No kid gloves for children

Friday in my household went something like this: Wake up at 6.45am — feel guilty. Guilty that I haven't woken up earlier to finish my writing in time to prepare my daughters' eggy bread. Instead, I risk their ire, with bowls of Greek yoghurt and fresh fruit.

A battle of sorts

Next, I glue a smile to my lips and attempt to inspire my youngest not to wake up in a fury, because I know I will not have chosen the clothes she likes.

I then negotiate the school run battling a fair amount of cheek: "Mummy, why are you so slow in the mornings?' Which is followed in the afternoon by an episode of praise-heaping for mediocre efforts.

Average drawings, average homework and the huge sulk are all met with a "well done!" and a huge hug.

Imagine my delight, then, at the arrival of two studies into parenting that make my best efforts appear even more feeble than my children go to pains to tell me they are.

The first, NurtureShock, has as its theme a question of our time. Namely, why, after decades of caring, progressive parenting and education, do we have so many social problems with children and teenagers?

Based on a massive review of the latest scientific studies, the authors say our strategies for nurturing our children are backfiring.

Their conclusion is that while mums like me have the best intentions, our touchy-feely brand of parenting, where parents are too weak to criticise and discipline, will damage our children in the long term.

Praising children constantly creates "praise junkies". Even using the word "clever" comes in for a bashing. It seems that by frequently telling a child how clever they are, we are giving them impossibly high expectations to live up to.

Drawing the line

So on some days, I stop berating myself for not trying hard enough to be a good mum and settle instead for repeating things my grandmother said to me.

On such days, my girls are their happiest, most robust and most helpful. When Holly moans about life not being fair because she has to wear socks and it's fruit for breakfast, I just say "life's not fair" and move on.

The girls have morning and after-school chores to do, including doing the washing and tidying their rooms. They are 6 and 8 and for these chores, they don't get a "thank you", as we all have to work together; the house doesn't, as my Nan used to tell me, "clean its bloody self, love".

I loved my gran, but was she difficult. I remember moaning about being bored on weekends. "Only boring people are bored," she would snap. One of her proudest stories was that when I was barely able to walk, she would put me inside the oven after a Sunday lunch and set me to cleaning it until it shone.

I worked hard for her. I never felt unloved or undervalued. That might seem surprising when you consider that what I most remember being said to me were, "Give it milk, love" (stop whining) and "Go and play on the bloody road".

A smack link detected

Which brings me to the week's second study. Researchers have now found a link between how often children were punished and their IQ. It seems those regularly smacked could suffer symptoms associated with post-traumatic stress disorder. So if we overpraise our children, we create hypersensitive but brainy bullies. But if we use corporal punishment, they could be less clever yet better members of society.

The jury is out on what happens if you smack children and then overpraise them later. When I find out, I'll let you know.