you in the eyes and get annoyed when he talks to other girls. But when you’re not in a relationship, it’s deemed a bit cray-cray to show people your slide show of photos you have of him. Photos that he may not necessarily know you sneakily took on your iPhone.
The problem is, unrequited love can feel every bit as real as proper love (you know, when you’re in a relationship that both of you are aware you’re in). Ok, so you don’t get to enjoy the fun stuff — such as dinners and calling them silly names but, you do get all the agonising bits — the jealousy when they talk to other girls, the wondering where on earth they are and who they’re talking to when they are online on Whatsapp at 3am on a Thursday and the anger and upset when they’re a bit offish with you.
Yes, I know I sound like every guy’s worst nightmare. But, believe me, I am speaking for a lot of girls out there. If we’ve liked you for some time, there is a good chance we have been stalking your every move and getting highly upset about some of your actions. Because, though a guy may believe himself to be single and able to do what he wants, a girl who’s after him may well feel betrayed by his carefree bachelor behaviour.
Unrequited love has effects that are quite similar to madness. Full blown insanity.
On a sane level, I know I’m not in a relationship with my instructor. I do. On an entirely different level — one that has been messed up by the irrational thinking that love and obsession can bring about — I feel as though he’s being a really bad boyfriend sometimes. Like, the other day my friend came to the gym with me. We walked past my instructor and he didn’t acknowledge me. I felt so embarrassed. Probably the same kind of embarrassment as if my boyfriend had blanked me in front of a friend. In reality he was probably a little rude, at worst. But, to my friend and me, he was being entirely unreasonable and his behaviour needed analysing. “I think he’s trying to play it cool and get your attention,” my friend said. I much prefer this idea than “he’s not at all bothered about you and he barely even noticed that you walked by”. Which, let’s face it, is probably the case.
The funny thing is, when I’m in an actual relationship, I am not a jealous type at all. And I never gave a second thought as to what team my ex supported or how he liked his coffee. There’s just something about a chase — especially one that seems so improbable — that brings out my most insecure and unhinged side.
