Beyond material possessions: Exploring the emotional power of legacy
Forget grand gestures, legacy lies in everyday acts of love
Jasmine-scented diaries filled with handwritten recipes, a legacy sweeter than any inheritance.
Abu Dhabi-based Meena Nambiar, a housewife has a stack of recipes that her mother left behind. As she tells me, it’s filled with all the notes on the sweet dishes that she enjoyed as a child; some of the most memorable parts of her childhood. “I would sit during the weekends and just watch her make dishes with jaggery and sugar,” she says. Those memories fill the old hardbound diaries that she keeps safe in a wardrobe. “My mother always worried that she didn’t have much to leave behind for us, but I don’t think I would have wanted anything else,” says Nambiar.
For many, the concept of legacy is painted with emotion. It could be a tree planted outside an ancestral house years ago, as in the case of Dubai-based Catelyn Rose-Menocal, a British researcher. Or, it could just be a careful and detailed collection of scrapbooks, and photo albums, as in the case of Claire Holt, an Abu Dhabi-based Canadian marketing professional. Maybe, a yard full of colourful paintings, for Satish Dubey, a retired media professional based in Abu Dhabi. “My father spent most of his retirement, just painting in one room; it kept him calm and happy after my mother passed away. So, we kept all of them as a kind of treasure, and want to pass it down to our children,” he says.
‘Acts of love that live beyond our lifetimes’
Clearly the idea of a legacy differs from person to person, but the essence is the same: How do you want to be remembered? What do you want to leave in the world? As Dubai-based clinical psychologist Ali Ilyas explains, a legacy does not have to be about achieving fame or fortune; rather, it's about making an impact and leaving behind something of value that will endure beyond our lifetime. “This could be in the shape of tangible contributions, such as creating a work of art, writing a book, or starting a charitable organisation,” he says. It could also be leaving behind a legacy of kindness, compassion and love, by touching the lives of others in meaningful ways. “It is about creating a ripple in the lives that we have contributed to,” he says.
A family that remembers a matriarch, a child who misses her grandfather, or even a friend who cherishes what someone did for them years ago: They recall someone’s legacy, even if it’s not the word that they use to describe it....
Legacy can be something very straightforward, and just as powerful, if not more, than buildings, priceless artworks and companies, explains Surya Ramkumar, a Dubai-based author and business leader. “A family that remembers a matriarch, a child who misses her grandfather, or even a friend who cherishes what someone did for them years ago: They recall someone’s legacy, even if it’s not the word that they use to describe it,” she says. Sometimes, a kind and generous heart is what we want and acts of love that are remembered beyond our lifetimes.
Fighting anxiety around legacies
Death makes us anxious.
“The thing about leaving a legacy is that it’s tough to think about the leaving bit,” says Ilyas. “It’s not easy to contemplate our mortality. Yet, it is a part of being human.”
The thoughts about death generate a sense of anxiety and discomfort, which often leads us to avoid thinking about it, whenever possible, he adds. And so, our way of coping with this, according to Stephanie Buchetmann, a German neuro-psychiatrist based in Dubai, is to pursuing ‘symbolic immortality’. And this, is what legacy means.
As we contemplate mortality, it can also lead us to reflect on the values and priorities in life. It helps us to be more present in our daily lives. We’re compelled to consider what truly matters to us, and how we want to spend our time and energy. And so, as we connect with ourselves, we try crafting a life that is aligned with our aspirations and ideals....
Citing the terror management theory, Buchetmann explains that humans are aware of their mortality, which evokes existential terror. In order to manage this fear, we engage in several psychological defence mechanisms, such as embracing values, beliefs and traditions that provide a sense of meaning or purpose. “These worldviews serve as a buffer against the anxiety of mortality, which allows us to feel connected to something larger than ourselves. It provides a sense of continuity beyond our own lives,” says Ilyas.
As we contemplate mortality, it can also lead us to reflect on the values and priorities in life. It helps us to be more present in our daily lives, adds Ilyas. We’re compelled to consider what truly matters to us, and how we want to spend our time and energy. And so, as we connect with ourselves, we try crafting a life that is aligned with our aspirations and ideals. This could involve setting goals, or cultivating relationships that bring us joy and fulfilment, or just pursuing something that resonates with us, explains Buchetmann.
Ironically, thoughts about leaving behind a legacy is also another manner of battling general anxiety, she adds. When you feel that you are losing control, or have no agency over your own life, thoughts about leaving a legacy empowers you, says Buchetmann. “Once, you start working to leave something significant behind, you can take charge by shaping how you will be remembered.” Knowing that your contributions will live on after you, you feel comforted and the anxiety ebbs, a little, if not more.
Live in the present too
For starters, don’t get so consumed by the idea of leaving behind a legacy that you forget the present, warns Buchetmann. Diana Rose, a British Abu Dhabi-based corporate wellness expert echoes this sentiment. “My father was so preoccupied with leaving behind a legacy in terms of property, inheritance that he made himself ill, close to the end of his life,” she says.
“He was always so anxious, and unfortunately, that’s how I now remember him. He didn’t want to spend time with family, because he was so busy with trying to make sure that we would be okay without him. I would have rather remembered him as happy, and fulfilled.”
Building a legacy mindset
How does one cultivate a legacy mindset? “It’s an approach and a way of life, where we are aware of the long-lasting consequences of our actions,” explains Ramkumar. It’s how we choose to do things that leave a positive impact on the world around us. Even if the choices and actions don’t result in immediate material happiness, a legacy mindset encourages you to prioritise what makes a difference to the world that you have created, in the future.
It’s a perspective that goes beyond narrow interest, she adds. There are of course many ways to go about cultivating a legacy; it also differs according to people’s own personalities and interest. For instance, you can start small. Indira Menon, an Abu Dhabi-based housewife recalls how her father, an avid reader, used to collect books, in the hope of one day starting his own library. He collected innumerable books over the years, most of which had to be stored away, due to lack of space. Only after he passed away, did his family dedicate an entire room to the books that he had collected.
There are an infinite number of ways that you can leave an imprint of yourself behind. Nevertheless, here are some tips that you can keep in mind, before you start.
So, compiled by Buchetmann, here are a few things to keep in mind when cultivating a legacy:
1. Evaluate: Turn inwards and look hard; what are people saying about you and your life? This helps you understand whether your work and personal life align with your values. Are you on the right track? You can see where you need to put in the right work.
2. What makes you special? Think about what sets you apart from others. Be it a new skill or some genuine service you provide, this can help decide where you want to grow.
3. Strengthen your relationships: Remember, your relationships also decide your legacy. Focus on building your friendships, bonds with your family. Accomplishments and achievements have their own place, but being remembered with love and affection is just as crucial.