Surrounded by family and colourful balloons, her mother was cutting a cheesecake on her 70th birthday. Her daughter, Manisha Menon, a Dubai-based expat and academic researcher cheerfully teased, “Happy 70th, Ma! You’re old now.”
Her mother calmly drank a glass of watermelon juice and answered, “Fifty five, my dear. Fifty five.”
Before you wonder, that wasn’t a denial, but a mere reflection. As her mother always emphatically notes, the distance between our chronological and mental age can be light years apart. Her behaviour reflects this belief too: Apart from busying herself with yoga classes and early morning walks, Menon’s mother has decided to make up for years of lost travel. So, every couple of months, she sets off on an ‘adventure’ to exotic towns and cities, trekking up and down mountains, with friends. These little lifestyle changes, make her feel young at heart.
The key phrase: Young at heart. On the other hand, thirty-three-year-old Sheryl King, an Abu Dhabi-based British freelancer, is trying to recapture the energy from her teenage years, by pursuing different hobbies, such as dancing and singing and having board game nights at different meetups. “The constant hustle and bustle of life makes me forget about the child in me,” she says. “I keep trying to indulge that child in me, otherwise, I just think of myself as old, tired, and with too much on my plate.”
She likes to believe that she is 18 again, as she says with a giggle.
A ‘subjective’ rejuvenation
Why do we humans have this persistent itch to shave years off our mental age? The simpler explanation, according to psychologists and researchers, is that they fear ageing. This is an easier answer, as Louisa Grace, a Dubai-based clinical psychologist explains. “Aging is often associated with a loss of control and a host of potential problems: Health issues, irrelevance, and idleness in retirement. To avoid confronting these fears, people may cling to a younger identity, creating a desperate illusion of perpetual youth."
However, that’s only a fraction of the story, as she maintains. And as it turns out, feeling younger than your actual age, might actually just do you a world of good, and academic research has attempted to verify this.
This pursuit of youth has its share of benefits. A 2023 study in the academic journal Psychological Science found that people are increasingly perceiving themselves as younger than their actual age. This trend has persisted over time, even when accounting for factors like health, loneliness, and education that typically influence how old we feel. The researchers coined the term ‘subjective rejuvenation’ to describe the phenomenon, noting that it persisted even in advanced age — a surprising finding given the increased vulnerability associated with older age. This ‘subjective rejuvenation’ correlates with improved well-being, better health, and potentially a longer life. In the spirit of feeling younger, people opt for healthier habits, a better lifestyle over a sedentary one, which all contributes to a reduced cognitive decline and activity.
Grace views this ‘right’ idea of youth as a renewed form of optimism and promise, as compared to just denial. It’s quite possible that people who ascribe to this view of youth, see that their best years are ahead of them still, and the future doesn’t hold only frailty, illnesses and exhaustion. “This youthful mindset can serve well as a buffer against anxiety and depression, common mental health challenges, especially in later life. It can contribute to reducing stress: You perceive challenges as opportunities and not threats,” she says. After all, being young is often associated with energy, vibrancy and optimism and purpose, which allows a person to push their own limits.
The truth is, if you believe that you aren’t done yet, then you might just go very far.
Shifting focus from limitations to abilities
So, what can cause this mindset shift? Well, the reasons are complex and innumerable, but essentially, it’s about the perspective, mindset that you follow, as Clarice Mendonca-King, clinical psychologist and neuropsychology specialist, explains. For many adults, our identities normally revolve around work and family responsibilities. When these roles change — due to retirement, career shifts, or life challenges — we can experience a sense of loss or emptiness. This identity crisis can contribute to feeling older.
However, many also see it as an opportunity to find new meaning and purpose in these transitions. Dr Mendonca-King says, “Many people start to understand that they can live a more comprehensive and balanced life, one that gives us a greater sense of vitality. You see people trying different activities, pursuing personal interests outside of work and parenting, travelling and taking time off, or people who pursue a healthier, less sedentary lifestyle and diets. All this fosters a sense of ability."
You see people trying different activities, pursuing personal interests outside of work and parenting, travelling and taking time off, or people who pursue a healthier, less sedentary lifestyle and diets. All this fosters a sense of ability...
Such changes in lifestyle, indicates that people are more in touch with their abilities, instead of inabilities associated with aging, and this is what helps them thrive. In other words, this shift in focus from limitations to abilities helps them to maintain a youthful outlook. And so, rather than just succumbing to living life mechanically, they are determined to make most of the time that they do have left.
‘Younger at fifty than I was at twenty’
Moreover, crucial life experiences, relationships and social interactions can refresh an understanding of youth too. Sometimes, it could be something as simple as finding love and friendship again in what is generally perceived as ‘middle age’. A lot depends on the person’s psychological makeup too, adds Grace.
Sharada Nair, an Abu Dhabi-based homemaker, who is well into her sixties, recalls her marriage at the age of 48. “Till then, I considered myself as old and busy,” she says. “There was nothing to complain about; I wasn’t unhappy. I was just living my life, working, paying bills, and meeting friends. I thought that I had passed the age of falling in love; that was a closed chapter, or so I believed. And, I found someone in my late forties. I remember feeling so young at that time; that kind of happiness made me feel more alive than I had ever felt before that,” says Nair. It was a friendship, companionship, marriage and the sense of sharing life with someone who was just like her, that made her feel young again. “I forgot that I’m almost in my fifties, as I was told. Everyone kept telling me that I was laughing, joking and even giggling, a lot more,” she says, remembering how she started pursuing different activities, such as starting a book club with her partner.
And now, the two of them sit and play scrabble, solve crosswords, puzzles and discuss complex novels, films with each other every day. “Well, more than feeling alert and cognitively sharp, the weariness, the monotony that I used to feel, has vanished. I look forward to a new day in my sixties. Something that I hadn’t done in my twenties.”
Healing from trauma, grief and loss
It’s no secret that trauma ages you. Grief and loss of loved ones, missed career opportunities and missteps, all can contribute to making you feel older than you already are. As Tara Wyne, a Dubai-based psychologist had earlier told Gulf News, trauma erodes our innocence and exposes us to harsh realities. Nevertheless, healing from trauma, a complex and nuanced process as it is, can restore a sense of vitality and energy that might have been lost, over the years. Sometimes, it can also light the fire of hope, a sense of optimism and a refreshed perspective towards life, adds Grace.
It can encourage people to nurture themselves, build resilience and reconnect with their true selves.
'A framework to view aging'
Lois Grace Mathews, a Dubai-based clinical psychologist explains, there needs to be a framework through which aging is perceived. Explaining the usual changes that come along with aging that people fear so much, she says, "There is decline and deterioration in physical systems and cognitive aspects of the brain, colours that used to be vibrant now seem dull and grey, telephone numbers that used to pop up in a flash of a second now take time and asking people around for help, movement seems more of a task than a hobby. All this gives way as to why aging is feared, anxiety of aging is real and if dwelled on unhealthily it can cause harmful health outcomes."
Aged people are better at maintaining interpersonal relationships, know more about the social environment, have increased emotional regulation and practical knowledge in different spheres of life. The positives of aging are equally rich when delved into...
There are numerous factors related to aging anxiety however, the framework through which aging is perceived and interpreted also counts. Thus, as long as downs exists, ups also co-exist. She reminds, "Aged people are better at maintaining interpersonal relationships, know more about the social environment, have increased emotional regulation and practical knowledge in different spheres of life. The positives of aging are equally rich when delved into."
Striking a balance
Feeling younger can be empowering, but it's essential to balance this mindset with a realistic view of age. The psychologists caution against denying one's chronological age, as this can lead to unhealthy behaviours or unrealistic expectations, for example, trying to engage in strenuous physical activities that the body cannot keep up with. Instead, focus on adopting a youthful spirit that embraces new experiences, challenges, and opportunities. It also means maintaining a mature outlook towards life and relationships, being aware of your own emotional responses, thoughts and triggers, as well as being empathetic to others. As Grace says, being young doesn’t give you a pass to be childish and cause a disturbance to others emotionally.
Instead, this shift in perspective of being youthful can significantly improve overall well-being. By cultivating a positive outlook and engaging in activities that bring joy, people can experience a renewed sense of vitality and purpose, regardless of their age.
A study backs this up: Research published in February 2022 in JAMA Network Open, a US-based journal, observed the differences in aging satisfaction over four years among 14,000 adults over 50. The researchers discovered that the people with the highest satisfaction with aging had a 43 per cent lower risk of dying from any cause over the four years, compared to those who were the least satisfied. The study also found that people more satisfied with the aging process had a lower risk for diabetes, stroke, cancer, and heart disease. They also had better cognitive functioning and were less lonely and depressed. People who embraced this positive mindset also were more physically active and slept better, as the study showed.
