Are you constantly seeking approval? How to break free from the cycle of needing validation
The experts point to validation in childhood, either in excess or deficit, as a reason
Why do some people seek attention?
Stephanie Hollander (name changed on request), a Dubai-based American expat and entrepreneur, feels rather guilty when she gets annoyed with her 25-year-old younger sister. “She struggles with making independent decisions," Hollander explains, adding that she gets frustrated with the constant stream of repeated questions. "She seems to need everyone's agreement before she can make a choice, and sometimes I just lose my patience and ask, 'Can't you just decide for yourself?'"
Worse, she explains, that her parents enable this behaviour too. They constantly help their daughter and shower her with praise, hoping it will eventually cultivate confidence and self-assurance.
So, is validation wrong? Don’t we all seek it in some form or the other?
What is validation?
Anneliese White, a British Dubai-based clinical psychologist, explains exactly what validation entails. “It’s a common, basic need that most of us experience,” she says. “Internal validation is when you have the confidence to honour and acknowledge your own accomplishments, strengths and emotions. When you receive it from others, it’s called external validation.” All of us seek support, love and encouragement from our close friends and family, which also includes validation. “When something good happens to us, we want to tell those closest to us. Our victory seems incomplete, till they celebrate with us.”
Essentially, validation implies understanding and accepting another’s feelings. As Lauren Cohen, a Canadian Dubai-based clinical psychologist elaborates, “It doesn’t only mean feeling seen and heard; it also means that their feelings are acknowledged, respected and accepted. When someone feels that their thoughts and emotions are not heard and understood, they feel alone. If this loneliness festers, it triggers insecurity and they turn to craving validation frequently.”
White adds, “The need for validation isn't black and white. It's a spectrum that ranges from the harmless desire to impress someone or occasionally smooth things over, all the way to the destructive end where people sacrifice their well-being to avoid being left alone.”
Why do some people need constant validation?
The experts point to validation in childhood, either in excess or deficit, as a possible culprit.
Cohen elaborates, “Our experiences as children significantly impact our need for validation in adulthood. If a child doesn't feel seen or heard, they may struggle with self-worth later on. Validation goes beyond just praise; it's about acknowledging a child's feelings and letting them know their perspective matters. When children are deprived of this recognition, they may question their own value, leading to low self-esteem and difficulty making decisions."
This lack of validation in childhood can have other manifestations, including inability to trust others completely and overcompensating in relationships. They start prioritising everyone else’s needs over their own and agree with opinions that they actually don’t share, in the hope to fit in, explains Cohen.
On the other hand, too much validation can be equally detrimental. “When children receive constant praise for everything they do, regardless of effort or outcome, it can decrease their intrinsic motivation. They may become reliant on external validation for a sense of accomplishment, rather than developing the internal drive to learn and grow for themselves,” she says. It also creates an inflated sense of self-esteem that can easily crumble when faced with actual challenges and constructive criticism. Finally, they could even become people-pleasers. “Excessive praise can lead children to believe their worth is tied to pleasing others. They might prioritise external validation over their own needs and desires, leading to difficulty setting boundaries and making independent choices,” adds White.
The signs of a person struggling with validation
This lack of validation can lead people to seek excessive recognition and acknowledgment in unhealthy ways, adds Cohen. This could involve chasing awards, constantly working for approval at work, for example, like hoping your boss will finally notice your extra effort, or even fishing for compliments. They might downplay their achievements, hoping someone will correct them, or rapidly change their opinions to feel validated within a group. Ultimately, this relentless pursuit of external validation can lead to burnout, leaving you exhausted with little to show for it, says Cohen.
This constant need for validation can also make it difficult to be around such a person, creating tension in relationships. Psychologists explain that feeling ignored or overlooked can lead someone to crave attention, even negative attention, as a way to feel some sense of reassurance, even if it's fleeting.
Devina Ganguly, a Dubai-based public relations professional recalls a rather under-confident colleague, who would always criticise herself, even when others tried to reassure her. As Ganguly says, “For instance, everyone would tell her that she did a good job on some task. She won’t believe it, will keep asking whether she really did well, and then will say that she could have done better. She would say, ‘I’m really not good at stuff like this’. Initially, all of us tried to make her feel better, and then just got really tired. I did feel sorry for her, because I saw how she really wanted to keep being told that she was brilliant at whatever she did, so I had an honest conversation with her once, explaining that she needed to get out of this cycle, because otherwise, it is exhausting to be around her.”
As Robert Addison, a Dubai-based British psychologist adds, “It becomes harmful when the need for validation starts affecting your life choices, and you keep trying to please everyone around you. It becomes glaringly obvious to others, who might dismiss them further, thinking it’s just a plea for attention. So, the person feels more stonewalled by others, and tries to seek more attention that leads to further frayed relationships.”
Sometimes, no amount of external validation can heal low self-esteem. True fulfillment comes from within, explains Cohen.
How can you break free from the cycle of seeking validation?
As Addison suggests, try to understand first, the kind of validation that you seek. "The key is recognising when you crave validation from others. Once you become aware of this behaviour, you can choose healthier options. It's about learning to validate yourself and build your confidence from within."
It’s a journey, but here are some steps that you can take, advise the experts:
• Self-awareness: The first step is becoming aware of your own validation-seeking behaviors. Notice how often you fish for compliments, downplay your accomplishments, or change your opinions to fit in.
• Identify your triggers: What situations or emotions make you crave validation the most? Is it social anxiety, fear of rejection, or low self-esteem? Recognising your triggers can help you anticipate and manage them.
• Practise self-compassion: Instead of beating yourself up for needing validation, treat yourself with kindness and understanding.
• Celebrate your wins: Start acknowledging and celebrating your own achievements, big or small. Did you finish a project? Did you overcome a challenge?
• Develop intrinsic motivation: Focus on the internal satisfaction that comes from doing things you value and care about. What drives you intrinsically, beyond external validation?
• Practise self-care: Taking care of yourself physically and mentally can boost your confidence and self-worth. This includes getting enough sleep, eating healthy, exercising, and engaging in activities you enjoy.