I almost grew up without my father’s presence in my life. My father had anger issues and my mother could not take it for a long time. Every now and then, he would get violent and my mother would leave the house till things settled down. She would return home on her own, or sometimes at the counselling of relatives. I disliked it, because for me, it always meant some not-so-comfortable conversations with cousins, disruption in studying and lots of haunting memories. My conversations with my father were very limited and not very easy. On one instance, he told me I have a crow’s heart. I always wonder what he meant by that. He would bring me a gift only to take it away in a few days. The whole cycle of receiving and giving back the same gift was always painful. It continued for years and then my mother finally took a giant leap and got divorced. People looked at us with pity. Life became unbearable again.
My mother got remarried to a very wealthy gentleman twice her age. However, my happiness of finding true fatherly love was short-lived. My step father started abusing us too, through verbal attacks, post marriage. I developed ‘daddy issues’, which affected my relationships. I had a fear of abandonment, and trust issues. I became overly sensitive towards every relationship in my life. None of my partners were ready to have a life with me due to my background. They were prejudiced and sceptical about a life with me. I finally found a person who was ready to accept a girl with such issues. The first few years were tough, but then, I finally settled and started leading a normal life.
It’s been almost 14 years since I met my biological father. I searched unsuccessfully for my father on all social media websites. I then found his photos, which others put on their Facebook pages and compared myself, my looks and my behaviour with his. I wanted to ask him if he remembered me. Did he miss his only biological child sometimes? I also wondered how our life would have been if we were together.
It has been a few days since I got an update on my Facebook page that my father passed away abruptly in his sleep. I cried a great deal. All the memories of him have come alive once again. It is tough to bear the pain and silence right now. I know time is a healer, but my questions will always remain unanswered.
- The reader is a resident of Dubai
