At a loss

Things have been a bit hectic of late and I will be honest and say I really don't have anything particular I want to write about this week.

That's arguably the worst opening line of any article I've ever written. But I'll try to share with you the things that have concerned me of late and the circumstances of my distraction.

Without going too much into it, I have some pressure on the home front in relation to the health of my parents. My dad has a long-term illness and, in recent weeks, it seems that his various conditions (multiplied by some of his personal choices in terms of his treatment) have resulted in a general downturn in his daily demeanour. Apart from being very tough for him personally, this places a further stress on my mum who now has a bit more on her plate to cope with.

By the way, I find out all this stuff from my sisters who call me regularly to keep me updated about household events so I can better plan my visits home and maximise my support.

The reason my source of information is important to share with you is that I never get any such updates from my folks themselves! Imagine, I talk with my sister for over an hour hearing of the trials and tribulations my parents are going through. This arms me with enough intel to call my mum, although I must conceal my real reason for getting in touch. The way things go, you'd imagine my sister was talking of some other 'mum' and 'dad' because from my mum's side it is all "you know, we are getting by" and "your dad has his ups-and-downs" and so on.

So once again, I find myself putting the phone down with mixed emotions.

I think what bothers me is that it feels like my ageing and increasingly infirm parents will never see me as anything other than their young son who needs to be protected from the realities of life. As it turns out, I am not-so-young but find myself playing that role because I am aware that one of the biggest things that my parents have, despite everything that happens to them, is their pride and dignity. I do not feel equipped to push too hard, despite the extremity of the circumstances, as I risk denting their pride and may well leave them totally exposed. I hope I am not alone with this strange theatre between parent and sibling.

I think there's a certain Englishness to my situation especially between my dad and I. We have struggled forever to really build a social bond between us even with everyday things. So stuff about real serious situations is really tough to position on the radar. I do wonder if this stubbornness and unfamiliarity with emotional subjects will persist up to a point where it's literally too late.

I find myself drowning in thoughts and a little lost for words, which is kind of unusual for me. Right now, though, I am trying to get off the life-work see-saw and go back home for a bit to see things for myself, and provide the sort of distraction that seems to do wonders for my mum and dad. It also gives me the chance to pay back in pennies just a fraction of the fortune they have invested in me.

Parental guidance-ingly yours.