Is it acceptance or defeat? Discovering the key to emotional growth
Acceptance signifies a profound understanding that some things are beyond our control…
It always hurts to let go. You know the familiar pain: Parting with people, places, and the person you once were. At some point, you’ve had to release pieces of your life —whether because they felt incongruent with your current path or simply because you grew weary of fighting for something that wasn’t meant to be. Yet, how you let go, is what drives the difference between acceptance and ‘giving up’, entirely, resigning yourself to a rather unfulfilling situation. Sometimes, we go one step further than just giving up: We come helpless and relinquish our aspirations and sense of self.
The lines are blurred and confusing, nevertheless. Many people interpret acceptance and resignation differently. For instance, Tazeen Jaaferi, a Dubai-based public relations consultant explains her own perspective, “I think with acceptance there’s always that sliver of hope that if it’s meant to be, it’ll be and may come at its own time. However, with giving up, you see it as a door that has been shut forever, in the context of trying to achieve something.”
This raises a question: Is it simply a matter of perspective?
‘Acceptance is a profound understanding’
It comes down to perspectives and the stinging terminology that we tend to use about ourselves, explains Maja Cooper, a Dubai-based clinical psychologist. Our inner dialogue shapes how we respond to life’s difficulties. “When we accept a situation, it’s a conscious decision to acknowledge reality as it is, without resistance or denial. It involves recognising our circumstances, emotions and limitations while holding on to a sense of agency and possibility,” she says. So, what happens when we give up? Have we truly accepted something? It might seem that way, but not quite. Giving up can sometimes come after acceptance, yet it’s an extra step — often a step too far. As Reema Baniabbasi, counselling psychologist, Dubai, explains, giving up is a fear-based response; you are giving up because you are questioning your self-worth. For example, you can accept that you received some bad grades, but if you then decide to give up on school entirely, that’s neither helpful nor healthy.
Acceptance is also what you can control. You can pursue a meaningful life, that still aligns with your core values. Giving up is a fear-based response, where you question your own self-worth and belief system...
And so acceptance does not equate giving up; it signifies a profound understanding that some things are beyond our control and constantly fighting for it, would wear us down. As Cooper explains, acceptance indicates a far more grounded perspective and realising the painful emotions surrounding acceptance, allowing for resilience and clarity. “It allows for adaptability. Once we accept our circumstances, we can look for potential paths forward. This helps change our mindset from one of defeat to one of growth.”
Acceptance isn’t always just about ourselves; it can also extend to others. For instance, Dubai-based Ameesha Chakraborty (name changed on request), a homemaker wishes that she had accepted the fact that her son was never keen on engineering. He had protested, but they had still sent him to India to study, and he suffered several failures. They told him not to give up: They kept saying that they believed he could do it, he just needed to set his mind to it.
Finally, after they saw that he was barely sleeping or eating and just somewhat existing, they realised their mistake and told him to return home. They just told him to follow what he wanted, and he did. “He’s a much happier person now. It was never about his acceptance for engineering; he had never wanted it. I feel so ashamed that it took us such a long time to accept it. It should have never been about us, but just him,” she says, recalling the dark days in her son’s life.
Similarly, Sabina Ali, a public relations consultant, recalls her own journey to acceptance after she realised that her daughter was finally, formally diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum. “Overnight we stopped trying to change her or work on her quirks and instead wholeheartedly embraced and accepted her as she is. A few years down the line, we have an incredibly open and loving relationship with her, love her for exactly the person she is, understand her so much better and our family dynamics are greatly improved. For me, this is a great example of acceptance triumphing and being far, far healthier.”
This perspective on acceptance leads to another dimension: Acceptance in the face of grief.
Acceptance and grief
Acceptance is healthier, adds Cooper. You acknowledge the limitations of a situation and still learn to live around it, in order to live a fulfilling life. It’s perhaps why we always hear about how acceptance is the final stage of grief: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. It means that we have accepted our painful loss — it doesn’t mean we are ‘okay with it’, corrects Cooper. We’ve accepted that grief might always be a constant companion; we might not even be able to give up on it, but we just grow around it.
Cooper further dispels a common myth about acceptance. “The biggest misconception about acceptance is that it means we’re okay with what we’re accepting, as if we’ve somehow become comfortable or aligned with a situation we don’t want,” she says. That’s a redacted, far too simplistic view to understand acceptance. Neither does acceptance imply a choice of the ‘meek’, disempowering and a depressing conclusion. It just means having the courage to face the truth and stop denying it. It’s the first step to healing.
In stark contrast, learned helplessness is when a person starts believing they have no control over anything. They give up, and shut the door on hope or any form of change.
The cruelty of learned helplessness
It’s literally the embodiment of the phrase: Watching life pass you by. That’s what learned helplessness feels like. Reema Baniabbasi, a Dubai-based counselling therapist elaborates, “It’s a psychological condition when a person just turns passive, resigned and has no motivation to change their situation.” The concept was popularised by psychologist Martin Seligman in the late 1960s through experiments with animals, demonstrating how repeated exposure to uncontrollable stressors led to a profound sense of helplessness.
As Baniabbasi, explains, it’s a vicious cycle of inaction and despair. The person has no will to improve their situation because they are convinced that it will all be futile in the end. “They internalise the crippling feelings of failure, which leads to low self-esteem and believe that they are incapable of making any sort of change in their lives,” she says. As they grow to accept a mindset of helplessness, they steer clear of new challenges, opportunities for fear of failure, which can lead them to reside in the same rut of frustration and helplessness, finally culminating in depression and anxiety, as they cannot change their own circumstances.
She provides an example: It’s like a student who repeatedly fails exams despite studying hard. Over time, they may come to believe that no amount of effort will lead to success, resulting in them giving up on studying altogether, reinforcing their belief in their inability to succeed.
The fine line between acceptance and learned helplessness
In both cases, you accept the limitations, yet the crucial difference lies in how you respond to those limitations.
As Baniabbasi, says, with acceptance, you believe that you can still learn and grow. You look for steps to improve your life. There’s peace and clarity. Life doesn’t have to come to a standstill. In contrast, learned helplessness means that you mentally stay rooted to the spot. Nothing can change, ever. The person withdraws and is inactive. The key difference between the two: One is an empowering response, while the other limits you. In the second, there’s despair and hopelessness. Recognising the difference between these two states is vital for our mental well-being.
Here’s how to accept a situation and not give up:
1. Shift your perspective: Become aware of your thoughts and feelings without judgment. This helps you recognise whether you're truly accepting a situation or giving up. By staying present, you can avoid the negativity spiral that leads to helplessness and make more empowered choices.
2. Focus on what you can control: Identify aspects of your life that are within your control. While you may not control every outcome, you can control your effort, attitude, and reactions. This keeps your sense of agency intact and prevents the helpless feeling of having no influence over your circumstances.
3. Set realistic, achievable goals: Break down challenges into smaller, manageable steps. Setting realistic goals can prevent feelings of overwhelm. This ensures that acceptance doesn’t lead to passivity and that you maintain motivation to make meaningful progress, avoiding the trap of resignation.
4. Challenge negative self-talk: Pay attention to your internal dialogue. If you notice thoughts like ‘Nothing will ever change’ or ‘I’m not capable,’ actively challenge them. Replace these negative beliefs with more empowering alternatives, like ‘I can learn from this’ or ‘I have the strength to move forward’.