He says! She says!

Would you say you both are happily married?

Ayesha: Yes, I think we have a very deeply happy marriage. But it wasn’t always that way. We’re both strong, hot-headed personalities very used to leading: we used to argue a lot, and we found it difficult to deal with the stress of work coupled with working together and never getting away from that stress. Over time we’ve learned what pushes each other’s buttons and how to avoid flashpoints. And I genuinely believe that over the years we have fallen more in love, so we care more about resolving things in a loving way.

Stephen: The real strength of our marriage is that we’re a partnership of equals. We have different strengths but we’re equally strong, so we respect each other and value each other’s opinion and support above everyone else’s. Also, both of us being challenging people means it never gets boring.

When you have a difference of opinion, which one of you wins?

Stephen: We argue about work issues, but in a very productive, creative way, and we almost always end up bashing out a plan that’s better than either of our solo efforts. In the end, if it’s about one of my companies, I have the final say, and if it’s about Vardags then Ayesha does.

Both of you are high achievers. Do the demands of your careers, your public image and success put a strain on your relationship?

Ayesha: Sometimes work can be insanely stressful. But we have great support and fantastic colleagues, and we’ve been through so much together that we’ve become a lot more philosophical and can remind each other – ‘remember how worried we were about this or that? Well, remember how we sorted all that out just fine.’ We can therefore be a real source of strength to each other.

Do the two of you have any dos and don’ts, any rules?

Stephen: I’m not allowed to look at my phone over dinner and sometimes on holiday or on weekends Ayesha physically confiscates it and hides it. She also asks me stop talking about work at a certain point in the evenings.

Ayesha: We have to make real time outside our work together to focus properly on the kids, and also to focus on time for us as a couple, and to remember to have fun as a family and together.

What are some of the most important lessons you have learnt as a divorce lawyer that you apply to your own marriage?

Ayesha: Keep your relationship strong as a couple – don’t let yourself get so focused on work or kids that you end up being someone different from the person your partner fell in love with. Learn to forgive, forget and move forwards. Whoever said long marriages are built on short memories was spot on. You can’t hold on to resentments or keep dredging things up. Marriage is all about the present and the future – who you are and who you can become together.

What are the key symptoms of a bad marriage?

Ayesha: Snide and disparaging remarks, public put-downs, a couple that doesn’t go out together any more, and doesn’t laugh together. Women who spend all their time with the kids and men who spend all their time at work or at after work dos.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder – yes or no?

Ayesha: No, it’s important to be together regularly as long as you have enough space to have your own adventures and things to tell each other.

Stephen: Yes, to a degree because it’s good to remember how much you miss each other.

Money makes the world go round, including marriage.

Ayesha: Yes, money problems are one of the main reasons marriages break down, but if you’re straightforward and honest with each other then you can work through every challenge together, even financial ones.

Stephen: Yes, but compatibility is more important.

Marriages are made in heaven.

Ayesha: No, marriages are the ultimate exercise in personal choice and autonomy. Whom you choose as your partner for life is the most fundamental free choice you can make.

Stephen: No, marriages are about free will, not predestination.

The secret to a happy marriage is keeping quiet when you know you are right.

Ayesha: No, except that you shouldn’t pipe up just to score points. Only when you have something that matters to say.

Stephen: No, if only it were so easy!

Oscar Wilde once said ‘The only charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception necessary for both parties.

Ayesha: No, a strong marriage has to be based on real intimacy and understanding, and for that you need to be honest with each other. Any deception causes a barrier that will eat away at your relationship and ultimately kill it.

Stephen: No, a life of deception is intolerable and one can’t be happy that way, in any aspect of one’s life.