Name calling

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony, like all mums and dads, were eager to choose fitting and distinctive names for their twins. Max and Emme will thank them when they are older for letting them off lightly by selecting close-to-normal names for them. But not all celebrity babies are so lucky.

Bob Geldof and Paula Yates were right out there when they named their daughters Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches and Pixie. But they had nothing on David and Angela Bowie, who named their son Zowie, or Frank and Gail Zappa, who had a boy called Dweezil and a girl called Moon Unit.

Geeky

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin have named their daughter Apple. Now, if that's not setting your child up for some playground stick, we don't know what is. Besides, naming a child after a computer company, intentionally or otherwise, is just too geeky for words.

Deep beneath the celebrity algae, we plebians in the swirling gene-pool have never been able to resist scattering a little stardust over our offspring by calling them after the rich and famous. Not long back, names on the up and up included Keira (Knightley), Sienna (Miller), Scarlett (Johansson). Hoi polloi princesses have been christened Paris or Kylie for quite a while, now that Sharon and Tracey have become Aunt Shaz and Aunt Trace.

But at least those names made some sort of sense. A survey done by the website BabyCenter produced a horrifying list of esoteric baby labels like Curry, Tahini, Farfallah, Sushi, Jeneral, Disney and Ikea.

Luxury

Celebrity brats with odd monikers have the luxury of their parents' vast incomes to shield them from problems their strange names might cause them. Ordinary kids with weird names have no such protection. Life is tough enough as it is, so what's wrong with giving your child a name that doesn't prompt a double-take or a bunch of fives every time it's uttered? What's wrong with a name that reflects family traditions or honours a loved one?

We all want to be unique and we all want our children to be individual. But individuality is more about who you are than what your parents wanted to say when they filled out your birth certificate.

So, Cruz, Apple, Chastity, Indiana, August, Beckett, Chardonnay and all the rest of you (especially little Ikea), here's hoping you all turn out just fine. Your parents obviously love you to bits, even if they are just big show-offs.

Remember, if the going gets too tough when you grow up, you can always change your name to Nigel or Mary. They'll be all the rage again in a few years.

Monikers

What about star parents themselves? Many have chosen to change their given names for a more marketable moniker:

Busta Rhymes: Trevor Tahiem Smith
Eminem: Marshall Bruce Mathers III
Kirk Douglas: Issur Danielovitch Demsky
Queen Latifah: Dana Elaine Owens
Whoopie Goldberg: Caryn Johnson
Demi Moore: Demetria Guynes

Think about it

What's in a name?", Shakespeare asked, and we're all asking that very same question, particularly the likes of Reginald Dwight, Frances Ethel Gumm and Archibald Leach. Would Elton John have become the staggeringly successful musician he is if he'd kept his birth name Reginald Dwight?
Same for Judy Garland — would we still remember her so fondly had she remained Frances Ethel Gumm, and would women have swooned over Cary Grant if his original name, Archibald Leach, had graced the billboards? We'll never know.

Celeb children

Apple: Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin
Bluebell Madonna: Geri Halliwell
Coco: Courteney Cox and David Arquette
Gaia: Emma Thompson
Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily: Paula Yates and Michael Hutchence Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches Honeyblossom and Little Pixie: Paula Yates and Bob Geldof
Jaz: Steffi Graf and Andre Agassi
Maddox: Angelina Jolie
Sailor: Christie Brinkley
Sosie: Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon
Zola Ivy: Eddie Murphy
Phinnaeus and Hazel: Julia Roberts and Daniel Moder
Satchel:Mia Farrow and Woody Allen
Romeo, Brooklyn and Cruz: Victoria and David Beckham
Zowie: Angie and David Bowie